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Author Topic: Congress Takes Group Of Schoolchildren Hostage  (Read 276 times)
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corruptrelic
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« on: September 30, 2011, 04:24:30 AM »

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WASHINGTON—Brandishing shotguns and semiautomatic pistols, members of the 112th U.S. Congress took a class of visiting schoolchildren hostage today, barricading themselves inside the Capitol rotunda and demanding $12 trillion dollars in cash.

If the money is not delivered by this evening, members of Congress say they will shoot a new child every hour on the hour.

House Speaker John Boehner (R-OH), who has emerged as spokesman for the bipartisan group, informed FBI negotiators this morning that the ransom was to be placed in stainless-steel suitcases and left on the Capitol steps by 4 p.m. sharp. If their demands are not met in full, the 11-term representative announced, "all the kids will die."

"Bring us the money and we let the children go, simple as that," said Boehner, appearing in the East Portico with a serrated switchblade held to one of the fourth-grader's throats. "If you want to play games and stall for extra time, we're going to shoot one kid an hour, starting with little Dillon here."

"Tick tock," he added, vanishing back into the building with the terrified child in tow.

http://www.theonion.com/articles/congress-takes-group-of-schoolchildren-hostage,26207/

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leo8877
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« Reply #1 on: September 30, 2011, 02:01:53 PM »

If this were true it wouldn't even surprise me.
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Larraque
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« Reply #2 on: October 03, 2011, 01:49:32 PM »

Note to self: Threatening to kill children - never funny.
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hepcat
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« Reply #3 on: October 03, 2011, 06:10:14 PM »

Dark humor is a very, very tough balancing act.  The Onion's usually pretty good at nailing it.

...this wasn't one of those times.
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CeeKay
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« Reply #4 on: October 03, 2011, 07:42:35 PM »

To whom it may concern,

Spoiler for Hiden:
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