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Author Topic: Out of the dating game for so many years.. where to start?  (Read 1276 times)
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corruptrelic
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« on: January 03, 2009, 09:07:34 AM »

My own fault having pretty much given up on women and dating after my ex ripped my heart out.
Have been so caught up in work that I never bothered getting back into dating again. I have a good job (sheriff's office), decent pay, my own apartment (renting anyway) haven't had too much of  a social life outside of work.
And working in a sausage fest (all males) hasn't really helped.

So now that I'm getting old I'd really like to get out there again. Trouble is, I don't know where to start anymore. It's been so long since I've even been on a date I wouldn't know what to say or what to do on it.
I met a girl about 8 months ago we went on a single date (ok that's the only one I've been on!) I was just lost.. didn't know what to say. We met at a coffee shop and talked a bit. When I knew I had nothing interesting to say I came up with an excuse how I was getting sick and had to leave.
She called later and said to get better and wanted to see me again. I never called her back.

If I'm talking with guy friends it's all good fun.. but when I'm on a date I'm as Lost as they were in the TV show.

Anyone have any suggestions on getting back into the playing field again? I remember when I was 18 and 19 I was meeting women left and right. Those days are long gone now and having been out of the game for so many years.. could use a little advice on what to do on dates and especially how to carry on an interesting conversation.
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Razgon
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« Reply #1 on: January 03, 2009, 09:33:19 AM »

Ask her questions, using eh..in english that would be "wh" words.. Who, why, what, when, and let her talk - followup on all she says, and let her know its interesting to you. Takes a little while to practice, but then again, most women are pretty good at talking, so, basically, your job is to listen.

While I hesitate to suggest it, since its not really the way forward in the future, alcohol loosens inhibitions in everyone, making it way easier to talk to anyone. Just dont get dependant on it for your conversations!
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Canuck
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« Reply #2 on: January 03, 2009, 10:45:45 AM »

Quote from: corruptrelic on January 03, 2009, 09:07:34 AM

When I knew I had nothing interesting to say I came up with an excuse how I was getting sick and had to leave.
She called later and said to get better and wanted to see me again. I never called her back.


Well you could start by not handicapping yourself! Dude you could have been in a  relationship for 8 months now!  And don't worry about not having anything interesting to say-I agree that it will be easier trying to get the girl to tell you "interesting" things about her life.  Besides, as a cop surely you've got a couple of interesting anecdotes!
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Canuck
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« Reply #3 on: January 03, 2009, 10:52:01 AM »

Oh and meeting at a coffee shop isn't much of  a date in my opinion.  For one thing, there isn't much to do at a coffee shop other than talk, which you've stated that you're a little out of practice with.  Instead you need to  be engaging in some sort of activity that makes conversation less of a pillar.  I don't like movies so much because then you're basically doing no talking.  Stuff that involves only casual conversation is your best bet, for example, mini golf, bowling, rollerblading on the boardwalk or something like that.  That really helps to relieve the pressure and then you don't feel the need to fill every moment of time with some witty repartee. When I was dating I usually had a couple of standby activities/places which I always used.  Of course they were old to me but if it was a new girl then it would be new for her. 

Oh a few more comments.  Have confidence! Don't me knocking yourself down.  You're probably much more interesting than you give yourself credit for so don't go around thinking negative thoughts cause that's gonna have a negative vibe.  If you feel like a confident guy, the women are probably going to see a confident guy and they go for that.

Activities that involve teamwork are good.  If you're in Florida then surely they must have some of those arcade/sports places where you can team up to play different sport games or even video games.

That's alll I got-good luck.  Depending on how my 3 year+ relationship goes, I might be in your shoes soon.
« Last Edit: January 03, 2009, 10:58:00 AM by Canuck » Logged
Moliere
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« Reply #4 on: January 03, 2009, 03:30:42 PM »

Quote from: Canuck on January 03, 2009, 10:52:01 AM

Activities that involve teamwork are good. 
Agree. Things like pool, bowling and miniature golf are great because it gives you something to do while also having something to talk about. Movies are terrible early dates because it takes you out of the interaction.

Ask open ended questions that can't be answered with a Yes or No.
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kratz
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« Reply #5 on: January 03, 2009, 06:12:17 PM »

Quote from: corruptrelic on January 03, 2009, 09:07:34 AM

I never called her back.

She dodged a bullet.
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Belgedin
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« Reply #6 on: January 03, 2009, 07:00:40 PM »

Its simple. Quit acting like she is different than one of your guy friends. She isn't. Not yet anyway. Don't ask a lot questions that she gets asked everytime she goes out and then pretend that you're interested. Ask her questions SHE has to think about, otherwise you are going to get the auto-pilot. Don't let her do all the talking unless she is doing it with passion, she can have a boring conversation with anyone.

Coffee shops are great, you don't have to pay a great deal (or at all, for that matter.)

Get her in your element. Invite her out with your guy friends and some of their girls or something. You don't need to be talking to her in order to communicate to her. Prove you're not a social outcast.

And for the love of God, if they call asking to see you again, call back.
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Starshifter
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« Reply #7 on: January 04, 2009, 12:41:12 AM »

One question for you. 


