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Author Topic: Relationship question #3421  (Read 4054 times)
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The Grue
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« Reply #40 on: May 16, 2008, 06:47:02 PM »

Quote from: Zekester on May 16, 2008, 05:33:06 PM

Maybe.

But those of you not in this situation, think hard about whether you could take being shoved aside by your wife (or husband) for weeks at a time. Remember...this even includes lack of sex, too.

My wife has been in Minnesota for 1.5 months for my daughter's surgery and recovery.  My thoughts the entire time were never about me.  She comes back today, though which is good.
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Zekester
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« Reply #41 on: May 16, 2008, 06:57:03 PM »

Quote from: JayDee on May 16, 2008, 06:46:43 PM

Quote from: Zekester on May 16, 2008, 06:43:30 PM

Quote
You're making me wish I knew your girlfriend so that my wife and I could be there for her.

Now you're being unreasonable. I HAVE been there for her for months now. Just once in awhile I need HER to be there for me.

One day? One day for us it too much to ask?

Like I said, her mother isn't helpless. She's still fairly active.

But her mom is dying. Who cares how active she is? Does her being active lessen the impact that your g/f won't have her mother around sometime in the not-too-distant future?

The point was that, for the entire day on Mothers Day she couldn't even think about my mother enough for a whole 10 seconds  to remind her son to call her? I know how she spent the day......cooking, laundry, some time on her computer, watching tv. Nowhere in there she couldn't think about my mother on Mothers Day? She certainly wasn't spending the day caring for her mother.

This all gets back to my original point.......that this has been taking its toll on our relationship, and I needed to know if you all thought I was being unreasonable in expecting her to set aside one day, not just for "me", but for "us" too.
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« Reply #42 on: May 16, 2008, 06:58:27 PM »

Quote from: Zekester on May 16, 2008, 06:57:03 PM


The point was that, for the entire day on Mothers Day she couldn't even think about my mother enough for a whole 10 seconds  to remind her son to call her?

You're shitting us right?
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« Reply #43 on: May 16, 2008, 06:58:42 PM »

Quote from: The Grue on May 16, 2008, 06:47:02 PM

Quote from: Zekester on May 16, 2008, 05:33:06 PM

Maybe.

But those of you not in this situation, think hard about whether you could take being shoved aside by your wife (or husband) for weeks at a time. Remember...this even includes lack of sex, too.

My wife has been in Minnesota for 1.5 months for my daughter's surgery and recovery.  My thoughts the entire time were never about me.  She comes back today, though which is good.

My thoughts wouldn't be either.

Apples and oranges here.

Quote
You're shitting us right?

Elaborate.
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« Reply #44 on: May 16, 2008, 07:05:19 PM »

Quote from: Zekester on May 16, 2008, 06:43:30 PM


Now you're being unreasonable. I HAVE been there for her for months now. Just once in awhile I need HER to be there for me.

One day? One day for us it too much to ask?

Why yes, yes it is.  Do you have any idea the guilt that your girlfriend would go through if her mother were to die while she was getting your rocks off?  I mean, come on, man.  You asked for the opinions, and it's a fairly universal consensus that you're being a selfish ass.

Quote from: Zekester on May 16, 2008, 06:43:30 PM

Like I said, her mother isn't helpless. She's still fairly active.

I don't see how that matters.  SHE.IS.DYING.  Are you seriously that self-centered that you can't get over yourself for a minute and let her spend the last few days/months she has left with her mother?  Couples put themselves aside for YEARS while the other deals with catastrophic events.  Maybe this is news to you, but losing a parent usually falls under the catastrophic category to their children.
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« Reply #45 on: May 16, 2008, 07:05:41 PM »

Quote from: Zekester on May 16, 2008, 06:58:42 PM

Quote from: The Grue on May 16, 2008, 06:47:02 PM

Quote from: Zekester on May 16, 2008, 05:33:06 PM

Maybe.

