I think what we have to consider is a profit margin of only around 8.5%.  When compared to other areas of business, just think about what gas prices could be with a comperable profit margin to say, Microsoft or Apple.  Yes, gas prices are a bit high, but not as high as they could be.

Considering that you are personally responsible for about 20 percent of that profit due to your constantly driving back and forth between the salon, the beauty supply store and the day spa in northern Arizona (you boycotted the one near your house because "the fools tried to use an off brand exfoliate and didn't think i'd know the difference!"), I don't think you have any room to comment on this article.

Man decapitated on bus

how long before this makes its way into a horror film?

July 31st, 2008 - The Day Comedy Died.


 

#8 going back out; refurb that has bad fan-whine and games on disk are choppy.

Whee!

 

Everyone else pretty much gags at the thought of them.  Think of the company you keep, sir.

well, he does hang out here with you.....

Exactly!

oh boy, this is awkward...ummm...you realize that may have more to do with where you've chosen to live, right?

Washington DC?

you may say Washington, but you might be trying to cover up the fact that you actually live in a remote region of West Virginia that makes "The Hills Have Eyes" look like "The Sound of Music"...

...either that or you socialize in such a place after being ostracized for your hillbilly ways in greater DC.

wow, the national abuse center is a great hotline!  15 minutes after i'd emailed them for more info on an intervention, a rep called to walk me through some steps to take.  they gave me a number for a state run treatment center (my friend has no job, ergo no health insurance) and sent me links for info on how to run an intervention.  they told me that we can do it by ourselves, but that we need to read through the info packet she sent me AND that a bed be ready at the treatment center of our choice IMMEDIATELY following the intervention. 

Probably, as I've only seen rednecks in wifebeaters actually eat a Monte Cristo. 

oh boy, this is awkward...ummm...you realize that may have more to do with where you've chosen to live, right?

well, i've contacted a couple of addiction centers and asked for help locating an "interventionist" in the area in which my friend lives.  hopefully i'll find someone who can give us the advice we need.

Does his family know how bad off he is?  It seems like a situation where an intervention needs to occur, from his friends and family.  People to take him aside and just put him into a program that he can't get out of.  Otherwise, its going to be difficult trying to get that person on the "right path".

well, the friend who sent out the original email regarding this person is now planning an intervention.  he wanted to do it this weekend, but i told him that going into that type of situation armed only with experience gained from reality shows on the Lifetime Network and various sitcoms was a recipe for disaster.  they're now planning on doing it NEXT weekend, which I still think is too soon, to be honest.  we really do need advice if we're going to pull this off.  my friend is just amazing in his self-denial and I honestly believe he doesn't think he has a problem. 

anyone have any links with info on interventions?  or perhaps a contact for a help group that might give us some advice?

Does the plan involve an outside expert?  My own experience (limited) with interventions and what I've seen on TV suggests you need someone who can take charge and try and act as an independent third party but who also can honestly show they have experience with the situation.  An intervention of just friends and other concerned folks is more likely to get side-tracked or out of control.  You also need an immediate plan if the person is willing to accept that they need help, something like a place already set up to take them too.

that's my fear, as well.  i dare say that none of us involved have any real experience in this type of situation.  i fear it's going to backfire, to be honest.  i just need to convince them that we DO need outside help. 

Is that sandwich... fucking fried?  WHAT THE FUCK?

No wonder we're a country full of fatasses.

gellar

   moral outrage over a sandwich. 

christ, it's not like we're proposing a steady diet of monte cristos.  some of us are simply extolling the virtues of a sandwich we enjoy every now and then. 

did you know that other countries have the ability to fry foods, by the way?  it's true! 

Does his family know how bad off he is?  It seems like a situation where an intervention needs to occur, from his friends and family.  People to take him aside and just put him into a program that he can't get out of.  Otherwise, its going to be difficult trying to get that person on the "right path".

well, the friend who sent out the original email regarding this person is now planning an intervention.  he wanted to do it this weekend, but i told him that going into that type of situation armed only with experience gained from reality shows on the Lifetime Network and various sitcoms was a recipe for disaster.  they're now planning on doing it NEXT weekend, which I still think is too soon, to be honest.  we really do need advice if we're going to pull this off.  my friend is just amazing in his self-denial and I honestly believe he doesn't think he has a problem. 

anyone have any links with info on interventions?  or perhaps a contact for a help group that might give us some advice?

okay, couple of points we need to establish:

1) Everyone who hates the Cristo is a communist

2) Communists are known girly men and are commonly blamed for the rise of reality television.

