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Author Topic: Not spending enough time with her?  (Read 1807 times)
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Ridah
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« on: January 13, 2007, 05:00:55 AM »

So basically, I have this philosophy. My friends deserve time with me, and my girlfriend deserves time with me. I don't factor in my family because I live with them. The first six months of the relationship, yeah, I spent a lot of time with her and not nearly as much as I used to with my friends. I still hung out with my friends, of course, but if I had to put a percentage to how much of my free time I spent with my girlfriend and with my friends, it would probably be 80%-20% in her favor. Now, we're coming on 11 months into the relationship, and slowly I've been slithering the percentage to be more equal. The situation I'm in now, I don't have all that much free time during the week, I usually see the girlfriend 1-2 nights during the week for a few hours or so, and dedicate Saturday to her. Friday nights are for me and my buddies. Today, I get off of work and I call her. She wants me to hang out with her and I tell her she's more than welcome to hang out with me and my friends, but it's not going to be just her and I. She starts sobbing, she says she's had a hard day at work (it always seems like women have the hardest days at work for some reason, doesn't it?) and really wants to just hang out, me and her. I explain my philosophy and she doesn't seem to understand, she says "I don't understand why you have to spend EVERY Friday with your friends" and "I guess I'm just used to people in relationships dedicating 100% of their time to each other". That's blasphemy to me. I've seen friends of mine who drop their friends when they are in a relationship, I think it's messed up. I didn't spend all those years with my friends just to say "see ya" once I got into a semi-serious relationship. It's like one of my friends said to one of our other friends who never pulled his head out of his relationship, "how many girls have you been with while we've been friends? girls have come and gone, but i've been your friend the whole time".

I see myself as being fair, am I wrong? 
« Last Edit: January 13, 2007, 05:02:39 AM by Ridah » Logged

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Kobra
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« Reply #1 on: January 13, 2007, 05:19:20 AM »

Best tip: Stop worrying about the friends, focus on yourself and your girl.  Friends are highly overrated, and they won't be your friends the very second you advance your family life if experience is any indicator. Theres a reason many of your friends appear to "Drop" friends when they get into a relationship/marriage. They don't actually "Drop" anyone, they just have priorities that are different than you  and you don't understand it.

For example many unmarried friends will be lost in the shuffle when you get married, completely incapable of understanding what marriage entails and the fact that you have new responsibilities and aren't a 18 year old anymore.  When you have kids, friends without kids will either stop coming around, or you will get sick and tired of them being so clueless about married with children lifestyles, you'll give them the boot.

The whole "How many girls have you been with while we been friends" guilt trip is pure bullshit.  Thats the kind of friends with baggage that want to hold back someones lifestyle for their own benefit.  Those are the first to go when you get some responsibility. 

Edit: My problem these days is I am not even on the same level as my friends or former friends..  I have a house (3 actually), a wife, 3 kids, plenty of money, careers, etc.  Most of my friends are still single, making $10 an hour, living in apartments and going out and drinking every night to find a new piece of ass.  What the fuck do I have in common with that?  Maybe if my old highschool/college buddies actually put down their 18 year old lifestyles, I'd have a reason to be pals with them.
« Last Edit: January 13, 2007, 05:26:58 AM by Kobra » Logged

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« Reply #2 on: January 13, 2007, 05:24:37 AM »

Quote from: Kobra on January 13, 2007, 05:19:20 AM

Best tip: Stop worrying about the friends, focus on yourself and your girl.  Friends are highly overrated, and they won't be your friends the very second you advance your family life if experience is any indicator. Theres a reason many of your friends appear to "Drop" friends when they get into a relationship/marriage. They don't actually "Drop" anyone, they just have priorities that are different than you  and you don't understand it.

For example many unmarried friends will be lost in the shuffle when you get married, completely incapable of understanding what marriage entails and the fact that you have new responsibilities and aren't a 18 year old anymore.  When you have kids, friends without kids will either stop coming around, or you will get sick and tired of them being so clueless about married with children lifestyles, you'll give them the boot.

The whole "How many girls have you been with while we been friends" guilt trip is pure bullshit.  Thats the kind of friends with baggage that want to hold back someones lifestyle for their own benefit.  Those are the first to go when you get some responsibility. 


