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Question: Which would you prefer to have chewed off by a chimpanzee?
Your face - 2 (7.1%)
Your fingers - 8 (28.6%)
Your testicles - 18 (64.3%)
Total Voters: 28

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Author Topic: Which would you prefer a chimp to chew off?  (Read 1443 times)
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IkeVandergraaf
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« on: July 01, 2008, 07:52:34 PM »

As inspired by this article, you have the choice of having one set of body parts chewed off by a chimpanzee.  What do you choose?

Yes,  all 10 fingers.  Yes, both nuts.  For the face, assume that it's your nose and lips, but not eyelids; i.e., you're not blinded, but you would have to wear a mask.

Discuss.

As much as I hate to admit it, I chose testicles.  I really don't want to part with the use of my hands, and I don't want to look all freakish from the loss of my face.  My nuts, honestly, have pretty much caused me more trouble than they're worth.
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« Reply #1 on: July 01, 2008, 07:55:23 PM »

All 10 fingers? No brainer for da nutz. If it was 4 fingers it'd be a much harder choice... Also with regard to the nutz,  are fellowz allowed to donate for posterity before the chimp mauling occurs?

And if a chimp chewed off my face, I'm not sure people would be able to tell the difference.  crybaby
« Last Edit: July 01, 2008, 07:57:35 PM by ATB » Logged
rickfc
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« Reply #2 on: July 01, 2008, 07:59:48 PM »

I voted fingers, but I've changed my mind.  I couldn't do without all 10.  My nuts on the other hand, I could do without now.  I have a kid and I'm happy where I am.
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PeteRock
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« Reply #3 on: July 01, 2008, 08:03:28 PM »

I've chosen Ike's testicles as well.  I'm too pretty to have my face chewed off, without fingers I'd no longer be able to get manicures, and someone or something's teeth and my nuts were never meant to be brought into contact with one another.   
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TK-421
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« Reply #4 on: July 01, 2008, 08:04:59 PM »

Quote from: PeteRock on July 01, 2008, 08:03:28 PM

I've chosen Ike's testicles as well. 

God damnit.  Beaten to the punch (ing bag).
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Shinjin
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« Reply #5 on: July 01, 2008, 09:07:07 PM »

Nuts.  Much easier to adopt a kid than new fingers/face.
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chaosraven
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« Reply #6 on: July 01, 2008, 09:09:31 PM »

Would this be "vicious grinding chewing action" or "delicate mastication"?

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Shinjin
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« Reply #7 on: July 01, 2008, 09:20:57 PM »

user preference?   retard
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CrayolaSmoker
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« Reply #8 on: July 01, 2008, 09:27:59 PM »

ik ty6pe bthis wigth njosse b ecaquser nho m onkey eat6 face3 o0r4 gtenitals.l;
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JohnathanStrange
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« Reply #9 on: July 01, 2008, 11:04:36 PM »

I have to admit: I never thought this would come up again!

Keep your stinking paws, off me, you damn dirty ape!
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disarm
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« Reply #10 on: July 01, 2008, 11:21:54 PM »

definitely the family jewels...much easier to live without those than my fingers, and they wouldn't get much use if my face were chewed off anyway.  while i'd be missing out on the chance to have kids of my own some day, adoption is always an option and you could carry on a fairly normal life without testicles. 
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Unagi
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« Reply #11 on: July 02, 2008, 01:00:14 AM »

I was a little shocked to see the  "View Results" link placed so close to the   "your testicles" option.
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« Reply #12 on: July 02, 2008, 02:05:27 AM »

a testosterone shot in your butt every couple of weeks and you're good to go.  No baby making abilities, but otherwise the hydraulics would work fine.
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CeeKay
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« Reply #13 on: July 02, 2008, 02:47:41 AM »

Quote from: TK-421 on July 01, 2008, 08:04:59 PM

Quote from: PeteRock on July 01, 2008, 08:03:28 PM

I've chosen Ike's testicles as well.

God damnit.  Beaten to the punch (ing bag).

I agree.  I can do without Ike's nuts.
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kadnod
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« Reply #14 on: July 02, 2008, 03:17:48 AM »

Face.  Losing your face to a chimp is a cool supervillain origin story.  Losing your nuts to a chimp just makes for a bunch of awkward third dates.
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dbt1949
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« Reply #15 on: July 02, 2008, 11:29:06 AM »

I hate monkeys.
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TK-421
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« Reply #16 on: July 02, 2008, 12:34:24 PM »

Quote from: dbt1949 on July 02, 2008, 11:29:06 AM

I hate monkeys.

Quote
I like monkeys.

The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece.  I thought that
odd since they were normally a couple thousand each.  I decided not to
look a gift horse in the mouth.  I bought 200.  I like monkeys.