But those of you not in this situation, think hard about whether you could take being shoved aside by your wife (or husband) for weeks at a time. Remember...this even includes lack of sex, too.

My wife has been in Minnesota for 1.5 months for my daughter's surgery and recovery.  My thoughts the entire time were never about me.  She comes back today, though which is good.

My thoughts wouldn't be either.

Apples and oranges here.

Quote
You're shitting us right?

Elaborate.

Are you complaining that she didn't remind you to call your mother on Mother's Day?
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Zekester
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« Reply #46 on: May 16, 2008, 07:05:54 PM »

Where did your message go, ATB?

I'm seeing a couple messages here already that are being deleted seconds after posting them.

Wimps  icon_razz
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« Reply #47 on: May 16, 2008, 07:06:27 PM »

Quote from: Austin on May 16, 2008, 06:58:27 PM

Quote from: Zekester on May 16, 2008, 06:57:03 PM


The point was that, for the entire day on Mothers Day she couldn't even think about my mother enough for a whole 10 seconds  to remind her son to call her?

You're shitting us right?

Sooo, is this your first Zekester thread?
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« Reply #48 on: May 16, 2008, 07:07:18 PM »

Quote from: Zekester on May 16, 2008, 07:05:54 PM

Where did your message go, ATB?

I'm seeing a couple messages here already that are being deleted seconds after posting them.

Wimps  icon_razz

Well, I figure you're getting enough snark. My additional snark contributed nothing to the thread.

SEE! I'm learning Kevin Grey! slywink
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« Reply #49 on: May 16, 2008, 07:07:23 PM »

Quote from: Zekester on May 16, 2008, 06:58:42 PM

Quote from: The Grue on May 16, 2008, 06:47:02 PM


My wife has been in Minnesota for 1.5 months for my daughter's surgery and recovery.  My thoughts the entire time were never about me.  She comes back today, though which is good.

My thoughts wouldn't be either.

Apples and oranges here.


Well, you were asking how we'd feel if shoved aside by our wives for weeks and no sex.   Well, that was my situation, though I will agree it was a little different since I have a vested interest in my daughter, where you don't for her mom.  However, I wouldn't blink an eye if she ran off to Texas for the same time to deal with her mother, either.
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Zekester
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« Reply #50 on: May 16, 2008, 07:07:36 PM »

Quote from: rickfc on May 16, 2008, 07:05:19 PM

Quote from: Zekester on May 16, 2008, 06:43:30 PM


Now you're being unreasonable. I HAVE been there for her for months now. Just once in awhile I need HER to be there for me.

One day? One day for us it too much to ask?

Why yes, yes it is.  Do you have any idea the guilt that your girlfriend would go through if her mother were to die while she was getting your rocks off?  I mean, come on, man.  You asked for the opinions, and it's a fairly universal consensus that you're being a selfish ass.

Quote from: Zekester on May 16, 2008, 06:43:30 PM

Like I said, her mother isn't helpless. She's still fairly active.

I don't see how that matters.  SHE.IS.DYING.  Are you seriously that self-centered that you can't get over yourself for a minute and let her spend the last few days/months she has left with her mother?  Couples put themselves aside for YEARS while the other deals with catastrophic events.  Maybe this is news to you, but losing a parent usually falls under the catastrophic category to their children.

Now you're prodding me with hidden insults.

Yes, it DOES matter, ya nitwit. Because you see....WE ARE ALL DYING!
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« Reply #51 on: May 16, 2008, 07:08:04 PM »

Quote from: Freezer-TPF- on May 16, 2008, 07:06:27 PM

Quote from: Austin on May 16, 2008, 06:58:27 PM

Quote from: Zekester on May 16, 2008, 06:57:03 PM


The point was that, for the entire day on Mothers Day she couldn't even think about my mother enough for a whole 10 seconds  to remind her son to call her?

You're shitting us right?

Sooo, is this your first Zekester thread?