Wow... I'm relatively certain we are polar opposites.

gellar
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« Reply #3 on: January 13, 2007, 05:31:22 AM »

I'm with gellar - my best friends are still my best friends now that I'm married.  I'd lay down in front of traffic for them.  Integrate your friends into your new 'expanded' life, don't exclude them.  If they are good friends, they'll be excited and happy for you.
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« Reply #4 on: January 13, 2007, 06:23:30 AM »

Balance is good and it it sounds like you were on the right track with trying to shift the balance back a little bit.  I think most reasonable women would be supportive of the need to maintain your existing friendships.

That said, generally if a girl needs some additonal emotional support on occasion it probably isn't the best idea to bust out "but see we have a schedule and tonight is buddy's night not girlfriend night" if you have any desire for the relationship to last.  You need to be flexible and if she's reasonable she'll recoginze when you do that and shouldn't have a problem if it goes the other way and you occasionally want to spend Saturday with the guys insead of with your girlfirend.

However, if he absolutely insists on your attention 100% of the time then I'd say it probably won't be a very healthy relationship to begin with. 
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« Reply #5 on: January 13, 2007, 06:45:02 AM »

Quote from: Kevin Grey on January 13, 2007, 06:23:30 AM

However, if he absolutely insists on your attention 100% of the time then I'd say it probably won't be a very healthy relationship to begin with. 

Something doesn't seem right there....   ninja
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« Reply #6 on: January 13, 2007, 08:09:13 AM »

My best friend is my wife. She has been ever since we met. I don't feel the need for an more friends now. If course I've never been one to have very many close friends anyway.
However, given my limited experience on the matter I'd say your not that serious on the girl. Sounds like she a convenience more than anything else.
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« Reply #7 on: January 13, 2007, 08:35:06 AM »

Quote from: Kobra on January 13, 2007, 05:19:20 AM

Best tip: Stop worrying about the friends, focus on yourself and your girl.  Friends are highly overrated, and they won't be your friends the very second you advance your family life if experience is any indicator. Theres a reason many of your friends appear to "Drop" friends when they get into a relationship/marriage. They don't actually "Drop" anyone, they just have priorities that are different than you  and you don't understand it.

Edit: My problem these days is I am not even on the same level as my friends or former friends..  I have a house (3 actually), a wife, 3 kids, plenty of money, careers, etc.  Most of my friends are still single, making $10 an hour, living in apartments and going out and drinking every night to find a new piece of ass.  What the fuck do I have in common with that?  Maybe if my old highschool/college buddies actually put down their 18 year old lifestyles, I'd have a reason to be pals with them.


I can understand where your coming from if your talking about marriage, obviously if your married you have the intentions of building a life with your partner. I'm just talking about a girlfriend, if I knew I wanted to marry her I would have asked her already. I think you underrate friends, Kobra, honestly. Sure, some friends aren't truly friends, but I have friends I've known since the 1st grade, you can't suddenly "prioritize" once your in a relationship and shuffle those friendships to the back. That, on the other hand, is what she seems to have done. I'm always urging her to call her friends, but she doesn't, and she flakes on them most of the time. It sucks because it ends up on my shoulders to keep entertained it seems like, and I don't have the time, especially while I'm working and trying to get my degree.

And as far as your former friends, sorry man but your friends were losers. Luckily it sounds like you escaped that circle. I have some older friends who make plenty of money and own homes, drive nice cars, and they go out hunting for a new piece of ass every night as well. Just because you don't wish to settle down with a woman doesn't mean you can't be a successful person. Besides, it's not like wives can do no wrong. At least your friends can't cheat on you or leave you, right? At least not in the same emotional sense.

I dunno, I'm not sure how to handle the situation. She tried to call me at around 9:30PM, by the time I was able to get to my phone it was about 45 minutes later. Tried to call, her phone is off. *shrug* At this point I'm trying to decide if I want to be the bigger person about the situation, or return the favor by not answering her calls for a few days. *shrug shrug*
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« Reply #8 on: January 13, 2007, 09:17:16 AM »

Quote from: Ridah on January 13, 2007, 05:00:55 AM

She starts sobbing, she says she's had a hard day at work (it always seems like women have the hardest days at work for some reason, doesn't it?) and really wants to just hang out, me and her. I explain my philosophy and she doesn't seem to understand, she says "I don't understand why you have to spend EVERY Friday with your friends" and "I guess I'm just used to people in relationships dedicating 100% of their time to each other".