3) Ergo, they're all going to hell for their crimes whilst i wave to them (with my non-Cristo bearing hand) from my fluffy cloud located on 777 St. Peter's Road, Heaven.

I must also point out that in my earlier missive regarding my eating habits I was high as a kite on paint thinner and the stuff they use to make cotton candy.  That day I also created the following threads on various boards:

1) That can't possibly be from me!

2) New Diet Tip:  Only Eat What You Can Physically Beat In A Fair Fight

3) Help!  How does one get around a restraining order, and does anyone have Rose McGowan's real phone number!?!?!?

4) I admit it, I bought into the whole "Heaven's Gate" thing at first...

5) When you least expect it...POW...there I am, pants in hand!

Au Contraire, my dear friend.  it is you who have questionable taste buds in this debate.  The Cristo is impervious to your aspersions simply because it has a fan base roughly equal to the population of southern China. 

cave drawings found in France and dating back 12,000 years clearly show early man wrestling with a crudely made fry daddy while his subservient mate prepares the breading for this most sacred of meals. 

According to the Bible, there were actually FOUR wise men who appeared at the manger for the birth of the Christ child (Gaspar, Melchior, Balthasar and Ted).  The fourth is never remembered by the church though because he was bearing a Cristo (Christ-Cristo...hmmm?) and was unable to keep himself from eating it on that long walk from upstate Jersey to Jerusalem.  (The Book of Slappy: Chapter 4, verse 7).

Now, I realize that to an uncultured yokel like yourself, this history of greatness means little.  You SEE breading, you SEE meat, you SEE powdered sugar, yet you don't SEE the sandwich.  For you, the spoon is not only "not there"...it's actually a spork.

But I digest...



 

I did in fact have the Monte Cristo the last time I was there, a few months ago. It's great, but I never would recommend it for lunch on a work day. I felt like a tub of lard the entire rest of the day. 

One just doesn't rush into a Monte Cristo, my friend!  One has to plan.  You have to set aside an entire day for the Cristo.  You have to whiteboard your approach, designating whether or not to consume the accompanying pickle, whether or not to use ketchup on the fries, and how much jam to apply to each section of the actual sandwich.  I've had to bring in consultants to help me eat this sandwich.  Allotting this magnificent bastard only one meal is a mistake many a rookie has come to regret.

Two things:

1) obviously, for those who may think otherwise, the protestations flying back and forth are purely tongue in cheek (at least on my part as i don't know how traumatized both eightball and YK have become by this most divine of sandwiches).

2) "white trash" is most assuredly race related, my friend!  while you yourself may not be trash (and believe me, i've got reams and reams of documentation from your nearby Aveda wholesaler that muddies the waters on that assumption...i've told you countless times: shampoo, conditioner, fixer...why you insist on reversing the order is beyond me), you are definitely white...almost a chalk white...you actually reflect light on a level that makes you visible from space...i honestly don't know how you maintain that level of white.   casper the friendly ghost (who, if you think about it, is actually a dead baby...how much more grim can a children's show get??) looks like george hamilton (or "George Hamil-Tan" for those in his circle of friends...of which I consider myself a member of...or at least a peripheral member of...well, more like someone who watches them from a van with tinted windows whenever they're in town) when compared to you.

the incredibly muscular body with that head on it would be a dead giveaway, unfortunately. 

Remember, although you may have the avatar of Carrottop, you are not him.

You don't take steroids...

and remember, just because you have them in your name doesn't mean you have them in real life.

 

The King of Sandwiches

White trash lunchmeat donut.

"The Sandwich Girly Men Cannot Handle"

by the way, i'm fascinated by race entering the description of a sandwich.   

1)  This article in The Onion entitled "Al Gore Places Infant Son in Rocket to Escape Dying Planet"

2) This headline from the always funny writer(s) of thesuperficial.com regarding the split up between Kate Hudson and Lance Armstrong. 

Kate Hudson & Lance Armstrong make like his testicles and stop being a pair

(I know, I know...it's in poor taste, but it still made me chuckle)

That body brought to you by Bennigan's.

I'll see if i can find the one in which he's wearing a girl's scout uniform and sporting a gold tiara.

if i can't, i'll just hand draw one.

You could just use your girl scout picture, and photoshop in his head.

Lunchmeat donut.

the incredibly muscular body with that head on it would be a dead giveaway, unfortunately.  now, if you send me a press release photo from your last American Girls promotional tour in which you played "America's Sweetheart", I could probably use that.

The King of Sandwiches

i bought it for both the 360 and the psp, dangit!  how dare they ignore me!   

No.

Billy Gibbons is a great guitarist.

Jon Mayer is a frat boy.

