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Author Topic: Relationship question #3421  (Read 4033 times)
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Zekester
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« on: May 16, 2008, 04:10:11 PM »

My girlfriend's mother lives with her and her health has gotten much worse over the last couple months.
She has pulled away from me to spend more time with her mpther because she wants to spend as much time with her as she can before she dies.

This has taken it's toll on our relationship. I've been trying to deal with it, but every couple weeks I implode.

My question is, should I leave her be altogether until her mother goes? Also, what might expect from her once her mother dies.....will she likely pull me back in closer, or will she want her new freedom even more?
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rickfc
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« Reply #1 on: May 16, 2008, 04:18:55 PM »

Personally, I think that dumping her while her mother is possibly dying is probably the most dick-ish think you could ever do to someone.  Put yourself in her shoes and ask yourself how you'd feel if she dumped you were you in her situation?  When her mother passes, she's not going to be thinking about her 'freedom'  She's going to need someone there to support her and be there for her while she grieves.

I understand that you're going through a rough time yourself not getting much of her attention, but think about it: her mother is dying.  Ultimately, the decision rests on you, but you asked for advice.  biggrin
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Kevin Grey
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« Reply #2 on: May 16, 2008, 04:22:15 PM »

I agree with Rick.  Maybe I'm misreading it but it sounds egotistical to me to be complaining about not getting enough attention during what must be an awful time for her.  It seems to me that if you truly cared for her then you would be available in whatever capacity she needs you to be. 
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The Grue
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« Reply #3 on: May 16, 2008, 04:26:58 PM »

Quote from: rickfc on May 16, 2008, 04:18:55 PM

Personally, I think that dumping her while her mother is possibly dying is probably the most dick-ish think you could ever do to someone.  Put yourself in her shoes and ask yourself how you'd feel if she dumped you were you in her situation?  When her mother passes, she's not going to be thinking about her 'freedom'  She's going to need someone there to support her and be there for her while she grieves.

I understand that you're going through a rough time yourself not getting much of her attention, but think about it: her mother is dying.  Ultimately, the decision rests on you, but you asked for advice.  biggrin

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Jaddison
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« Reply #4 on: May 16, 2008, 04:30:52 PM »

If her needs are important to you then why wouldn't you try and be understanding and supportive of her needs in what is a difficult time.  I f you force her into making a choice between her dying mom and your relationship, she will make one alright.

If you care for this woman you should care for her through all the challenges that life throws at you both.

However if you think you are incapable of not blowing up every couple of weeks then maybe you should let her go or have the discussion about putting the relationship on hold until this thing with her mom is over. 

Base on your note however it makes you seem very self-centered and selfish.....note i said seems, i have no idea what is really in your heart.
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wonderpug
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« Reply #5 on: May 16, 2008, 04:34:23 PM »

Quote from: Zekester on May 16, 2008, 04:10:11 PM

This has taken it's toll on our relationship. I've been trying to deal with it, but every couple weeks I implode.

Can you expand on how it's taking a toll, how you've been dealing, and what pushes you to implode?  Because right now it sounds like you're out front honking your horn because she's going to make you late for Iron Man while she's inside making soup for her dying mother.
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rickfc
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« Reply #6 on: May 16, 2008, 04:34:59 PM »

Quote from: wonderpug on May 16, 2008, 04:34:23 PM


Can you expand on how it's taking a toll, how you've been dealing, and what pushes you to implode?  Because right now it sounds like you're out front honking your horn because she's going to make you late for Iron Man while she's inside making soup for her dying mother.

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NetGuy
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« Reply #7 on: May 16, 2008, 04:47:49 PM »

I agree with the "we need more information" crowd

Because from what you've written so far, you're coming across as self-centered, co-dependent and needy here.  Isn't that the girl's role? slywink

But seriously, this situation isn't about you.  Try to see that. 

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Calvin
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« Reply #8 on: May 16, 2008, 04:57:51 PM »

We need more information, but my gut reaction is: do you love her and see a future or not? If yes, then stop whining, man up, and love your woman and support her while her mother is dying. Dear lord, how hard a choice can this be?

If not, then allow her to be distant, don't stress, and try to let the relationship fall away during this time without breaking her heart.
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Zekester
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« Reply #9 on: May 16, 2008, 05:08:18 PM »

I'm fine with the opinions already....I didn't ask for anyone to agree with me  icon_wink

Quote
Can you expand on how it's taking a toll, how you've been dealing, and what pushes you to implode?  Because right now it sounds like you're out front honking your horn because she's going to make you late for Iron Man while she's inside making soup for her dying mother.