Dude, you asked so...yeah. You are an awful boyfriend-if my girl ever said that to me when I was having a bad day I would be furious, and vice versa. Yes we spend a lot of time together, but believe me I am happy to spend 16 hours a day by myself and we live together smile-what I am trying to say is your attitude to her was just apalling. She called you sobbing after a bad day and you tried to explain your rationalization about your philosophy? No offense but are you freaking kidding me? What an incredible jackass move. I have been reading your posts from OO to GT about your relationships and your attitudes to your girlfriends-dude, if you dont care about your woman enough after 11 long months to want to be with her and make her feel better (at least for part of the night) when she needs it, then get out of the relationship and let the girl move on-you just don't care enough. If she did it to you you would be on this message board faster than I could click refresh whining about it.

Sorry for the harsh words, but you asked a question, and I am giving an answer. You were absolutely in the wrong.
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« Reply #9 on: January 13, 2007, 09:18:27 AM »

Quote from: Ridah on January 13, 2007, 08:35:06 AM

I dunno, I'm not sure how to handle the situation. She tried to call me at around 9:30PM, by the time I was able to get to my phone it was about 45 minutes later. Tried to call, her phone is off. *shrug* At this point I'm trying to decide if I want to be the bigger person about the situation, or return the favor by not answering her calls for a few days. *shrug shrug*

This is how you treat a girlfriend of 11 months? Wow, you are an asshole to your girlfriend. I'm sorry I tried to give my opinion earlier, I cannot fathom how you think.
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« Reply #10 on: January 13, 2007, 12:59:14 PM »

Some people treat others as though they are disposable, pretty lousy way to be treated.
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« Reply #11 on: January 13, 2007, 01:18:58 PM »

I smell a break up. Chicks think differently than guys, what may make sense to you might not to them. I think you could put off your friends for one night to spend time with her, it really isint that big of a deal.
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« Reply #12 on: January 13, 2007, 01:54:32 PM »

Sounds to me like this girl is more of a friend then a girlfriend, even if you have been going out for 11 months.  When you have a girlfriend or wife I would say your 80/20 split is about right or even a little high on the friend side.  Good friends will always be there for you but a relationship takes work and that means putting a lot of time into it.  If my wife came home and said she had a bad day I would drop my plans and be with her.  Just blowing her off like that seems very callous.  Also I'm not sure how old you are but as you get older, get different jobs, move, etc. you will have new friends an old friends wont be around. 
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« Reply #13 on: January 13, 2007, 03:45:16 PM »

I love girls who will hang with the guys, if she started crying instead of coming along I think I would get pretty pissed about it myself. The relationship wouldn't last long.

Ridah you sound too young to be in a serious relationship. I think a lot of the advice here is from guys much older who are settled down. That's not you. Dump her and do what you want to do.
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« Reply #14 on: January 13, 2007, 05:49:42 PM »

Quote from: Calvin on January 13, 2007, 09:18:27 AM

Quote from: Ridah on January 13, 2007, 08:35:06 AM

I dunno, I'm not sure how to handle the situation. She tried to call me at around 9:30PM, by the time I was able to get to my phone it was about 45 minutes later. Tried to call, her phone is off. *shrug* At this point I'm trying to decide if I want to be the bigger person about the situation, or return the favor by not answering her calls for a few days. *shrug shrug*

This is how you treat a girlfriend of 11 months? Wow, you are an asshole to your girlfriend. I'm sorry I tried to give my opinion earlier, I cannot fathom how you think.