John Mayer is a good guitarist.  However, he writes pop songs with simple arrangements and simple guitar parts.

i actually can't stand his music, but he seems to be accepted by many musicians as a damn good guitarist.  he's especially well known for his blues work, oddly enough.  he's worked with bb king, buddy guy and eric clapton (according to his resume). 

I'll see if i can find the one in which he's wearing a girl's scout uniform and sporting a gold tiara.

if i can't, i'll just hand draw one.

None take, as I know the Monte Cristo isn't for everyone. 

Women, for example.

Yes, because eating a deep-fried sugar coated "sandwich" is the hallmark of manliness?

Face it, your beloved concoction is nothing more than a lunchmeat donut.

The only thing I'm facing is your overt femininity.  How dare you mock the sandwich that was once called "America's Silent Killer" and "Cancer's Copilot"!   You don't have the cajones to tackle a Bennigan's Monte Cristo so you take out your frustration on the most noble of the meat and breading food group from behind the anonymity of a public forum. 

Bah, I must remember to just ignore the prattling of lesser men, I guess.  The Monte brings that out in the weak. 

Road trip to Rockford!

we need crayola as our guide.  plus, we'll need backup muscle.  rockford's a tough city. 

Reminds me of a joke Bobcat Goldthwait used to tell.

"I lost my job recently.  Well...I actually didn't lose it.  I mean, I know where it's at.  It's just every time I go there, someone else is doing it."

yeah, i saw that bit on the midnight call and thought, "what a crappy thing to do to the employees".   

Good riddance. A friend of mine begged me to try a Monte Cristo for months before I finally caved in and ordered one. I took two bites, nearly threw up in my plate, and cussed him all the way home for making me waste my money and go back to work hungry. Powdered sugar and meat were never meant to be combined, and anybody who believes so is a godless demon spawn that should crawl back into the filthy sewer mouth of Hell that birthed them. No offense, hepcat. 

None taken, as I know the Monte Cristo isn't for everyone. 

Women, for example.

What I'm trying to say is that I would only be offended if you weren't a pansy girl-man with no discernible external testicles and an utter need to watch Sex and the City reruns whenever you're upset...

 

Anyone wanna loan me about 14,000 dollars to install a walk in freezer and pay for 1500 Monte Cristo sandwiches before the end of August?

As some may remember, I consider the Bennigan's Monte Cristo (seen below in a photo that actually causes grease to form on your computer screen) to be the single greatest sandwich ever created by human hands.



Unfortunately, I just found out that the Bennigan's near me is closing .  As a matter of fact, a LOT of Bennigan's are closing.  This means I have to pump even more money into my Monte Cristo research fund...and perhaps start feeding the culinary scientists I have trapped in my apartment building's cellar...in order speed up their progress on "Project DAMN, THAT'S GOOD".

In light of this sad, sad news, I think the board should be brought down for a few minutes in order to pay tribute to what I affectionately like to call "Death's Little Helper".

 

I've always wanted a full body tattoo of myself facing the other direction on my back....

Well.  The third pillar in the big three (Kelly Clarkson, Avril Lavigne, Alanis)

please, please, please tell me that the three pillars are purely based on sales!  if it's talent...well...i just don't know what to say.   


my three (female) pillars would probably go like this:  P.J. Harvey, Patti Smith and Siouxsie Sioux

oh, i'm painfully aware that he doesn't think he has a problem.  the numerous lies he's been telling to cover up his fall back into drugs is proof of that.    

He's an addict.  He's not going to accept real help until he realizes himself that he has a problem and wants to deal with it.  I did, to a lesser extent, with cigarettes.  I 'quit' several years ago, but would smoke here and there every once in a while.  I finally stopped altogether at the beginning of the year after seriously considering WTF I was doing lying to all my loved ones and myself about it.  It was pretty easy after that.

Until your friend reaches that point, he's not going to quit or better his life regardless of how many times you tell him so.  Once he does, if he does, more than likely he won't need any help at all.

my last cigarette was on May 30th, 2007.  haven't had one since.  took 20 years to quit, though! 

thanks for the good advice purge, hark.  i really do need to find out what i can do to help him.  i'll check out some support groups for drug addiction and see if they can provide me any information.

You also have to wonder whether your friend really wants help or not.  I know that he wants help as in the monetary kind, but does he really want out of the situation he's currently in?  Some people just don't want to be helped; they want someone to keep enabling their lifestyle.  At what point do you draw the line and cut ties with that person before they drag you down their path?

oh, i'm painfully aware that he doesn't think he has a problem.  the numerous lies he's been telling to cover up his fall back into drugs is proof of that.    

dang it.  make riddick BC with the 360 or release the new version.   

thanks for the good advice purge, hark.  i really do need to find out what i can do to help him.  i'll check out some support groups for drug addiction and see if they can provide me any information.

