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Question: What should I do?
Burn my house down with purifying fire and hope it dies? - 15 (48.4%)
Sell my house to some unsuspecting family? - 1 (3.2%)
Frequently lure hapless victims into the basement in hopes of satisfying its hunger? - 14 (45.2%)
Run for my life? - 1 (3.2%)
Total Voters: 31

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Author Topic: There's a giant spider in my basement!  (Read 2023 times)
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Windows95
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« on: May 10, 2008, 09:50:36 PM »

I just went into my basement and a giant spider was crawling along the wall.  Any spider bigger than an inch long is obviously deadly and longs to taste human flesh.  What should I do?

I'm hiding somewhere safe until I develop a plan of action.  ninja
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Dan_Theman
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« Reply #1 on: May 10, 2008, 09:52:26 PM »

Do you have a clock hanging on the wall in the basement?  slywink
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Windows95
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« Reply #2 on: May 10, 2008, 09:53:28 PM »

Quote from: Dan_Theman on May 10, 2008, 09:52:26 PM

Do you have a clock hanging on the wall in the basement?  slywink

No clocks in my basement.  We all know spiders hide behind them!
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Miltonite
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« Reply #3 on: May 10, 2008, 10:48:34 PM »

Little shop of horrors pops into my head. 


Don't worry, just tell some neighborhood kids you have tons of candy down there, maybe parents will even thank you. ninja
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« Reply #4 on: May 10, 2008, 10:50:41 PM »

TTIWWP
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« Reply #5 on: May 10, 2008, 11:30:46 PM »

Lure hapless victims in. Either the spider will consume them, and leave you safe for having appeased its hunger and viewing you as a renewable food resource, or the victim will slay the monstrous spider for you. Either way, you win!
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« Reply #6 on: May 10, 2008, 11:33:50 PM »

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TheMissingLink
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« Reply #7 on: May 10, 2008, 11:34:55 PM »

PICTURES!
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« Reply #8 on: May 10, 2008, 11:37:35 PM »

Sell your house to an unsuspecting family, *then* burn it down.
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« Reply #9 on: May 11, 2008, 12:11:38 AM »

Pictures?  Are you insane?

This isn't the Blair Witch Project!  I'd have to die to take the pictures.

I'll try to describe it to you.  It's black, has eight legs, creeps me out, and is probably almost a whole inch in size.

Oh, and it smells like death.
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Huw the Poo
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« Reply #10 on: May 11, 2008, 12:16:47 AM »

Spiders, in all their eight-legged arrogance, deserve only death.  Burn the house down if you have to, just make it die.
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chaosraven
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Freakin' Puppets


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« Reply #11 on: May 11, 2008, 12:18:41 AM »

Some people have all the luck.

My daughter is collecting a Slug Colony.

Thus far we have had no success feeding neighborhood kids to them.

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« Reply #12 on: May 11, 2008, 01:10:14 AM »

So far everyone who has replied to this thread needs to turn their man cards in!

Go into the basement, CATCH the spider alive, then have someone take a picture of you posing next to your captive and you shall get your man card back and we will completely forget the girly choices you gave us for the poll!  icon_wink
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« Reply #13 on: May 11, 2008, 01:15:29 AM »

Devour it's soul and gain it's powers to take over the world.
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« Reply #14 on: May 11, 2008, 01:28:22 AM »

Burn the house in righteous fire.....GO NOW!!
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« Reply #15 on: May 11, 2008, 01:39:22 AM »

This piece of shit was in my basement a few weekends ago.





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« Reply #16 on: May 11, 2008, 01:47:46 AM »

Dude, they're just spiders.  They are actually pretty cool and will help keep insects you don't want away.  Or birds...depends on the size.
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CeeKay
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« Reply #17 on: May 11, 2008, 02:02:23 AM »

nuke it from orbit.  it's the only way to be sure.

and don't listen to the Grue-  they're probably in league and he only wants the spider to be left alone so he can be let into your home by it and eat you.
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« Reply #18 on: May 11, 2008, 03:13:19 AM »

omg kill it with fire!!
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« Reply #19 on: May 11, 2008, 03:53:23 AM »

Quote from: The Grue on May 11, 2008, 01:47:46 AM

Dude, they're just spiders.  They are actually pretty cool and will help keep insects you don't want away.  Or birds...depends on the size.

