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Isgrimnur
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« on: August 12, 2008, 01:50:32 AM »

(Cross-posted, OO)

So let's see, I meet a girl through a dating website. She picked my profile out, so gravy to start with. She's the right level of geeky, fun, and has a tech job. We meet for lunch two weeks ago and spend two hours together. We meet for dinner the next week and spend three hours together. We head to dinner and hang out on Sunday for several hours, driving around town and watching a movie at my place. During that time, the conversation never fades, we have a good time, and I get a kiss goodnight.

And things start to slide downhill. We move to text messages for the week, as she is slammed at work. I ask about dinner on Thursday, it doesn't work for the stated work reason, I attempt to reschedule for lunch on Saturday, get a request to move it to Sunday, I agree, and that's the last I hear. I didn't make any attempts to contact her on Sunday during the lunch time frame, figuring that she would call me. I call early evening and leave a voicemail and get no reply. I send a text message today asking after her car, which was hit last week, and no reply.

I have absolutely no idea what happened or why communication has stopped. I decide to do a web search, make sure the improbable hasn't happened, hit by a car, etc., and find a meetup.com profile started the day after our last date and she has joined six singles groups in the intervening days.

So I believe that the facts are clear and we're done. I don't know why and it sucks. Ah, well.

Anyone from the Dallas area want to go see Dave Matthews Band with me on Saturday? I once again have an extra ticket. I won't expect the kiss goodnight.
« Last Edit: August 12, 2008, 03:21:14 AM by Isgrimnur » Logged

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naednek
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« Reply #1 on: August 12, 2008, 03:33:15 AM »

Quote from: Isgrimnur on August 12, 2008, 01:50:32 AM

l.

Anyone from the Dallas area want to go see Dave Matthews Band with me on Saturday? I once again have an extra ticket. I won't expect the kiss goodnight.

Neither will Ceekay Tongue

Sorry things didn't work out.  I hated dating, thankfully I had one long term relationship and it's over with smile  Over with, meaning I married her.
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« Reply #2 on: August 12, 2008, 03:40:39 AM »

Hang in there. Dating is pretty tough and brutal. I'm in the thick of it as well and I'm hating every minute of it. Most of the time I'm consigned to the fact that I'd be happier just doing the single, alone thing and not have to deal with the games and the drama.
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« Reply #3 on: August 12, 2008, 03:45:02 AM »

Yeah, I've had that happen before.  Pretty crappy.

I just assume the girl was a skank who went home drunk with someone and is too chickenshit to call and admit it.  I figure a woman like that is a good riddance.  icon_lol

Of course, I'm not saying you call her and leave a message to that effect.  For all you know something major happened and you're (rightfully) not the first person on her list of concerns.

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« Reply #4 on: August 12, 2008, 04:13:45 AM »

wimmin-  can't live with them, can't legally pay them for sex outside of Nevada.
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« Reply #5 on: August 12, 2008, 08:43:28 AM »

Norm - "Women, you cant live with'em...pass the peanuts please.."
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« Reply #6 on: August 12, 2008, 01:47:18 PM »

I used to love her, but I had to kill her
I used to love her, but I had to kill her
I had to put her
Six feet under
And I can still hear her complain

I used to love her, but I had to kill her
I used to love her, but I had to kill her
I knew I miss her
So I had to keep her
She's buried right in my back yard

I used to love her, but I had to kill her
I used to love her, but I had to kill her
She bitched so much
She drove me nuts
And now I'm happier this way

I used to love her, but I had to kill her
I used to love her, but I had to kill her
I had to put her
Six feet under
And I can still hear her complain
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« Reply #7 on: August 12, 2008, 02:29:21 PM »

"Women : you can't live with em, and you can't dress them up in skimpy leather nazi uniforms and beat them with whips". -Al Bundy (IIRC)
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« Reply #8 on: August 12, 2008, 03:37:42 PM »