Threatening teenagers while making photoshopped copies of inspection stickers and... wait, what?  No, it's not.
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« Reply #52 on: May 16, 2008, 07:09:12 PM »

Quote from: The Grue on May 16, 2008, 07:07:23 PM

shoved aside by our wives for weeks and no sex. 

Ain't a married man here who will make the claim they haven't experienced that.  disgust
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« Reply #53 on: May 16, 2008, 07:10:05 PM »

Quote
Are you complaining that she didn't remind you to call your mother on Mother's Day?

Umm, no......i'm complaining that she didn't think about MY mother for even 10 seconds enough to remind her son to call her and wish her a Happy Mothers Day.
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« Reply #54 on: May 16, 2008, 07:11:51 PM »

Quote from: ATB on May 16, 2008, 07:09:12 PM

Quote from: The Grue on May 16, 2008, 07:07:23 PM

shoved aside by our wives for weeks and no sex. 

Ain't a married man here who will make the claim they haven't experienced that.  disgust
Um, I'm pretty sure there are.
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Zekester
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« Reply #55 on: May 16, 2008, 07:12:19 PM »

Word
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« Reply #56 on: May 16, 2008, 07:12:26 PM »

Quote from: Zekester on May 16, 2008, 07:10:05 PM

Quote
Are you complaining that she didn't remind you to call your mother on Mother's Day?

Umm, no......i'm complaining that she didn't think about MY mother for even 10 seconds enough to remind her son to call her and wish her a Happy Mothers Day.

'her son' is not your mom's son then I guess.  I missed where the GF's son fit into this.  So  her son is supposed to take an interest in your healthy mother - how much interest are you taking in her dying mother?  Why can' you go hang out with her at her mom's and play Scrabble or something? 
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« Reply #57 on: May 16, 2008, 07:15:53 PM »

Quote from: Zekester on May 16, 2008, 07:07:36 PM


Now you're prodding me with hidden insults. .

No, I think the insults were pretty much out in the open.

Quote from: Zekester on May 16, 2008, 07:07:36 PM


Yes, it DOES matter, ya nitwit. Because you see....WE ARE ALL DYING!


Werd.  However, unlike her mother, you are in relatively good health, nitwit.  slywink
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« Reply #58 on: May 16, 2008, 07:16:02 PM »

Quote from: Austin on May 16, 2008, 07:12:26 PM

Quote from: Zekester on May 16, 2008, 07:10:05 PM

Quote
Are you complaining that she didn't remind you to call your mother on Mother's Day?

Umm, no......i'm complaining that she didn't think about MY mother for even 10 seconds enough to remind her son to call her and wish her a Happy Mothers Day.

'her son' is not your mom's son then I guess.  I missed where the GF's son fit into this.  So  her son is supposed to take an interest in your healthy mother - how much interest are you taking in her dying mother?  Why can' you go hang out with her at her mom's and play Scrabble or something? 

I HAVE BEEN HANGING OUT THERE WITH HER AND HER MOTHER FOR MONTHS NOW.  mad

My mother has been great to both my girlfriend and her son.....she gives money to both of them, goes to his games, and does all the things a grandmother would do.

Damn right he should have called her, especially considering that i've been the only dad that he has had over the past almost 4 yrs after his real dad walked out on him.

Edit: too many typos
« Last Edit: May 16, 2008, 07:18:15 PM by Zekester » Logged

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« Reply #59 on: May 16, 2008, 07:19:40 PM »

Quote from: Zekester on May 16, 2008, 04:10:11 PM

My girlfriend's mother lives with her and her health has gotten much worse over the last couple months.
She has pulled away from me to spend more time with her mpther because she wants to spend as much time with her as she can before she dies.

This has taken it's toll on our relationship. I've been trying to deal with it, but every couple weeks I implode.