Why would you want to???
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« Reply #8 on: January 04, 2009, 01:34:15 AM »

Quote from: Starshifter on January 04, 2009, 12:41:12 AM

One question for you. 


Why would you want to???

It's human nature.
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El-Producto
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« Reply #9 on: January 06, 2009, 03:51:41 PM »

After getting divorced almost 2 years ago, I was terrified at getting back in the dating game after almost 14 years.  Initially I scoffed at online dating, but the eventual inability to find any quality women in my small town, caused me to bite the bullet and join eharmony.  That was 8 months ago, and my girlfriend who I met through eharmony has just moved in with me, and life couldn't be better.

Who knows if eharmony had anything to do with it.  I'm pretty certain I wouldn't have met this woman without it, as she lived 4 hours away.  I will say I also tried some other services, and the people on eharmony just seem to be quality, professional people.  Probably due to the cost of it, but I will say that the women I met on there were all very dateable.  I went out with 3 people before my current girlfriend from eharmony, and as well as being good intellectual/personal matches, were all attractive as well.

Good luck.. dating can suck, but can also be fun.
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« Reply #10 on: January 06, 2009, 09:35:37 PM »

Don't scoff at online dating sites.  Simply put, if you think about it, there's people compatible for you out there.  However, there may not be any in your area, or at least ones that aren't taken already or they don't move in the same circles as you.  If you aren't already out with activity groups in such meeting such people, online dating sites are a good answer.  Also, people on such sites are also looking for companionship.

Sure, there's always the chance of meeting some creep, wacko, or incompatible person, but you have the same chance of meeting such people every day.

eHarmony seems to be one of the better sites, if only because the site, and the people who join it, are somewhat serious about finding companionship of that nature.  There's probably other sites as well.  However, be careful of sites like okcupid and such, these are as much social network pages as they are dating sites.

As for the actual dating, well that's a different matter.  But it's important to not delve too much into the "OMG DATE!" mindset.  Because really, if you're looking for companionship of the long term nature, it's better to find someone you can be natural with, not just someone you happen to win over with some acting.

I'm finally on the dating scene and besides that excitement, it has also helped motivate myself even more to be the kind of person I want to be.  Not because I just want to impress someone, but more because I'd like to have interesting things to do, and bring to a relationship.
« Last Edit: January 06, 2009, 09:38:12 PM by Turtle » Logged
JayDee
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« Reply #11 on: January 06, 2009, 09:44:14 PM »

Just treat dating like an RPG. You are the main character. Other women are NPC's. You pick an attractive NPC and attempt to gain levels by earning points. Positive actions towards your NPC of choice will gain you points, negative actions (such as interacting with other NPC's) will cause you to lose points. After you accumulate a certain number of points, you will gain a level. Each level comes with new perks. After X amount of levels (varies by NPC) you get to put your chosen weapon, usually the Rod of Thrusting (effectiveness of this weapon is dependant on your Stamina skill) inside her.
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Turtle
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« Reply #12 on: January 06, 2009, 10:12:04 PM »

And eventually, when your S-Links are high enough to get to use certain special abilities.  Tongue
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IkeVandergraaf
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« Reply #13 on: January 07, 2009, 11:22:37 PM »

Girls are like people, but with vaginas.
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Zero
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« Reply #14 on: January 07, 2009, 11:29:41 PM »

Quote from: Turtle on January 06, 2009, 09:35:37 PM

Don't scoff at online dating sites.  Simply put, if you think about it, there's people compatible for you out there.  However, there may not be any in your area, or at least ones that aren't taken already or they don't move in the same circles as you.  If you aren't already out with activity groups in such meeting such people, online dating sites are a good answer.  Also, people on such sites are also looking for companionship.

Sure, there's always the chance of meeting some creep, wacko, or incompatible person, but you have the same chance of meeting such people every day.

eHarmony seems to be one of the better sites, if only because the site, and the people who join it, are somewhat serious about finding companionship of that nature.  There's probably other sites as well.  However, be careful of sites like okcupid and such, these are as much social network pages as they are dating sites.

As for the actual dating, well that's a different matter.  But it's important to not delve too much into the "OMG DATE!" mindset.  Because really, if you're looking for companionship of the long term nature, it's better to find someone you can be natural with, not just someone you happen to win over with some acting.

I'm finally on the dating scene and besides that excitement, it has also helped motivate myself even more to be the kind of person I want to be.  Not because I just want to impress someone, but more because I'd like to have interesting things to do, and bring to a relationship.

I actually second Turtle's idea.  The online dating sites (eharmony, match.com, etc) seemed to be a good way to go - especially if you are really looking to meet people.  I have quite a few friends that seemed to have found at least friends from these sites - and I know of two women that eventually got married to someone they met online.  But I think the true advice here is to just relax and be yourself...and definitely do not have the "OMG ITS A DATE" mentality.  I'm married and out of the dating scene - but from what I remember, the number one thing that the person you take out on a date want to be with is someone who is confident/self-assured but not in a self-absorbed/a-holish way.  Good luck!
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