Dating sucks, Isgrimnur. I'm in the same boat, and have had women fade away they same way yours did. Typically, non-return of calls/emails/text-messages is the way they play the game. The way I react to that is, I don't give any woman any exclusivity during the first three months. I recommend any guy to still be dating other women during that time.
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Isgrimnur
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« Reply #9 on: August 12, 2008, 07:01:08 PM »

So if things work out in the e-mail exchange and I get a first date next week, what's the plan on how to make it go smoothly?
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« Reply #10 on: August 12, 2008, 07:04:25 PM »

Quote from: Isgrimnur on August 12, 2008, 07:01:08 PM

So if things work out in the e-mail exchange and I get a first date next week, what's the plan on how to make it go smoothly?

Date-rape drug.  Tongue

Seriously, though, there is no plan.  Just be yourself and have fun.  If you go in with a plan you'll fall on your face more often than not.

I met my wife through an online dating service, but of course went out with other girls from there before her, and as long as you don't put up an act, you'll usually come out on top.
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Isgrimnur
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« Reply #11 on: August 12, 2008, 07:26:44 PM »

Yeah, that hasn't been working.  I wind up so afraid to make a move too early drool that I wait way too late and lose the opportunity. The general consensus seems to be that I need to make a definite play no later than date 2.  And that's if I don't manage to screw it up in the e-mail stage.
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PeteRock
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« Reply #12 on: August 12, 2008, 07:31:18 PM »

While I apply my advice to meeting new friends (as I am married), it can be applied to dating as well.  I am always myself.  If the people I meet like me, great.  If not, so be it.  At least I know their response is based upon the impression they have of me, not the person I was pretending to be.  We've met some couples since moving to Arizona, and while we spend a great deal of time with some, others have drifted away.  On occasions when my wife is upset with me she blames me for driving them away, saying that they don't spend time with us anymore because they don't like me.  Fine.  Why would I want to spend time with someone who doesn't like me?  As far as I am concerned, you have to take the good with the bad.  My personality isn't all sunshine and rainbows.  But I'm not a bad person, either.  I have my moments.

You have to be confident in the person you are.  When it comes to relationships, she has to like you for you, and not just for the positive aspects of your personality.  My wife loves me just as much for my positive attributes as she does for my faults.  And the women who truly matter are the ones who appreciate your faults, as they are what make or break a relationship.  I love my wife for the frustration she causes by never folding the couch blanket correctly, I love her for her inability to find something even if it is right in front of her face, and I love her for conveniently "forgetting" to clean up the dog crap, leaving it for me to do when I get home.  Because these things make her who she is, the woman I love.  The positives are just gravy, as they can only make our relationship stronger.  It's easy to love the good things.  But true love includes the bad as well.

Be yourself.  In my case I might want to be a slightly toned-down version of myself as many have said that I can be a bit intense, but it is important for your date to see you, not the person you think she wants to see.  Yes, this means becoming more comfortable with rejection, as not everyone may dig the person that you are.  Hell, as hard as this may be to believe, there are people out there who don't like PeteRock.   icon_eek  But the key is being able to accept that.  After all, you can't please everyone, and not everyone will like you.  But value those who do, especially if they like you for the person you are, not the person they want you to be.

Granted, "be yourself" is such a cliche saying, but it wouldn't stand the test of time if it weren't true.  You have to want someone to like you for who you are, you shouldn't feel pressure to convince them to like you by being who you think they might like.  
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« Reply #13 on: August 12, 2008, 07:33:52 PM »

Quote from: PeteRock on August 12, 2008, 07:31:18 PM

In my case I might want to be a slightly toned-down version of myself as many have said that I can be a bit intense

I also doubt that there would be many women out there that would want to compete with Pete's fabulosity on the first few dates.  Tongue
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« Reply #14 on: August 12, 2008, 08:22:58 PM »

Quote from: PeteRock on August 12, 2008, 07:31:18 PM

My personality isn't all sunshine and rainbows.