Well, let's see.... I'm good at pushing myself aside, but only for short periods at a time. I can take being put on the back burner for about a couple weeks, then I have a day where I really do need her attention. But when I get like that, she usually makes me feel like i'm being selfish and whiny. And what usually follows is a fight. But come on.......I think one day of attention is fair after giving up weeks of unselfishness. Yes? No?

Then I wonder if i'm just gong to be the shoulder she cries on when her mother goes, only to be discarded when she has the new-found freedom. Right now her mother is very demanding of her.

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Kevin Grey
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« Reply #10 on: May 16, 2008, 05:09:33 PM »

Quote from: Zekester on May 16, 2008, 05:08:18 PM

I think one day of attention is fair after giving up weeks of unselfishness. Yes? No?

No. 
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Austin
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« Reply #11 on: May 16, 2008, 05:14:31 PM »

Give.

Develop a bit of a relationship with her mother and help her out from time to time.  Spend time with the GF while she is helping her mother by helping her mother also.  You'll grow together as a couple, develop love and support and you'll feel great about going out of your way to be awesome.

That's one to grow on, Sha la la la.
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kratz
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« Reply #12 on: May 16, 2008, 05:30:01 PM »

Quote from: Zekester on May 16, 2008, 05:08:18 PM

But when I get like that, she usually makes me feel like i'm being selfish and whiny.

Then you probably are.
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Zekester
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« Reply #13 on: May 16, 2008, 05:33:06 PM »

Maybe.

But those of you not in this situation, think hard about whether you could take being shoved aside by your wife (or husband) for weeks at a time. Remember...this even includes lack of sex, too.
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gellar
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« Reply #14 on: May 16, 2008, 05:33:52 PM »

Unless you've been together for a significant number of years, expecting to be the #1 priority in another adult's life typically leads to disappointment.  He or she has other, stronger relationships that are more important.

Just because you are boning does not make you #1 priority.

gellar
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Zekester
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« Reply #15 on: May 16, 2008, 05:36:02 PM »

We have been together for 3yrs 8months
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« Reply #16 on: May 16, 2008, 05:36:26 PM »

Quote from: Zekester on May 16, 2008, 05:33:06 PM

Maybe.

But those of you not in this situation, think hard about whether you could take being shoved aside by your wife (or husband) for weeks at a time. Remember...this even includes lack of sex, too.

But. Her mom. is. dying.
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kratz
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« Reply #17 on: May 16, 2008, 05:37:01 PM »

Quote from: Zekester on May 16, 2008, 05:33:06 PM

this even includes lack of sex, too.

And now we come to it...
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Orpheo
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« Reply #18 on: May 16, 2008, 05:40:57 PM »

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Shinjin
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« Reply #19 on: May 16, 2008, 05:42:20 PM »

Quote from: Zekester on May 16, 2008, 05:33:06 PM

this even includes lack of sex, too.

Talk to the hand.  Problem solved.
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gellar
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« Reply #20 on: May 16, 2008, 05:45:13 PM »

Quote from: Zekester on May 16, 2008, 05:36:02 PM

We have been together for 3yrs 8months

And you're how old?  If it's around 40, that's less than 10% of your life.

At the end of the day, we all make choices about how we prioritize our lives.  She's made hers (and it's the same choice most of society would make).  You have to make yours.  Either deal with it, or don't.

gellar
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Jaddison
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« Reply #21 on: May 16, 2008, 05:48:41 PM »

You are complaining about lack of sex after two weeks when you know it is a very special situation and involves the looming death of a parent.  You don't feel a little bit more secure after almost 4 years with her?  Why would she ditch you for new found freedom after 4 years.....unless your need for attention in spite of the tough time she is going through drives her to that.
If you try and hold on too tightly you are going to find tha tit is impossible to hold on at all
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Orpheo
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« Reply #22 on: May 16, 2008, 05:50:44 PM »

Quote from: Jaddison on May 16, 2008, 05:48:41 PM

If you try and hold on too tightly you are going to find tha tit is impossible to hold on at all

Truly.
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NetGuy
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« Reply #23 on: May 16, 2008, 05:55:57 PM »

I'm sure it's difficult for both of you, but personally I think I'd man up and deal with the sitation.  She's going one of the absolute worst parts of life right now, and I know I'd be understanding that she couldn't focus on my relatively insignficant desires for a while, even if it'sa months long process.