I took my 200 monkeys home.  I have a big car.  I let one drive.  His
name was Sigmund.  He was retarded.  In fact, none of them were really
bright.  They kept punching themselves in their genitals.  I laughed.
Then they punched my genitals.  I stopped laughing.

I herded them into my room.  They didn't adapt very well to their new
environment.  They would screech, hurl themselves off of the couch at
high speeds and slam into the wall.  Although humorous at first, the
spectacle lost its novelty halfway into its third hour.

Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive:
they all died.  No apparent reason.  They all just sorta' dropped dead.
Kinda' like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later.  Damn
cheap monkeys.

I didn't know what to do.  There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my
room, on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked
like I had 200 throw rugs.

I tried to flush one down the toilet.  It didn't work.  It got stuck.
Then I had one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys.

I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals.  That worked for
a while, that is until they began to decompose.  It started to smell real
bad.

I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in the toilet and I didn't want
to call the plumber.  I was embarrassed.

I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them.  Unfortunately
there was only enough room for two monkeys at a time so I had to change
them every 30 seconds.  I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so
it didn't all go bad.

I tried burning them.  Little did I know my bed was flammable.  I had to
extinguish the fire.

Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in
my freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed.  The odor
wasn't improving.

I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my monkeys and to use the
bathroom.  I severely beat one of my monkeys.  I felt better.

I tried throwing them way but the garbage man said that the city wasn't
allowed to dispose of charred primates.  I told him that I had a wet
one.  He couldn't take that one either.  I didn't bother asking about the
frozen ones.

I finally arrived at a solution.  I gave them out as Christmas gifts.  My
friends didn't know quite what to say.  They pretended that they like
them but I could tell they were lying.  Ingrates.  So I punched them in
the genitals.

I like monkeys
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hispanicgamer
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« Reply #17 on: July 02, 2008, 01:24:15 PM »

Quote
They finally lost in 1999 when Moe bit part of a woman's finger off when she inserted her hand in his cage. The Davises said he mistook her red-painted fingernail for his favorite licorice. The incident also came after Moe mauled a police officer's hand when he mistook the hand as a pack of his favorite Ballpark Franks..
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Toe
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« Reply #18 on: July 02, 2008, 01:45:32 PM »

I think I would go with fingers. Cause they can take off your toes and use them as fingers.
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CeeKay
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« Reply #19 on: July 02, 2008, 02:14:47 PM »

Quote from: Toe on July 02, 2008, 01:45:32 PM

I think I would go with fingers. Cause they can take off your toes and use them as fingers.

figures you'd want your toes on your hands.
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IkeVandergraaf
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« Reply #20 on: July 02, 2008, 03:47:27 PM »

My favorite part of the article is at the end:

Quote
The couple, who have no children, broke down in tears at a press conference in Los Angeles.

``What am I going to do?'' sobbed LaDonna Davis.

``He meant the world to us,'' said St. James Davis. ``He was the best man at my wedding.''
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« Reply #21 on: July 04, 2008, 02:34:45 PM »

Quote from: Unagi on July 02, 2008, 01:00:14 AM

I was a little shocked to see the  "View Results" link placed so close to the   "your testicles" option.

I'm laughing so hard I'm crying!

Oh, and I'm up for the nuts. Frankly I thought I lost them in the divorce as it is. Having a monkey chew them off is less painful; I equate it to a good ol' traditional vasectomy (with rabies shots).
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gameoverman
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« Reply #22 on: July 04, 2008, 09:28:02 PM »

I voted for face.  You could explain the face thing, "His owner swore he didn't bite..."

What about testicles?  "His owner swore he wouldn't bite..." doesn't sound as good, does it?

Fingers are out of the question, Diablo 3 is on the way for crying out loud, how are you going to click?
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mytocles
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« Reply #23 on: July 04, 2008, 10:29:25 PM »

Quote from: PeteRock on July 01, 2008, 08:03:28 PM

I've chosen Ike's testicles as well.  I'm too pretty to have my face chewed off, without fingers I'd no longer be able to get manicures, and someone or something's teeth and my nuts were never meant to be brought into contact with one another.   

LMAO +100!  And that was only the first of the hysterical responses.  icon_lol

I wasn't even going to read this post (because of what it might contain) but my curiosity finally got me, and I'm glad it did so that I didn't miss all those funny answers.

I didn't vote, but if I had to, I guess I'd choose testicles as well.  Luckily for me, that means nothing will be chewed off, since - if high school biology and sex-ed are still correct - women rarely have testicles.  What you don't got, you can't miss!   icon_twisted

TK-421, where did you get that hilarious, ummm "story" I guess?
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« Reply #24 on: July 04, 2008, 10:43:09 PM »

Between Chaosraven and Unagi I was laughing to the point of actual - honest to god - tears.
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