No, but I did see a curious amount of cute wildlife hanging around, following you as you sang your gay (not homosexual) song. Fabulous
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« Reply #15 on: August 12, 2008, 08:35:55 PM »

Dress and act like a rock star...but without the whole "choking to death on your own vomit" part.
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« Reply #16 on: August 12, 2008, 08:41:45 PM »

I like the lyrical answer...so here's mine (yes its probably inappropriate and I don't have any advice beyond, you'll know when you've found the right one):

Girls - all I really want is girls
And in the morning it's girls
Cause in the evening it's girls

I like the way that they walk
And it's chill to hear them talk
And I can always make them smile
From White Castle to the Nile

Back in the day
There was this girl around the way
She liked by home-piece M.C.A.
He said he would not give her play
I asked him, "Please?" - he said, "You may."
Her pants were tight and that's ok
If she would dance - I would D.J.
We took a walk down to the bay

I hope she'll say, "Hey me and you should hit the hay!"
I asked her out - she said, "No way!"
I should have probably guessed her gay
So I broke North with no delay
I heard she moved real far away
That was two years ago this May
I seen her just the other day
Jockin' Mike D. to my dismay

Girls - to do the dishes
Girls - to clean up my room
Girls - to do the laundry
Girls - and in the bathroom
Girls - that's all I really want is girls
Two at a time - I want girls
With new wave hairdos - I want girls
I ought to whip out my - girls, girls, girls, girls, girls!
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Isgrimnur
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« Reply #17 on: August 12, 2008, 08:43:17 PM »

I have no problem with being myself with regard to the conversation aspect of things.  I can hold my own there and seem to do okay.  My problem is the transition to the romantic part of the encounter.
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« Reply #18 on: August 12, 2008, 08:47:48 PM »

Quote from: Isgrimnur on August 12, 2008, 08:43:17 PM

I have no problem with being myself with regard to the conversation aspect of things.  I can hold my own there and seem to do okay.  My problem is the transition to the romantic part of the encounter.

Tell them you want to play a game called "Just the tip".  See where it goes from there.
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« Reply #19 on: August 12, 2008, 08:54:05 PM »

Quote from: Zimix on August 12, 2008, 08:47:48 PM

I have no problem with being myself with regard to the conversation aspect of things.  I can hold my own there and seem to do okay.  My problem is the transition to the romantic part of the encounter.

You need to learn how to read body language.  If the girl in your OP agreed to go to your place to watch a movie, she more than likely wanted more than just a movie.  If you're in a situation where you're not sure whether she wants to take things further, you could try subtle shit like "accidentally" brushing your hand against hers and see if she draws hers away or tries to grab yours.  Things like that help.  Also, if you're holding a conversation in close quarters, and she keeps looking at your lips, licking hers unintentionally, etc, she probably wants you to kiss her.
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« Reply #20 on: August 12, 2008, 09:53:12 PM »

Quote from: rickfc on August 12, 2008, 08:54:05 PM

Quote from: Zimix on August 12, 2008, 08:47:48 PM

I have no problem with being myself with regard to the conversation aspect of things.  I can hold my own there and seem to do okay.  My problem is the transition to the romantic part of the encounter.

You need to learn how to read body language.  If the girl in your OP agreed to go to your place to watch a movie, she more than likely wanted more than just a movie.  If you're in a situation where you're not sure whether she wants to take things further, you could try subtle shit like "accidentally" brushing your hand against hers and see if she draws hers away or tries to grab yours.  Things like that help.  Also, if you're holding a conversation in close quarters, and she keeps looking at your lips, licking hers unintentionally, etc, she probably wants you to kiss her.

What I've also found is that when you accidentally whip it out and scream, "Whooo this is my love pump," you can often figure out where the night will go by noticing her reaction.
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« Reply #21 on: August 12, 2008, 10:00:20 PM »

My wife, before we were married, would typically test the waters with, "Nice shoes.  Wanna' fuck?"  I find honesty to be a refreshing approach.  Even at that early stage in our relationship she knew that the way to my heart was through complimenting my apearance.   The Weghted Companion Cube will never threaten to stab you.