When I read his posts, my thoughts are, I would like to date her if I was single, she needs a nice guy.  Tongue
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« Reply #15 on: January 13, 2007, 07:15:35 PM »

Quote from: Kobra on January 13, 2007, 05:49:42 PM

When I read his posts, my thoughts are, I would like to date her if I was single, she needs a nice guy.  Tongue

Nah, she sounds too needy to me. I like a girl I can get some space from occasionally, and wouldn't want to get in a fight every time I expressed it.
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Ridah
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« Reply #16 on: January 13, 2007, 09:18:47 PM »

The thing about girls is they are good with theatrics. I honestly thought she was just being selfish, my intention wasn't to be an asshole. The situation last night was that she was supposed to take a train to my city (takes like 20 minutes from where she lives) to meet me, we have dinner with a group of friends, and I drive her back to her place and stay the night. That was the plan we agreed on earlier in the day. I get home from work, it's like two hours before we're supposed to go to dinner, and all she says is "I decided I'm not going to dinner with you guys" and goes on some sobbing rant saying I spend too much time with my friends and not enough with her. If she wanted to see me so bad, why the hell was she too lazy to hop on the train and come over?

Quote
This is how you treat a girlfriend of 11 months? Wow, you are an asshole to your girlfriend. I'm sorry I tried to give my opinion earlier, I cannot fathom how you think.

Please, don't judge me if you don't know me personally. I've been nothing BUT nice to my girlfriend. I know I didn't handle the situation correctly last night. We have plans to become more serious, which is what I want, but I feel like I have to establish early on in the relationship that I have no intention of leaving my friends behind and that if she wants a life with me she has to accept that. Perhaps it's customary to some of you to simply drop your friends once or every time you meet a girl, but that's not the way I do it, I believe in the values of a good friendship.
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« Reply #17 on: January 13, 2007, 09:22:44 PM »

Quote from: Ridah on January 13, 2007, 09:18:47 PM

The thing about girls is they are good with theatrics. I honestly thought she was just being selfish, my intention wasn't to be an asshole. The situation last night was that she was supposed to take a train to my city (takes like 20 minutes from where she lives) to meet me, we have dinner with a group of friends, and I drive her back to her place and stay the night. That was the plan we agreed on earlier in the day. I get home from work, it's like two hours before we're supposed to go to dinner, and all she says is "I decided I'm not going to dinner with you guys" and goes on some sobbing rant saying I spend too much time with my friends and not enough with her. If she wanted to see me so bad, why the hell was she too lazy to hop on the train and come over?

Quote
This is how you treat a girlfriend of 11 months? Wow, you are an asshole to your girlfriend. I'm sorry I tried to give my opinion earlier, I cannot fathom how you think.

Please, don't judge me if you don't know me personally. I've been nothing BUT nice to my girlfriend. I know I didn't handle the situation correctly last night. We have plans to become more serious, which is what I want, but I feel like I have to establish early on in the relationship that I have no intention of leaving my friends behind and that if she wants a life with me she has to accept that. Perhaps it's customary to some of you to simply drop your friends once or every time you meet a girl, but that's not the way I do it, I believe in the values of a good friendship.

I am sorry, no offense dude, but when you open up your personal life to comment and ask for opinion, you are going to get judged, like it or not. If it's uncomfortable, then keep that side private. Just calling it like I read it.
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« Reply #18 on: January 13, 2007, 09:28:29 PM »

I always end up regretting making these type of threads, but at the time the need to vent is too big so I do it anyways   disgust
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« Reply #19 on: January 14, 2007, 06:49:58 AM »

Could be worse, I could vent all my good news about life, new opportunities, and the possibilities of new relationships.  Then whine about my inability to seal the deal.  slywink

Simply put, my friends are my friends, but my girlfriend is also my girlfriend.  It's a closer bond often, but takes time to build up, just like any friendship.  I'd work to make compromises and if she can't make those compromises, well I have to wonder how 3-4 years in the future will be.
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« Reply #20 on: January 15, 2007, 04:32:55 PM »

You have to be flexible.  Everyone needs a balance between their SO and their friends (and "alone" time, other commitments, etc.), but if your girl is having a bad day and needs some support, you might consider giving it to her.  A boyfriend/girlfriend relationship is closer than a friendship and the mutual support is important.  There may come a time when you will need the same from her.

Quote from: Ridah on January 13, 2007, 08:35:06 AM

I dunno, I'm not sure how to handle the situation. She tried to call me at around 9:30PM, by the time I was able to get to my phone it was about 45 minutes later. Tried to call, her phone is off. *shrug* At this point I'm trying to decide if I want to be the bigger person about the situation, or return the favor by not answering her calls for a few days. *shrug shrug*

Yes.  Always be the bigger person.  You will never regret that.
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