I'm sorry - but this line of scientific "knowledge" has been peddled for far too long acting as if it explains the nature of spiders to make them seem needed and necessary.

Simply put their is only one way to treat the arachnid threat and that is with force, put unadulterated force. Kill the eight-legs. Kill them all. Make them respect the force of your will and prove that you are indeed the master of your domain. In this I advise a can or aerosol and a lighter.
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« Reply #20 on: May 11, 2008, 05:39:39 AM »

Quote from: CSL on May 11, 2008, 03:53:23 AM

Quote from: The Grue on May 11, 2008, 01:47:46 AM

Dude, they're just spiders.  They are actually pretty cool and will help keep insects you don't want away.  Or birds...depends on the size.
Simply put their is only one way to treat the arachnid threat and that is with force, put unadulterated force. Kill the eight-legs. Kill them all. Make them respect the force of your will and prove that you are indeed the master of your domain. In this I advise a can or aerosol and a lighter.
I was under the impression that Canadians were progressive enough to realize "Catch and Release" applies to more than just fish.  If you can't bear the thought of it, go ahead and flatten it with your purse. 
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Arnir
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« Reply #21 on: May 11, 2008, 06:28:26 AM »

Double OO Magnum Buckshot.  Give it the full magazine. Then reload. Then empty again. Repeat five times. 
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If the road home crosses any landscape features that include words like "forgotten," "void," "razorthorn," "shadowmist," or "doom," then I vote that we take a nap first.
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« Reply #22 on: May 11, 2008, 06:39:44 AM »

Quote from: Arnir on May 11, 2008, 06:28:26 AM

Double OO Magnum Buckshot. 

but OO is down, so where you gonna get it?
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« Reply #23 on: May 11, 2008, 06:44:48 AM »

Quote from: CeeKay on May 11, 2008, 06:39:44 AM

Quote from: Arnir on May 11, 2008, 06:28:26 AM

Double OO Magnum Buckshot. 

but OO is down, so where you gonna get it?

I could tell you, but then I would have to treat you like a spider.
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If the road home crosses any landscape features that include words like "forgotten," "void," "razorthorn," "shadowmist," or "doom," then I vote that we take a nap first.
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« Reply #24 on: May 11, 2008, 07:10:17 AM »

I catch the goddamn things in jars, sit them on my desk and watch them slowly suffocate to death. It's more satisfying than squishing them, and you don't have to feel/hear the disgusting *crunch* of their death.

It goes like this. Wait until the spider is not moving, on a flat surface, like a wall. Fast like a marsupial, put the jar over it tight against the wall. Usually they'll start moving right away. If they don't, slide the jar around while still keeping it firm against the wall. Here is where you make use of your mancard. Once they are in the jar (hopefully toward the back), quickly pull it away from the wall and put the lid on. If you're quick enough, you will succeed. If you're not, and the spider jumps on your face, bite it like a man. Or crush it with your eyelid. Your choice.
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« Reply #25 on: May 11, 2008, 09:17:49 AM »

Quote from: corruptrelic on May 11, 2008, 01:10:14 AM

So far everyone who has replied to this thread needs to turn their man cards in!

For the record, I'm not scared of the vile creatures at all.  Usually I employ catch-and-release (only because if I crush it I'd have to clean up the mess).  However, that doesn't change the fact that I think spiders, along with wasps, are the root of all evil.
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« Reply #26 on: May 11, 2008, 03:02:30 PM »

Quote from: lildrgn on May 11, 2008, 01:39:22 AM

This piece of shit was in my basement a few weekends ago.

<images of nasty scary brown recluse>

One of those fuckers resulted in this a while back ... (spoilered for those who don't like gooey wounds)

Spoiler for Hiden:
That shiny spot on top?  That's where my doctor told me to push on a regular basis to get the white stuff out.   It was oodles and oodles of fun for about 3 weeks.

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« Reply #27 on: May 11, 2008, 05:00:46 PM »

Quote from: Huw the Poo on May 11, 2008, 09:17:49 AM

For the record, I'm not scared of the vile creatures at all.  Usually I employ catch-and-release (only because if I crush it I'd have to clean up the mess).  However, that doesn't change the fact that I think spiders, along with wasps, hornets and yellowjackets are the root of all evil.

fixed that for you.
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« Reply #28 on: May 11, 2008, 07:23:12 PM »



Call this guy.
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