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Author Topic: Does this make ANY sense? (relationship related)  (Read 1527 times)
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Dante Rising
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« on: April 28, 2012, 06:02:02 AM »

So I met a new woman at my job that I really like. We've been discreetly flirting for awhile in the workplace, and one day while sitting around the house, I texted her and asked what she really thought about me. Was I just a distraction at work, or something more?  Her response was that I was definitely not a distraction, but more of an infatuation. One she wasn't exactly sure how to handle yet. And then she qualified that by saying "Infatuation doesn't do you justice, but I'm tired and its the best word that comes to mind."

I found that to be a strange response, but I let it go. We've continued joking and discreetly flirting around in the workplace, but nothing more. Yesterday she texted me and said that if I got bored this weekend, I should give her a call so that we could get together. Great news in my book! I offered a few options, including a movie and dinner.

Now things turned. All of this is via text.  She responded that a movie would be great, but that movie and dinner would be too much "like a date". Those three words set off alarm bells in my head. So, sarcastically, I asked if I had somehow taken a wrong turn into the friendship zone. She replied that "friendship is a great place to be, and it is very hard to get there. Don't knock it"

From that I assumed that she now viewed me as a friend. Which is exactly what I DO NOT want. Its also not the direction I thought we were heading. I responded back, joking that the friendship zone is basically akin to a bullet in the head for guys. I then apologized for misreading her signs. She quickly answered back and said "No, No, No! You're not misreading anything! I am attracted to you, and I do like you!" She then asked to formalize when we could see a movie. After the planning, I offered to meet her there, or she could drop off her car at my place, and we could drive the last 30 minutes together. She answered "Go with you. Sounds like heaven."

So...er...can anyone decode that? I'm not even sure if I should kiss her or shake her hand. On one hand, Movie and dinner is off the table because that would be too much like "a date". On the other hand "I am attracted to you, and I do like you!"

<scratches head>





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PeteRock
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« Reply #1 on: April 28, 2012, 06:12:36 AM »

I could be in the minority in this, and based upon popular culture, I likely am, but I typically discuss the situation directly with the person involved.  Coy texts and innuendo can only go so far, and one of my greatest frustrations is watching a sitcom or film dependent entirely on relationship tomfoolery born completely from poor communication pitfalls and misunderstandings. 

Most questions can be answered by asking directly.  If you want to know where things are going, ask her, not us.  Hell, if you're unsure whether a handshake or a kiss is fitting of the evening, rather than play a guessing game, put it out there.  If she feels it's too soon or not quite fitting of the current relationship climate, so be it.  But at least you know rather than playing a frustrating game of interpreting mixed signals.

Prior to marriage, when my wife was spending ridiculous amounts of time at my house I eventually asked if something more was desired.  It was.  This coming May 13th we'll have been married for 7 years.  I was too old to play the mixed signals game, and of course still am.  Relationship games are tiresome and pointless. 

Screw common conventions of confusion and interpretation.  If you want to know, ask.  Relationships work through communication, and beginning one through poor communication is a waste of time.       
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PeteRock
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« Reply #2 on: April 28, 2012, 06:16:12 AM »

On a side note, have you ever heard the old adage "don't shit where you eat?"  Keep in mind, if things don't work out, she works where you work.  Something to keep in mind as this progresses.  Not necessarily an assumption of failure, merely an observation. 
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Kagath
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« Reply #3 on: April 28, 2012, 06:24:47 AM »

Quote from: PeteRock on April 28, 2012, 06:16:12 AM

On a side note, have you ever heard the old adage "don't shit where you eat?"  Keep in mind, if things don't work out, she works where you work.  Something to keep in mind as this progresses.  Not necessarily an assumption of failure, merely an observation.  
Yeah, you may want to think this over real careful. Usually not a good idea to get involved with coworkers. Doesn't always end badly but...

Edit: Sorry Pete, I was just emphasizing what you were saying not directing anything at you.
« Last Edit: April 28, 2012, 06:32:43 AM by Kagath » Logged

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PeteRock
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« Reply #4 on: April 28, 2012, 06:30:57 AM »

Quote from: Kagath on April 28, 2012, 06:24:47 AM

Quote from: PeteRock on April 28, 2012, 06:16:12 AM

On a side note, have you ever heard the old adage "don't shit where you eat?"  Keep in mind, if things don't work out, she works where you work.  Something to keep in mind as this progresses.  Not necessarily an assumption of failure, merely an observation. 
Yeah, you may want to think this over real careful. Usually not a good idea to get involved with coworkers. Doesn't always end badly but...