My question is, should I leave her be altogether until her mother goes? Also, what might expect from her once her mother dies.....will she likely pull me back in closer, or will she want her new freedom even more?
I haven't read any of the replies to this, and don't know you at all,  But -   WOW - this came across as being just horibly selfish.
None of this is about you, and if you aren't seeing that, you are not going to be good for her - and she'll want her new freedom even more.
Sorry - I really don't mean to come across as an ass or anything - but, this just read really selfish.  Her mother is dying - and you want to know if you should take actions against your relationship with her because this new interest in her mother is troubling you.  Wow.
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« Reply #60 on: May 16, 2008, 07:20:39 PM »

Quote from: rickfc on May 16, 2008, 07:15:53 PM

Quote from: Zekester on May 16, 2008, 07:07:36 PM


Now you're prodding me with hidden insults. .

No, I think the insults were pretty much out in the open.

Quote from: Zekester on May 16, 2008, 07:07:36 PM


Yes, it DOES matter, ya nitwit. Because you see....WE ARE ALL DYING!


Werd.  However, unlike her mother, you are in relatively good health, nitwit.  slywink

Oh, I missed the memo we all got on when exactly the special attention for someone dying is supposed to start.

Since we're all dying, is that time to start....months? years? Fill me in, please.
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« Reply #61 on: May 16, 2008, 07:21:30 PM »

Quote from: Zekester on May 16, 2008, 06:34:56 PM

Her son has a new grandmother that cares about him.

Does she normally have her son call his other grandparents on Mothers Day (as opposed to on Grandparents' Day)?  If so, then I can see maybe getting a bit wound up over this.

But I have to admit that I don't see how it's his (or his mother's) *duty* to do something like this.  Would it have been nice?  Certainly.  Should it be expected?  No.
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« Reply #62 on: May 16, 2008, 07:24:20 PM »

Quote from: Shinjin on May 16, 2008, 07:21:30 PM

Quote from: Zekester on May 16, 2008, 06:34:56 PM

Her son has a new grandmother that cares about him.

Does she normally have her son call his other grandparents on Mothers Day (as opposed to on Grandparents' Day)?  If so, then I can see maybe getting a bit wound up over this.

But I have to admit that I don't see how it's his (or his mother's) *duty* to do something like this.  Would it have been nice?  Certainly.  Should it be expected?  No.

Yes, he does normally call her for holidays. Well, I mean, she reminds him to call. He is a teenager, afterall  icon_razz

And ya, I agree that it's not to be 'expected'  My point was that this was another example, though, on how there's a toll being placed on the relationship here.
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« Reply #63 on: May 16, 2008, 07:26:04 PM »

Quote from: The Meal on May 16, 2008, 07:11:51 PM

Quote from: ATB on May 16, 2008, 07:09:12 PM

Quote from: The Grue on May 16, 2008, 07:07:23 PM

shoved aside by our wives for weeks and no sex. 

Ain't a married man here who will make the claim they haven't experienced that.  disgust
Um, I'm pretty sure there are.

Yes. THose men are called liars.   ninja
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« Reply #64 on: May 16, 2008, 07:26:09 PM »

Ok, I have to head out to watch another of his rugby games (great fun, I might add!)

So you all have your way cuttin' me down now  Tongue
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« Reply #65 on: May 16, 2008, 07:26:29 PM »

Quote from: Zekester on May 16, 2008, 07:20:39 PM


Oh, I missed the memo we all got on when exactly the special attention for someone dying is supposed to start.

Since we're all dying, is that time to start....months? years? Fill me in, please.

Well, let's see...you didn't make it clear in your OP how long your GF had been focusing on her mother rather than you.  You also didn't make it clear how long her mother has been sick, or how long her prognosis says she has left.  When you say that her mother is dying, it's pretty safe to say that most people assumed she has a few months at best.