Whenever my wife comes home with new shoes I find that it works in reverse, too.  Although with nowhere near the success rate as when she tries it.   disgust
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« Reply #22 on: August 12, 2008, 10:14:11 PM »

Quote from: PeteRock on August 12, 2008, 10:00:20 PM

My wife, before we were married, would typically test the waters with, "Nice shoes.  Wanna' fuck?"  I find honesty to be a refreshing approach.  Even at that early stage in our relationship she knew that the way to my heart was through complimenting my apearance.   The Weghted Companion Cube will never threaten to stab you.

Whenever my wife comes home with new shoes I find that it works in reverse, too.  Although with nowhere near the success rate as when she tries it.   disgust

I was wondering why she kept staring at my shoes.....
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« Reply #23 on: August 13, 2008, 01:37:05 AM »

My best advice is to keep it simple for date 1 (drinks or coffee) and don't stress over the kiss.  No girl who actually likes you is going to hold it against you if you don't kiss on the first date.  If she agrees to date 2, she's interested, so you've got a green light.  Just try to get it out of the way early and don't wait for the Big Moment at the end of the date when you know you're going to be in the spotlight.  I've actually had the most success just being totally silly and saying something like "Oh hey, I brought you a surprise!" and quickly going for it.  That will no doubt be quoted out of context for humorous effect in subsequent posts smile  But girls appreciate a bit of silliness.

Good luck and let us know how it goes.
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« Reply #24 on: August 13, 2008, 03:07:05 AM »

Quote from: Isgrimnur on August 12, 2008, 08:43:17 PM

I have no problem with being myself with regard to the conversation aspect of things.  I can hold my own there and seem to do okay.  My problem is the transition to the romantic part of the encounter.

Your problem is that you seem to think there is a transition.  There is not.  Day 1, Point 1 = getting the job done.  A woman does not have a feeling out portion of a relationship.  She either wants some or does not and is just humoring you.  Next to nothing you can do during a date or subsequent dates will change the opinion she made within about 20 minutes of meeting you.

Go after what you want from the start.  Stop pussyfooting around.  Make your intentions clear.

gellar
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« Reply #25 on: August 13, 2008, 10:03:24 AM »

In the words of Slick Rick:

Treat em like a prostitue (do what? )
Dont treat no girlie well until youre sure of the scoop
cause all they do is they hurt and trample


Yes, I'm single
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« Reply #26 on: August 13, 2008, 01:18:45 PM »

Confidence is key. If you're in a crowded bar and you're talking to her, don't bend towards her, make her come to you. If she has no interest the three points won't be facing you (face, abdomen and waist).

Body language is important. Don't let her be your entire focus; women generally don't want to be overtly pursued; when in control they tend to let the men "get away". If she's pursuing you, however and you make yourself interesting, then you'll have way more success.

Don't linger; when the conversation is over YOU be the one to call it. Eg: Hey, I gotta run. You've got my number, right? Gimme a call sometime, maybe we can do this again sometime.

Don't let it get to the awkward "Uhm, yeah... I gotta get going I guess. What are you up to now... oh, you have to go? Ok, well, I guess I'll see you later. I'll call you later ..."

Confidence is key. Also, teasing works well to break ice. If she's got pretty eyes and has been told about her eyes from everyone under the sun, tease her about it instead of gushing over her obvious strengths. If you want to boost a girl, compliment her on things she considers a weakness (lets say she says she hates her hair; make a comment like "I know what you mean; you should just shave it off (you NEED to be smiling when you say that!). I picked up a teller once by asking if she'd skimmed enough money from the register to take me out tonight.

Also, plan ahead. If you are going to take a girl out to someplace, have alternatives and don't TELL her about them ahead of time. You need to seem like you know what you're doing, even if you're shit-scared.

Don't be a shill though; you need to be a more confident version of yourself. When you're dealing with women it's like meeting a strange dog; they smell fear and react badly to it. Also, if you have any second-guessing in your head, crush it, ignore it, whatever.
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