The concern mainly stems from the unclear boundaries currently developing.  Romantic interest shouldn't completely be abandoned merely because of working proximity, but such a factor also shouldn't be completely ignored.

Also, to answer the original question:  No, it makes no effing sense at all.  My father-in-law has been married for over 30 years (maybe longer), and given the early stages of my own marriage, I often ask him for wisdom pertaining to the opposite sex, especially since my wife often resembles her mother (much to my disdain).  His responses typically involve a lot of knowing laughter and inevitable acquiescence to the inability to ever understand spouses or even women in general.  He then puts his hand on my shoulder, hands me a cold beer, and we sit in silence and resignation.   
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« Reply #5 on: April 28, 2012, 06:32:40 AM »

or you could take the advice of some great man who once said....get her drunk and stick it in her butt

ok that didnt help, couldnt resist

anyways, been married 20 yrs so i will be absolutely no help trying to figure women out, i gave up trying 19 and 3/4 yrs ago.
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PeteRock
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« Reply #6 on: April 28, 2012, 06:35:55 AM »

Quote from: thatick on April 28, 2012, 06:32:40 AM

anyways, been married 20 yrs so i will be absolutely no help trying to figure women out, i gave up trying 19 and 3/4 yrs ago.

Quote from: PeteRock on April 28, 2012, 06:30:57 AM

My father-in-law has been married for over 30 years (maybe longer), and given the early stages of my own marriage, I often ask him for wisdom pertaining to the opposite sex, especially since my wife often resembles her mother (much to my disdain).  His responses typically involve a lot of knowing laughter and inevitable acquiescence to the inability to ever understand spouses or even women in general.  He then puts his hand on my shoulder, hands me a cold beer, and we sit in silence and resignation.   

Dad?  Dad?
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Dante Rising
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« Reply #7 on: April 28, 2012, 07:05:16 AM »

Quote from: PeteRock on April 28, 2012, 06:12:36 AM


Most questions can be answered by asking directly.  If you want to know where things are going, ask her, not us.  Hell, if you're unsure whether a handshake or a kiss is fitting of the evening, rather than play a guessing game, put it out there.  If she feels it's too soon or not quite fitting of the current relationship climate, so be it.  But at least you know rather than playing a frustrating game of interpreting mixed signals.

Screw common conventions of confusion and interpretation.  If you want to know, ask.  Relationships work through communication, and beginning one through poor communication is a waste of time.       

And therein lies the heart of the problem. I can't seem to pin her down. For example, after the "infatuation" text, I cornered her at work. I asked if infatuation meant I could pursue her. She said that if she got me fired, she would be the most hated woman in the building. She didn't give a "yes" or "no".  So then I jokingly said I think I just got gently shot down. Another co-woker entered the room, and she quickly exited. 5 minutes later she texted "For the record, I didn't shoot you down."  Again, not a red light or a green light.

I guess i should have mentioned our office is very strict about relationships. They are absolutely, positively NOT allowed.
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Kagath
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« Reply #8 on: April 28, 2012, 07:08:11 AM »

Well that's easy then:

Get her fired and then go out with her. See, nothing to it.
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« Reply #9 on: April 28, 2012, 07:20:42 AM »

take her out for dinner, go back to her place, and when she leaves the room commence with 'The Naked Man'.
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« Reply #10 on: April 28, 2012, 08:32:12 AM »

Quote from: Dante Rising on April 28, 2012, 07:05:16 AM

I guess i should have mentioned our office is very strict about relationships. They are absolutely, positively NOT allowed.

This may be your answer right there.  It would explain why she keeps hedging about "dating" or going beyond friendship, as it could one or both of you in trouble.  Is this possible relationship worth the consequences?
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Razgon
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« Reply #11 on: April 28, 2012, 10:47:17 AM »

Can a workplace really dictate whether relationships are allowed? wow - In the land that prides itself on freedom?
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« Reply #12 on: April 28, 2012, 10:58:23 AM »

She is clearly giving you green lights. It's just up to you to decide if you want some kind of a more-than-friends relationship with someone you work with.
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« Reply #13 on: April 28, 2012, 11:41:34 AM »

Quote from: Razgon on April 28, 2012, 10:47:17 AM

Can a workplace really dictate whether relationships are allowed? wow - In the land that prides itself on freedom?