That being said, if my wife got a phone call that her mother was dying, but had no specific 'time-frame', I wouldn't have a hissy-fit if she blew me off for months or years.  Of course, she's my wife.  You have invested a lot of time in your relationship, not only with her, but with her son as well.  Unless she's not "the one", then maybe you should move on for their sake rather than yours.  If she is "the one", then man-up and strap in for the long haul.
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« Reply #66 on: May 16, 2008, 07:32:30 PM »

I finally realized the purpose of this thread:
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« Reply #67 on: May 16, 2008, 07:44:17 PM »

Quote from: ATB on May 16, 2008, 07:26:04 PM

Quote from: The Meal on May 16, 2008, 07:11:51 PM

Quote from: ATB on May 16, 2008, 07:09:12 PM

Quote from: The Grue on May 16, 2008, 07:07:23 PM

shoved aside by our wives for weeks and no sex. 
Ain't a married man here who will make the claim they haven't experienced that.  disgust
Um, I'm pretty sure there are.
Yes. THose men are called liars.   ninja
That's not a judgement I'd rush to.

Quote from: Zekester on May 16, 2008, 07:26:09 PM

So you all have your way cuttin' me down now  Tongue
Careful with your absolutes.
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« Reply #68 on: May 16, 2008, 07:55:10 PM »

Quote from: The Meal on May 16, 2008, 07:44:17 PM

Quote from: ATB on May 16, 2008, 07:26:04 PM

Quote from: The Meal on May 16, 2008, 07:11:51 PM

Quote from: ATB on May 16, 2008, 07:09:12 PM

Quote from: The Grue on May 16, 2008, 07:07:23 PM

shoved aside by our wives for weeks and no sex. 
Ain't a married man here who will make the claim they haven't experienced that.  disgust
Um, I'm pretty sure there are.
Yes. THose men are called liars.   ninja
That's not a judgement I'd rush to.

Yeah, some of you have gone years.
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« Reply #69 on: May 16, 2008, 09:45:55 PM »

Quote from: Zekester on May 16, 2008, 07:24:20 PM

And ya, I agree that it's not to be 'expected'  My point was that this was another example, though, on how there's a toll being placed on the relationship here.

Of course there's a toll, it's an incredibly tough situation for her to be in.  IMO, if you truly love your GF and are truly committed to her, then it's one that you'll gladly pay without ever thinking twice about it.  Just get it in your head that you'll be taking a back seat for a while, and let her know you're there for her anytime and in any way that she needs you.

Yes, it sucks to feel lonely and not get laid, but I'm pretty sure these aren't life threatening problems. 
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« Reply #70 on: May 17, 2008, 12:18:22 AM »

Quote from: Gratch on May 16, 2008, 09:45:55 PM


Of course there's a toll, it's an incredibly tough situation for her to be in.  IMO, if you truly love your GF and are truly committed to her, then it's one that you'll gladly pay without ever thinking twice about it.  Just get it in your head that you'll be taking a back seat for a while, and let her know you're there for her anytime and in any way that she needs you.

Yes, it sucks to feel lonely and not get laid, but I'm pretty sure these aren't life threatening problems. 

Not only that, but once this whole ordeal is over, I'm sure you'll be paid tenfold for your patience.
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« Reply #71 on: May 17, 2008, 02:03:18 AM »

And if you were ever in a predicament, you know she wouldn't ditch you for some attention elsewhere.

Perhaps another issue why you don't understand her thoughts on the matter is that your relationship to your family, could have been different.  It's obvious she was close to her mother, and family in general if it takes so much out of her to see her mom dying.  It may be hard for someone to understand if they hadn't felt the same.  I know I often have difficulties relating to how close some others are with family since I was never close with mine, but I do understand if others are.

And if you're looking for a good self-motivated reasoning to stick by her side.  The "thanks for being there" sex is good, and she may need lots of it.
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« Reply #72 on: May 17, 2008, 02:09:23 AM »

Quote
Careful with your absolutes.

