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Author Topic: The Dirty Joke Thread [NSFW text - duh]  (Read 1252 times)
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Knightshade Dragon
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« on: August 26, 2012, 05:52:46 PM »

I think it's time to lighten the mood.  Let's start a nice dirty joke thread.  NSFW is implied, but let's keep it to text.  Here we go:

A man and a woman are sitting at the bar one night, drinking their problems away. After a time, the man decides to ask the woman, "What's the matter, you seem really down?" The woman responds, "Well, it's just that my husband left me." The man looked surprised as the woman was quite attractive and asked "Why would he leave you?" The woman replied, "He said I was too kinky in the bedroom." Immediately the man's eyes lit up in shock at her answer. "My wife actually just left me for the same reason," he told her, and it was the truth. The two of them get to talking and eventually she invites the man to her home. They enter her bedroom, and the woman instructs the man to take a seat on the bed, that she is going to 'get ready' in the other room. The woman proceeds to attire herself in a leather corset, complete with whip, chains, and ballgag. She heads to the pantry and grabs a bottle of whipped cream and some Tabasco sauce. The woman then reenters the bedroom to see the man putting on his coat about to walk out the door. The woman exclaims, "What's the matter? I thought you were kinky!" to which the man replied, "Lady, I just fucked your dog and shit in your purse, I'm done here."


NEXT!
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« Reply #1 on: August 26, 2012, 07:53:35 PM »

Q: When do you kick a midget in the balls?
Spoiler for Hiden:
A: When he is standing next to your girlfriend saying her hair smells nice

Q: Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey?
Spoiler for Hiden:
A: Because Kermit likes sweet and sour pork.
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« Reply #2 on: August 26, 2012, 09:08:55 PM »

A man and woman just got married and are on the first night of their honeymoon together, but both being devout christians have never done more than kiss each other before. They climb into bed together, but just as things are getting hot and heavy and the husband is about to take off his new wife's shirt, she stops him and says "Honey, I need you to know something before you take off my shirt.  I have the breasts of a 10 year old girl. I hope you'll still love me." The husband takes off her shirt, smiles, and tells his bride that she's beautiful and that he loves her now more than ever.

A few minutes later, the wife is about to take off her new husband's pants when he stops her..."You were honest with me my love, so I feel that there is something you should know about me as well, and I hope you'll still love me after. I'm hung like a newborn baby." The wife assures her husband that she'll love him no matter what and proceeds to take off his pants. As soon as she pulls them down, she lets out a blood curdling scream and passes out. When his wife finally wakes up, the husband asks her what happened, to which the wife responds "I thought you said you were hung like a newborn boy."

"I am my love," says the husband..."21 inches, 8.5 pounds"
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« Reply #3 on: August 26, 2012, 09:35:38 PM »

here's a few:
What's the difference between meat and fish?
Spoiler for Hiden:
You can't beat your fish.

What part of Popeye never rusts?
Spoiler for Hiden:
The part he dips in Olive Oil.

What's the difference between a penis and a bonus?
Spoiler for Hiden:
Your wife will blow your bonus.

What's the difference between a 1st date and a 5th date?
Spoiler for Hiden:
1st date you snatch a kiss.
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« Reply #4 on: August 27, 2012, 02:14:21 AM »

What do you call that useless skin around the ... nevermind.

Tongue
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« Reply #5 on: August 27, 2012, 05:49:58 AM »

Quote from: Knightshade Dragon on August 26, 2012, 05:52:46 PM

I think it's time to lighten the mood.  Let's start a nice dirty joke thread.  NSFW is implied, but let's keep it to text.  Here we go:

A man and a woman are sitting at the bar one night, drinking their problems away. After a time, the man decides to ask the woman, "What's the matter, you seem really down?" The woman responds, "Well, it's just that my husband left me." The man looked surprised as the woman was quite attractive and asked "Why would he leave you?" The woman replied, "He said I was too kinky in the bedroom." Immediately the man's eyes lit up in shock at her answer. "My wife actually just left me for the same reason," he told her, and it was the truth. The two of them get to talking and eventually she invites the man to her home. They enter her bedroom, and the woman instructs the man to take a seat on the bed, that she is going to 'get ready' in the other room. The woman proceeds to attire herself in a leather corset, complete with whip, chains, and ballgag. She heads to the pantry and grabs a bottle of whipped cream and some Tabasco sauce. The woman then reenters the bedroom to see the man putting on his coat about to walk out the door. The woman exclaims, "What's the matter? I thought you were kinky!" to which the man replied, "Lady, I just fucked your dog and shit in your purse, I'm done here."


NEXT!