No, not really. It's an "official" company policy, so if one goes badly they can fire people "for cause". It's more of a EULA-style liability limitation. Just because it's there doesn't mean it's true/relevant.
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« Reply #14 on: April 28, 2012, 01:00:41 PM »

If you want an explanation, look no further than this: 
Quote
I guess i should have mentioned our office is very strict about relationships. They are absolutely, positively NOT allowed.

It sounds to me like shes definitely interested but taking things further jeopardizes both of your jobs.  That might me why she wants to put the friendship label on everything and yet sends you messages regarding pursuing her. 
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« Reply #15 on: April 28, 2012, 01:11:24 PM »

She's into you. You're overthinking it. Be confident in yourself and she'll come to you.

The dinner& movie is cliche and it sounds like that was the comment. Movies don't let you interact with your date, save if you're trying for a John Hughes-like 80s make out session.

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« Reply #16 on: April 28, 2012, 01:16:44 PM »

I've been with my wife for 20 years, so take this with a grain of salt, but I would be careful here. If she's playing games during the courtship phase then it's only going to get worse and more confusing. I would put the ball in her court and see what happens. She obviously digs making you work for it, so maybe turn it around a little. If she really is interested then she will pursue you.

Also, is this worth getting a black mark/fired over?
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« Reply #17 on: April 28, 2012, 01:55:33 PM »

Quote from: Razgon on April 28, 2012, 10:47:17 AM

Can a workplace really dictate whether relationships are allowed? wow - In the land that prides itself on freedom?

A private company can tell its employees to do whatever it wants, as long as it's doing nothing discriminatory or illegal.
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« Reply #18 on: April 28, 2012, 02:07:04 PM »

Hmm, are you sure she isn't married or in some sort of relationship already?  Sounds to me like she may be interested in the physical aspects of a relationship without the risks of having an emotional relationship. If your just hooking up then it might give plausable deniability to any work related inquests into a relationship.
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« Reply #19 on: April 28, 2012, 02:39:24 PM »

Yeah I wouldn't sweat the dinner and a movie thing. That really is a typical 'first date' and some people don't want it to be all official like that. I can understand that totally. Just make plans to do something fun in the afternoon and just play it by ear. If you two hit it off then I have no doubt afternoon fun will lead directly to dinner without having to plan it. Just remember to keep things lose and casual for the first time together.
And of course, like others have said, workplace relationships can be dangerous. But hell, we're human beings and males at that! Screw caution and listen to your pheremones!
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« Reply #20 on: April 28, 2012, 02:59:39 PM »

Quote from: rshetts2 on April 28, 2012, 01:00:41 PM

If you want an explanation, look no further than this: 
Quote
I guess i should have mentioned our office is very strict about relationships. They are absolutely, positively NOT allowed.

It sounds to me like shes definitely interested but taking things further jeopardizes both of your jobs.  That might me why she wants to put the friendship label on everything and yet sends you messages regarding pursuing her. 

That's how I'm reading it as well.  Either that, or she gets off on playing cat and mouse with guys...I think we've all met a few women like that.

Of course, it could be that she just wants you as a booty call.  Win-win!  slywink
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PeteRock
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« Reply #21 on: April 28, 2012, 04:32:41 PM »

Quote from: Kagath on April 28, 2012, 06:24:47 AM

Edit: Sorry Pete, I was just emphasizing what you were saying not directing anything at you.

No worries.  I didn't take it that way at all.  Apology unnecessary.   icon_biggrin

Quote from: Dante Rising on April 28, 2012, 07:05:16 AM

And therein lies the heart of the problem. I can't seem to pin her down. For example, after the "infatuation" text, I cornered her at work. I asked if infatuation meant I could pursue her. She said that if she got me fired, she would be the most hated woman in the building. She didn't give a "yes" or "no".  So then I jokingly said I think I just got gently shot down. Another co-woker entered the room, and she quickly exited. 5 minutes later she texted "For the record, I didn't shoot you down."  Again, not a red light or a green light.