The biggest problem is that I live 400 miles away, unfortunately.  I'm in chicago and he's back in Ohio.  He wanted to come live with me, but putting him in Chicago, as I mentioned earlier, would be a bad idea in my opinion. 

Ridah's suggestion seems more "Trainspotting" inspired.

Your friend needs help for sure. See if religion can turn him around. When people have nothing else left to hold on to, sometimes they can still hold on with faith.

neither of us are religious, but i actually suggested that he go to his nearest church and ask the priest if they have any support groups for alcoholics or drug addiction.  he assured me that he would...which he of course did not even attempt to do.

[Spoiler]

FINALLY got it.  Took me about 23 tries.  Cripes was that frustrating.  I promised myself I was trading the game in for something else right before my last (and successful) attempt.   

Spoiler for Hiden:

now do the other option,LOL

   I actually might!

Man, looking back at this weekend's gaming sessions with GTA I have to laugh.  I was so frustrated at one point that I put down my controller after one failed attempt, calmly walked into the kitchen, poured myself a glass of water...then threw it back in sink while cussing up a storm.   

Unfortunately, I received this email from a mutual friend yesterday regarding my friend who I THOUGHT was getting better:

Wanted to let you guys know. I received a disturbing phone call from [name deleted] today. He has burned through all of the money that he has received from the state (Unemployment checks) . He has three different bank accounts (God knows why). One of them has $15 in it. The other two have negative balances and over $100 in overdraft fees. He gave me access to the account into which he had deposited the original $1300 that he received from the state less than a month ago. He tried to say that the money went to paying bills, which maybe $200 of actually did. There were many withdrawals from ATMs, checks made out to cash, and charges at 3 Star and other convenience stores, and at least one bar.

 

He tried to tell me that he had lost his bank ATM card and/or he was the victim of internet fraud. I honestly don’t believe that either one is true. He claims to have contacted the banks who have frozen his accounts and are investigating the supposed fraud. I fear that in the end he will be the one accused of fraud for initiating these transactions and then claiming that he did not.

 

I have suspected it for some time, but I am now fully convinced that [name deleted] is once again a full-fledged drug addict who has been spending most of his time acquiring and consuming various prescription medications. On his bank account there is a charge to a bar that he claims he doesn’t remember going to and has no idea where this bar is located. I believe that he’s telling the truth in the sense that he was so high at the time he doesn’t even remember going there.

 

He, of course, asked me to lend him money to pay the rent, which I refused to do. I’m telling you all of this not because I think he will try to hit you guys up for money next, if he hasn’t already. I’m telling you this because I am afraid that he’s going to do something drastic like commit bank fraud, piss off the wrong drug dealer, OD, or even commit suicide. Maybe I’m being a little melodramatic about this, but I’m worried for [name deleted], and I’m not sure what to do.

Bringing everyone up to speed:  after he lost his job in the incident I earlier detailed, he went underground for a few weeks.  Finally I got him on the phone a few weeks ago and he told me things were looking up.  He had a job lined up with someone who he had worked with at his previous job.  He had received his unemployment checks (his former boss had disputed his claim, I guess) and he seemed positive.  Cut to a week later and I call him again for a status update.  He tells me that he hasn't started his job as planned because he'd received a black eye while playing basketball (which I found out is a total lie) and he was waiting for it to heal. 

He had it all at one time, that's what makes this even more tragic.  Great job, beautiful (if annoying and shallow) wife and a fantastic house in one of the nicest suburbs in Ohio.  Now all that's gone and he's getting beaten up by dealers. 

At this point I am absolutely out of ideals.  I'm finding out that everything he's been telling me for the last few months is a lie.  I've known this guy for over 2 decades.  We're like family.  But I just don't know what I can do anymore.  It seems like he's completely given up and is now just doing whatever he wants until he either gets caught or dies.   

OO is run on a VM?  That's kinda impressive!

Yes, I use VMware for everything I can now. Makes it so easy to backup and migrate across hardware I can't resist. The server OO is on could die and I would be able to have it back up in no time. Virtual is the only way!

I'm a huge fan of VM's  (I use VMware as well).  I would love to move all my Oracle and MSSQL databases to vmware images, but my boss is wary of doing so.  VMware was a godsend recently when I had to do some work on a client's Great Plains server and was having issues with the licensing when getting copies of their back end databases in house.  I used the free (at the time) vmware converter tool that makes a vm image out of a running system, ftp'd it to my office, started her up and viola...instant development environment using the clients production site.