BTW, my wife didn't laugh as much as I did to this joke...Suprise!
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« Reply #6 on: August 27, 2012, 05:51:36 AM »

A kid comes home from school and says to his mom, "Mom I've got a problem."
She says "Tell me." He tells her that the boys at school are using 2 words he doesn't understand. She asks him what they are.
He says "well, pussy and bitch".
She says "Oh That's no big deal, pussy is a cat like our little Mittens, and bitch is a female dog like our Sandy."
He thanks her and goes to visit dad in the workshop in the basement.
He says to his dad, "Dad the boys at school are using words I don't know, and I asked mom and I don't think she told me the exact meaning.
Dad says "Son, I told you never to go to mom with these matters, she cant handle them. What are the words?"
He tells him...pussy and bitch.
Dad says "OK" and pulls a Playboy down from the shelf, takes a marker and circles the pubic area of the centerfold and says, "son, everything inside this circle, is pussy."
"OK dad, so what's a bitch?"
"Son" he says, "everything outside that circle."
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« Reply #7 on: August 27, 2012, 11:16:18 PM »

A businessman goes to Japan for the first time ever on a sales trip making a pitch to some Japanese executives.  He had heard about women of the  orient so his first night there he hires a lady of the evening.  While they are getting down to business, she keeps yelling "Ashi! Ashi!".  This is awesome for this man, because he this lady is clearly loving what he is giving her.

Next day, he is on the golf course with his prospective clients.  One of them hits a hole in one.  Wanting to impress them with his knowledge of Japanese, he screams "Ashi! Ashi!"  The clients look at him in a confused manner.  The gentleman who hit the hole-in-one then asks him angrily,
Spoiler for Hiden:
"What do you mean wrong hole?"
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Knightshade Dragon
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« Reply #8 on: September 01, 2012, 08:14:37 PM »

What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat? 
Spoiler for Hiden:
The Wheelchair.
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« Reply #9 on: September 01, 2012, 09:21:22 PM »

Three couples—one elderly, one middle-aged, one young and newly wed—apply for membership in a church. The pastor informs them that the requirement for new parishioners is that they abstain from sex for two weeks. The couples agree and go their separate ways.

After two weeks, they return. The pastor asks the elderly pair if they were able to abstain for two weeks. "No problem at all, Pastor," replies the old man.

"Congratulations!" says the pastor. "Welcome to the church." He turns to the middle-aged couple and asks if they were able to abstain for two weeks. "It was difficult," replies the husband. "By the end of the second week, I had to sleep on the couch, but we did it."

"Congratulations on overcoming temptation," says the pastor. "Welcome to the church." He then turns to the newlyweds and asks if they were able to abstain for two weeks.

"At first it was no problem," says the husband. "But one day my wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf, and she dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."

"You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church," says the pastor.

"We know," says the young man. "We’re not welcome at the supermarket anymore either."
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« Reply #10 on: September 01, 2012, 09:31:39 PM »

Knock knock.
who's there?
Heineken
Heineken who?
Spoiler for Hiden:
if her pussy can't hold it her Heineken.
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« Reply #11 on: September 01, 2012, 11:08:02 PM »

A bus full of nuns crashes and unforunatly they all die
at the gates of heaven they meet St Peter

he asks the first nun "have you ever had any contact with a penis. the nun replies "i poked one once" St Peter says "wash your finger in this holy water and enter heaven"

he asks the next nun the same question, she replies "i findled with one once". "wash ur hand in this holy water and enter heaven"

then St Peter hears a commotion among the other nuns and one nun pushes to the front

"whats wrong?" he asks

the nun replies "if im going to have to gargle that holy water, i want to do it before Sister Anne washes her ass in it"
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« Reply #12 on: September 01, 2012, 11:22:34 PM »

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.

She looked down. and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device … a dildo! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic. “You impotent bastard,” She screamed at him, “How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!”

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: “I’ll explain the toy … you explain the kids.”
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« Reply #13 on: September 01, 2012, 11:27:10 PM »

One day in the forest, 3 guys were hiking along a trail when they were suddenly attacked by a huge pack of Indians and knocked out.

When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe's throne.

The chief says to them, "All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of the same fruit and bring them back to me."

The men run into the forest to find the items that will save their lives.  After a while the first man returns with 10 apples. The chief then orders him to stick all ten of them in his ass and to not make any expression whatsoever while doing it. He has a little bit of trouble with the first one but the pain is too much and starts crying while trying to put the next one in. He was killed immediately.

The next man returns carrying 10 grapes. The chief orders him to perform the same task as the first man. The second man succeeds in inserting nine grapes.  As he starts to reach for the tenth and final grape the man is overcome with laughter. He is also killed.

The first two guys meet again in heaven.  The first guy asks the second, "What happened to you?  You only needed one more grape and you'd have been freed!"

The second guy starts laughing again at the memory.  Between the gasps he says, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples."
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« Reply #14 on: September 08, 2012, 01:22:29 AM »

a new one from the local radio station

What's gray and comes in pints?

Spoiler for Hiden:
an elephant
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« Reply #15 on: September 08, 2012, 09:59:25 PM »

That one is good.  I was a fan of the first one too...
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