Quote from: Gratch on April 28, 2012, 02:59:39 PM

Quote from: rshetts2 on April 28, 2012, 01:00:41 PM

If you want an explanation, look no further than this: 
Quote
I guess i should have mentioned our office is very strict about relationships. They are absolutely, positively NOT allowed.

It sounds to me like shes definitely interested but taking things further jeopardizes both of your jobs.  That might me why she wants to put the friendship label on everything and yet sends you messages regarding pursuing her. 

That's how I'm reading it as well.  Either that, or she gets off on playing cat and mouse with guys...I think we've all met a few women like that.

As others have said, she seems to be interested, but there also seems to be a bit of "cat and mouse" nonsense that some women enjoy.  Your pursuits and interest obviously make her feel wanted, and some women appreciate that more than actual relationships themselves.  We all enjoy feeling wanted or desired.  Hell, even after being married for 7 years I still appreciate young women showing interest.

Quote from: Dante Rising on April 28, 2012, 07:05:16 AM

I guess i should have mentioned our office is very strict about relationships. They are absolutely, positively NOT allowed.

This may answer all of your questions.  Didn't you say she was new to the office?  You both then have a great deal to lose if things go too far, and rather than merely pursuing feelings of desire, she might be more concerned with your job positions.  Can't really fault her for that. 
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« Reply #22 on: April 28, 2012, 04:55:07 PM »

Other than the whole 'this is a horrible idea due to the office circumstances' question, I'll offer advice even if that wasn't the case.

You are playing into her game.  She is dictating the rules of engagement and you are following.  This is not a good sign for things to come.
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Dante Rising
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« Reply #23 on: April 28, 2012, 05:26:59 PM »

She is definitely worth the risk for a few reasons. First, I absolutely LOVE her sense of humor. For example, I'm taking a new medication which is causing me to have weird dreams. Everyone at work knows I have a phobia of spiders, so they've been texting me all kinds of horrific images of our eight legged friends just before bedtime.  Her image was of a giant, fake "stuffed animal" spider surrounded by toy tanks.  

Second, she extremely active. Hunting, swimming, jogging, archery, camping, cooking, musician, etc, etc. The guys in the office joke that when the apocalypse comes, she'll be the only one with enough skills to survive (along with the cockroaches).

Finally, she is painfully hot but still very humble. I  know the whole "hot" thing is thrown around constantly, but she everything in spades- body, face, hair, smile. One of the other office jokes is that keeping a girl like her would be too much trouble. The competition would be like a daily gladiator match. Every guy I know, including myself, falls into the "Why is someone that looks like her with a guy like him?" category.

We're going out on Sunday, so I guess I'll learn more then. I do think there may be an element of cat-and-mouse involved on her side, but I guess I can't fault her for that. As I mentioned in my original post, I'm just trying to determine what the hell is going on based upon her mixed signals.  

Even going out together OUTSIDE of work is a dangerous game. If anyone saw us and reported it, we could either be transferred or terminated. And with the advent of cell phone cameras "He said, she said" is a non-starter nowadays. Our company is that serious about workplace relationships. Its in bold print in the employee handbook that they make you sign. Our meeting is 45 miles from work because of this. Kinda ridiculous.

Quote from: gellar on April 28, 2012, 04:55:07 PM

Other than the whole 'this is a horrible idea due to the office circumstances' question, I'll offer advice even if that wasn't the case.

You are playing into her game.  She is dictating the rules of engagement and you are following.  This is not a good sign for things to come.

That's....ominous. Care to elaborate?

« Last Edit: April 28, 2012, 05:28:58 PM by Dante Rising » Logged
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« Reply #24 on: April 28, 2012, 06:00:35 PM »

Quote from: gellar on April 28, 2012, 04:55:07 PM

Other than the whole 'this is a horrible idea due to the office circumstances' question, I'll offer advice even if that wasn't the case.

You are playing into her game.  She is dictating the rules of engagement and you are following.  This is not a good sign for things to come.

This.
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« Reply #25 on: April 28, 2012, 06:56:00 PM »

Quote from: Dante Rising on April 28, 2012, 05:26:59 PM

Quote from: gellar on April 28, 2012, 04:55:07 PM

Other than the whole 'this is a horrible idea due to the office circumstances' question, I'll offer advice even if that wasn't the case.