Like I said before, this isn't about you.  

But if you truely need the attention... well you're screwed.  Unless you're comfortable being eveil.  Because, you can't break-up with her while she's going through this *without* being an evil bastard.  frown

Tough situation.  

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Kevin Grey
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« Reply #24 on: May 16, 2008, 05:57:25 PM »

Quote from: Zekester on May 16, 2008, 05:33:06 PM

Maybe.

But those of you not in this situation, think hard about whether you could take being shoved aside by your wife (or husband) for weeks at a time. Remember...this even includes lack of sex, too.

What do you want?  Her to lie there passively why you get your rocks off?  Or perhaps she should fake some moans to better create the illusion for you?  Do you want her to pretend to be interested in your day at work while all she can think about is losing a parent? 
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NetGuy
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« Reply #25 on: May 16, 2008, 05:57:51 PM »

Quote from: Jaddison on May 16, 2008, 05:48:41 PM

You are complaining about lack of sex after two weeks when you know it is a very special situation and involves the looming death of a parent.  You don't feel a little bit more secure after almost 4 years with her?  Why would she ditch you for new found freedom after 4 years.....unless your need for attention in spite of the tough time she is going through drives her to that.
If you try and hold on too tightly you are going to find tha tit is impossible to hold on at all

But hey, if it comes to that maybe I can hook you up for some of my emotionally needy ex-girlfriends who I ditched for that exact reason.  smile smile
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Zekester
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« Reply #26 on: May 16, 2008, 05:59:22 PM »

Quote from: NetGuy on May 16, 2008, 05:57:51 PM

Quote from: Jaddison on May 16, 2008, 05:48:41 PM

You are complaining about lack of sex after two weeks when you know it is a very special situation and involves the looming death of a parent.  You don't feel a little bit more secure after almost 4 years with her?  Why would she ditch you for new found freedom after 4 years.....unless your need for attention in spite of the tough time she is going through drives her to that.
If you try and hold on too tightly you are going to find tha tit is impossible to hold on at all

But hey, if it comes to that maybe I can hook you up for some of my emotionally needy ex-girlfriends who I ditched for that exact reason.  smile smile

And i'm the cold bastard?  Tongue
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Zekester
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« Reply #27 on: May 16, 2008, 06:03:49 PM »

Quote
I'm sure it's difficult for both of you, but personally I think I'd man up and deal with the sitation.  She's going one of the absolute worst parts of life right now, and I know I'd be understanding that she couldn't focus on my relatively insignficant desires for a while, even if it'sa months long process.

Well, now see......there's another thing I didn't mention: that this has been going on for months now. Or did I mention that? I dunno, I can't see my first post.

Anyway.....I get what most of you are saying. I'm not sure I buy the fact that you all would handle something like this any better, but I got the opinions I asked for and I will use them to change how i'm thinking about it.

Thanks.

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wonderpug
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« Reply #28 on: May 16, 2008, 06:23:03 PM »

Quote from: Zekester on May 16, 2008, 06:03:49 PM

Anyway.....I get what most of you are saying. I'm not sure I buy the fact that you all would handle something like this any better,

Then I'm changing my vote to "get out of the relationship."  If you have a hard time even believing that other people would endure a few measly months of hard times after nearly 4 years together, I--

Ok, trying not to be be mean, but come on now.  The "for worse" in "for better or for worse" is in wedding vows for a reason.  As hard as it may be for you to believe, people really do set themselves aside for weeks, months, or years when their significant others are going through a rough time.  Really.
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Zekester
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« Reply #29 on: May 16, 2008, 06:31:47 PM »

Ok, let's not get carried away again here.

I only asked if it might be better that I left her alone to deal with her mother than to have me around to think about. I'm just saying that going thru months of being set aside in the relationship can have it's toll, and this is why I started this thread so that I could maybe better deal with it.
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Zekester
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« Reply #30 on: May 16, 2008, 06:34:56 PM »

Here's one more example......my mother has been great to my girlfriend and her son over these years. Her son has a new grandmother that cares about him.

But on this past Mother's Day she didn't even remind her son to at least call my mother and wish her a Happy Mother's Day. That's just wrong. He's a kid, he has an excuse. She should have reminded him to at least call her.
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Kevin Grey
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« Reply #31 on: May 16, 2008, 06:36:47 PM »

Quote from: Zekester on May 16, 2008, 06:34:56 PM

But on this past Mother's Day she didn't even remind her son to at least call my mother and wish her a Happy Mother's Day. That's just wrong. He's a kid, he has an excuse. She should have reminded him to at least call her.