Absolutely no absolutes meant  icon_wink
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« Reply #73 on: May 17, 2008, 02:19:07 AM »

Quote from: Zekester on May 16, 2008, 07:16:02 PM

Damn right he should have called her, especially considering that i've been the only dad that he has had over the past almost 4 yrs after his real dad walked out on him.

So WTF didn't YOU remind him to call your mother? Dear god you are ridiculously self-absorbed.
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« Reply #74 on: May 17, 2008, 02:26:58 AM »

Funny......I don't remember seeing you posting anything other than about yourself around here, so cast your stones elsewhere.

Matter of fact....just that you could make a comment like that makes you pretty self absorbed, now don't it?
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« Reply #75 on: May 17, 2008, 03:58:54 AM »

ok I might offer some advice.  Here is what you could do.  If you want to spend some time with her then have a date night.  Call her up and make some plans.  Tell her it has been awhile since you have really been a couple in the relationship because she has been focused on her mom (and understandably so).  Offer it as a break from caring for her Mother who you posted earlier isn't stuck in bed and can still do some things for herself. It might be what you both need! 

I am sure that it is hard to take care of a loved one who is dying.  You really focus in on the sense of urgency of wanting to spend every second you can with that person.  I mean, she is her MOM.  Sometimes it is easy to get so tunnel visioned you forget about the others you love.  Just because she is spending time with her mom doesn't mean that she doesn't have a strong relationship with you.  I mean she is trying to balance a dying mom and a kid.....neither of which is easy.  Try and give her the support she needs to get through this tough time.

As for the issue of mother's day.....don't worry about it.   I know you feel strongly that he should have called your mom which is fine; you also have to realize that her son is in a difficult place too.  He is probably just like you, wanting attention and probably not getting much of it himself.  If you really love your GF maybe you could help her by distracting him.  Take him to a movie or to a park or whatever. 

I won't say you are self-absorbed (after all I only know what you have posted) but try and be flexible with her in this tough time.  If things don't work out then you need to do what is best for you.  If you want things to work out then you need to think about the situation she is in. 
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« Reply #76 on: May 17, 2008, 04:01:06 AM »

Quote from: papasmurff on May 17, 2008, 03:58:54 AM

I am sure that it is hard to take care of a loved one who is dying. 

No, remember he said everyone is dying so it shouldn't be any different than any other person.
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RobbieD
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« Reply #77 on: May 17, 2008, 04:10:38 AM »

I guess I must have been a horrible grandson because I never once called my grandmothers on Mother's Day. I did however make or buy something for my mother who would also do the same for her mother and my dad would do something for his mother. My sister probably thinks I'm a jerk because I didn't call her on Mother's Day although even though they are really young her two little boys, with a little help from their dad, made a card for her.

I can't for the life of me figure out why the son of a girlfriend would be expected to call someone they maybe think of as a grandmother on Mother's Day. Is he expected to do something for you on Father's Day?
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papasmurff
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« Reply #78 on: May 17, 2008, 04:15:21 AM »

Quote from: The Grue on May 17, 2008, 04:01:06 AM

Quote from: papasmurff on May 17, 2008, 03:58:54 AM

I am sure that it is hard to take care of a loved one who is dying. 

No, remember he said everyone is dying so it shouldn't be any different than any other person.

The arguement of everyone is dying is not the point and merely baiting.

My post was intended to help answer the OP.  None of us can answer this question except the OP.  

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My question is, should I leave her be altogether until her mother goes? Also, what might expect from her once her mother dies.....will she likely pull me back in closer, or will she want her new freedom even more?
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Zekester
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« Reply #79 on: May 17, 2008, 04:59:14 AM »

Now listen up kiddies*........how to make respectful, constructive posts 101, by papasmurff 
Now imagine if everyone on an internet forum posted like papasmurff did.

Thanks, man  thumbsup

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Is he expected to do something for you on Father's Day?

I don't expect him too, but he has for the past 3yrs.

*not absolute
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