You are playing into her game.  She is dictating the rules of engagement and you are following.  This is not a good sign for things to come.

That's....ominous. Care to elaborate?


Dear god, I would hope she has better things to do than play games. Unless she acts manipulative in other ways, it's much more likely she's just being cautious like you are. Especially considering your work appears to be run by hardasses. For as much as you say she's sending mixed signals, it could be that you're just overthinking or misinterpreting what she's saying. If you think she's a cool person (which you obviously do), it doesn't hurt to do things with her even if it doesn't go anywhere. Work be damned, just don't be overly affectionate in public and you can plausibly say that you're just friends. Men and women are allowed to be friends.
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« Reply #26 on: April 28, 2012, 07:41:58 PM »

Quote from: rshetts2 on April 28, 2012, 01:00:41 PM

If you want an explanation, look no further than this: 
Quote
I guess i should have mentioned our office is very strict about relationships. They are absolutely, positively NOT allowed.

It sounds to me like shes definitely interested but taking things further jeopardizes both of your jobs.  That might me why she wants to put the friendship label on everything and yet sends you messages regarding pursuing her. 

That's what I got out of it.

Also, I have a rule of 2.  If you've exchanged 2 emails (or texts) and you're still unclear, it's time to pick up the phone and talk about it.  Chances are, you two are on different wavelengths.
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Dante Rising
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« Reply #27 on: April 28, 2012, 09:55:57 PM »

Quote from: Eightball on April 28, 2012, 07:41:58 PM

Quote from: rshetts2 on April 28, 2012, 01:00:41 PM

If you want an explanation, look no further than this: 
Quote
I guess i should have mentioned our office is very strict about relationships. They are absolutely, positively NOT allowed.

It sounds to me like shes definitely interested but taking things further jeopardizes both of your jobs.  That might me why she wants to put the friendship label on everything and yet sends you messages regarding pursuing her. 

That's what I got out of it.

Also, I have a rule of 2.  If you've exchanged 2 emails (or texts) and you're still unclear, it's time to pick up the phone and talk about it.  Chances are, you two are on different wavelengths.

I think we've exchanged a few hundred texts in the past month, but most have been innocent. I certainly HOPE she isn't just playing games. A friend of mine made the comment that she must be interested, because she wouldn't go out in public and risk her job just to make a new friend. He said the risk vs reward factor was too small, and we could easily be friends isolated to the workplace.

I'll certainly try bringing up the subject tonight.
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« Reply #28 on: April 29, 2012, 12:05:20 AM »

She's interested, and I doubt she's playing games. I think she's cautious, and scared of risking too much for nothing. If it is worth the risk for you, then flat out ask her out. See how the pair of you connect. If it rocks, then you have your answer.
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« Reply #29 on: April 29, 2012, 12:17:20 AM »

im with purge and crux on this but ill also add avoid "talking" about anything.  woman dont want to talk about the state of where a relationship could go before the first date! slywink

so i say dont label it, dont ask your status or what she thinks of you, just go out and enjoy it!  go out again, see where things go.  have fun and after spending some time together then youll both know where youre going.

i leave the work related issues up to you.
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« Reply #30 on: April 29, 2012, 01:12:13 AM »

Quote from: thatick on April 28, 2012, 06:32:40 AM

or you could take the advice of some great man who once said....get her drunk and stick it in her butt

ok that didnt help, couldnt resist

anyways, been married 20 yrs so i will be absolutely no help trying to figure women out, i gave up trying 19 and 3/4 yrs ago.

Lol.
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« Reply #31 on: April 29, 2012, 07:01:12 PM »

Quote from: Dante Rising on April 28, 2012, 09:55:57 PM

Quote from: Eightball on April 28, 2012, 07:41:58 PM

Quote from: rshetts2 on April 28, 2012, 01:00:41 PM

If you want an explanation, look no further than this: 
Quote
I guess i should have mentioned our office is very strict about relationships. They are absolutely, positively NOT allowed.

It sounds to me like shes definitely interested but taking things further jeopardizes both of your jobs.  That might me why she wants to put the friendship label on everything and yet sends you messages regarding pursuing her. 

That's what I got out of it.