I agree, I can't imagine what could have distracted her from thinking of such a thing on Mother's Day...
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Booner
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« Reply #32 on: May 16, 2008, 06:38:59 PM »

Quote from: Zekester on May 16, 2008, 06:31:47 PM

Ok, let's not get carried away again here.

I only asked if it might be better that I left her alone to deal with her mother than to have me around to think about.

WTF? Are ya over there helping your lady and her mother? If you're not over there giving as much support as you can muster...no wonder you're getting the cold shoulder.

Quote
But on this past Mother's Day she didn't even remind her son to at least call my mother and wish her a Happy Mother's Day. That's just wrong. He's a kid, he has an excuse. She should have reminded him to at least call her.

See above...if it still applies, you're being selfish, shallow, and extremely petty.
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wonderpug
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hmm...


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« Reply #33 on: May 16, 2008, 06:40:31 PM »

Quote from: Zekester on May 16, 2008, 06:34:56 PM

Here's one more example......my mother has been great to my girlfriend and her son over these years. Her son has a new grandmother that cares about him.

But on this past Mother's Day she didn't even remind her son to at least call my mother and wish her a Happy Mother's Day. That's just wrong. He's a kid, he has an excuse. She should have reminded him to at least call her.

You're being unreasonable.  You're making me wish I knew your girlfriend so that my wife and I could be there for her.
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Zekester
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« Reply #34 on: May 16, 2008, 06:40:55 PM »

Her mother is slowly getting worse, but she's no invalid. She's not bed-ridden, and in fact can still do quite a bit for herself.

It's not like my girlfriend had to sit by her mothers side feeding and washing her the whole day.
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« Reply #35 on: May 16, 2008, 06:42:18 PM »

If you're not happy then get out.  Expecting or hoping for things to be fixed when her mother passes away is likely going to lead to disappointment.  Losing one's parent is a pretty life-altering event based on my experiences, and trying to predict *how* it will alter your g/f's life is pretty impossible.

Of course, if you're in the relationship to make her life better moreso or asmuchso as you're in the relationship for her to make your life better, then you should be in the trenches with her helping support her and her mom during their time of need.  If you open up and help out with some of the things she faces, maybe a little nookie would be forthcoming.
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« Reply #36 on: May 16, 2008, 06:43:23 PM »

Quote from: wonderpug on May 16, 2008, 06:40:31 PM

Quote from: Zekester on May 16, 2008, 06:34:56 PM

Here's one more example......my mother has been great to my girlfriend and her son over these years. Her son has a new grandmother that cares about him.

But on this past Mother's Day she didn't even remind her son to at least call my mother and wish her a Happy Mother's Day. That's just wrong. He's a kid, he has an excuse. She should have reminded him to at least call her.

You're being unreasonable.  You're making me wish I knew your girlfriend so that my wife and I could be there for her.

 thumbsup
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Zekester
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« Reply #37 on: May 16, 2008, 06:43:30 PM »

Quote
You're making me wish I knew your girlfriend so that my wife and I could be there for her.

Now you're being unreasonable. I HAVE been there for her for months now. Just once in awhile I need HER to be there for me.

One day? One day for us it too much to ask?

Like I said, her mother isn't helpless. She's still fairly active.
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wonderpug
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hmm...


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« Reply #38 on: May 16, 2008, 06:45:34 PM »

Quote from: Kevin Grey on May 16, 2008, 05:09:33 PM

Quote from: Zekester on May 16, 2008, 05:08:18 PM

I think one day of attention is fair after giving up weeks of unselfishness. Yes? No?

No. 

Quote from: Zekester on May 16, 2008, 06:43:30 PM

One day? One day for us it too much to ask?
YES
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JayDee
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« Reply #39 on: May 16, 2008, 06:46:43 PM »

Quote from: Zekester on May 16, 2008, 06:43:30 PM

Quote
You're making me wish I knew your girlfriend so that my wife and I could be there for her.

Now you're being unreasonable. I HAVE been there for her for months now. Just once in awhile I need HER to be there for me.

One day? One day for us it too much to ask?

Like I said, her mother isn't helpless. She's still fairly active.

But her mom is dying. Who cares how active she is? Does her being active lessen the impact that your g/f won't have her mother around sometime in the not-too-distant future?
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