Also, I have a rule of 2.  If you've exchanged 2 emails (or texts) and you're still unclear, it's time to pick up the phone and talk about it.  Chances are, you two are on different wavelengths.

I think we've exchanged a few hundred texts in the past month, but most have been innocent. I certainly HOPE she isn't just playing games. A friend of mine made the comment that she must be interested, because she wouldn't go out in public and risk her job just to make a new friend. He said the risk vs reward factor was too small, and we could easily be friends isolated to the workplace.

I'll certainly try bringing up the subject tonight.

Allow me to bring up the female-to-male translator: "Yes, I am interested in you, but you know that overt displays of affection at work will get one or both of us fired. So just cool down horndog, wait for the first date, and we'll take things one day at a time."

I'm just saying this because from the posts so far you remind me very much of me when I first started dating seriously. I needed constant reminders from the girl that she was into me and read too much into what she said or did. I eventually got over myself and, several ex-girlfriends later I developed enough self-esteem and self-control to approach things one day at a time - which is how I courted my wife and to this day is how we treat our relationship. We take things one day at a time.

Now I'm at the stage that when my 25-year-old cousin tells me about men in her life I always respond with "God! Why do the guys who date you sound soo needy?"  icon_biggrin
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« Reply #32 on: April 30, 2012, 12:57:16 AM »

I keep putting the texts through my translator but all it keeps spitting out is "I'm batshit insane".   It's properly calibrated, so I can't say it's not wrong....
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« Reply #33 on: April 30, 2012, 01:42:09 AM »

1) the initial question doesn't make any sense because all relationships don't make sense.
2) As was mentioned, office relationships can be iffy, howvber, to help play devi8ls advocate, my wife and I met at work (and followed each other to various jobs for several years) and we have been happily married for 22 years now)
3) As was mentioned, if this is a job concern, one or both of you need to think about whats more important.. and is it even a good job?
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« Reply #34 on: April 30, 2012, 01:47:03 AM »

Quote from: Punisher on April 30, 2012, 01:42:09 AM

and is it even a good job?

hey, I think there's only one job that he should be worried about; am I right or am I right?  what's that?
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« Reply #35 on: April 30, 2012, 04:14:04 AM »

Quote from: CeeKay on April 30, 2012, 01:47:03 AM

Quote from: Punisher on April 30, 2012, 01:42:09 AM

and is it even a good job?

hey, I think there's only one job that he should be worried about; am I right or am I right?  what's that?


I can think of more than one, but I see what you did there!
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« Reply #36 on: April 30, 2012, 12:47:25 PM »

Quote from: Harpua3 on April 30, 2012, 04:14:04 AM

Quote from: CeeKay on April 30, 2012, 01:47:03 AM

Quote from: Punisher on April 30, 2012, 01:42:09 AM

and is it even a good job?

hey, I think there's only one job that he should be worried about; am I right or am I right?  what's that?


I can think of more than one, but I see what you did there!

And I think the ultimate goal is for more than one
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« Reply #37 on: April 30, 2012, 12:49:19 PM »

Quote from: Knightshade Dragon on April 30, 2012, 12:57:16 AM

I keep putting the texts through my translator but all it keeps spitting out is "I'm batshit insane".   It's properly calibrated, so I can't say it's not wrong....

Is it calibrated for the neediness of today's young males though? smile Cause I am not kidding when I say the guys my cousin dates all sound like need-a-holics.
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A Pew Research Center poll found nearly half of Americans hold the false belief that TARP was passed under President Obama, while only 34 percent know it originated under Bush.
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« Reply #38 on: April 30, 2012, 01:37:57 PM »

This sounds to me like she's looking for a booty call.
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« Reply #39 on: April 30, 2012, 01:47:58 PM »

Quote from: Razgon on April 28, 2012, 10:47:17 AM

Can a workplace really dictate whether relationships are allowed? wow - In the land that prides itself on freedom?

At least we don't require people to buy licenses for televisions.  But all jokes aside, this isn't a law, it's a policy within companies.  You can't be arrested for it.  I would suspect the main reason behind it is sexual harassment issues.   We're not as cavalier about potential threats to women's rights as you guys.   Tongue

P.S. I wouldn't be surprised if you poked around and found out that many companies in your country have similar restrictions or "suggestions".
« Last Edit: April 30, 2012, 01:53:33 PM by hepcat » Logged

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