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Ridah
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« on: April 16, 2010, 12:22:19 AM »

I need a good joke to tell at my next Toastmasters meeting, any (clean) suggestions?
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« Reply #1 on: April 16, 2010, 12:23:43 AM »

Just show them Daehawk's profile  icon_twisted

alternatively, CleanJoke.com.
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« Reply #2 on: April 16, 2010, 12:47:02 AM »

Spoiler for 1:
Two pies are sitting in the oven.

After a while, the one pie says to the other:
"Gee, it sure is getting warm in here."

To which the other replies:
"AAAaAAaaAaahhhhHH! TALKING PIE!!"

Spoiler for 2:
Why didn't Old McDonald's pony answer the officer's questions at the murder scene?

He couldn't - he was a little hoarse.
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"If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners." - Johnny Carson
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« Reply #3 on: April 16, 2010, 12:47:59 AM »

What do you call a fish with no eyes*?

FSH

*i's
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« Reply #4 on: April 16, 2010, 12:52:20 AM »

Did you hear about the drum kit that jumped off a cliff to commit suicide?

Badum-tsh.
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« Reply #5 on: April 16, 2010, 04:06:26 AM »

What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?


Dam
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« Reply #6 on: April 16, 2010, 05:03:41 AM »

KNock Knock
-who's there
I eat map
-I eat map who?
You eat your poo?? Ewwww!
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« Reply #7 on: April 16, 2010, 03:49:34 PM »

Apparently jokes are only funny if they are dirty.
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« Reply #8 on: April 16, 2010, 03:51:54 PM »

Quote
A priest and a nun are golfing, and the priest is up.

He swings misses and exclaims "oh my God I missed!"

The nun gives him a dirty look, but he swings again, misses and exclaims "oh my God I missed!"

The nun stares at him and says, "If you say that one more time, God will open up the heavens and strike you with a lightning bolt!"

So, the priest swings again and exclaims "oh my God I ........Missed!"

Suddenly a lightning bolt shoots out of the sky and strikes the nun. All that is heard in the sky is, "Oh my God I missed"
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hmm...


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« Reply #9 on: April 16, 2010, 04:09:32 PM »

A guy walks into a restaurant and orders four tacos, but the Mexican waiter only brings him three...
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rickfc
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« Reply #10 on: April 16, 2010, 04:14:47 PM »

Quote from: CeeKay on April 16, 2010, 03:51:54 PM

Quote
A priest and a nun are golfing, and the priest is up.

He swings misses and exclaims "oh my God I missed!"

The nun gives him a dirty look, but he swings again, misses and exclaims "oh my God I missed!"

The nun stares at him and says, "If you say that one more time, God will open up the heavens and strike you with a lightning bolt!"

So, the priest swings again and exclaims "oh my God I ........Missed!"

Suddenly a lightning bolt shoots out of the sky and strikes the nun. All that is heard in the sky is, "Oh my God I missed"

LOL
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DamageInc
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« Reply #11 on: April 16, 2010, 05:30:11 PM »

I don't want to get into a political debate, it's just a joke.

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.  While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes.  When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes.  When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check.

Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours.  When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.

When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply.

........
........

The devil smiles and replies, "Since Obama took over, the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."

 

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DamageInc
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« Reply #12 on: April 16, 2010, 05:31:16 PM »

Quote from: wonderpug on April 16, 2010, 04:09:32 PM

A guy walks into a restaurant and orders four tacos, but the Mexican waiter only brings him three...

Nice pull from another thread, LMAO  icon_lol
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« Reply #13 on: April 16, 2010, 05:35:18 PM »

Quote from: Purge on April 16, 2010, 12:47:59 AM

What do you call a fish with no eyes*?

FSH

*i's

What do you call a dear with no eyes?

No idea

What do you call that same dear with no legs?

Still no idea

What do you call that same dear with no genitals?

Still no f%*kin' idea
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Harkonis
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« Reply #14 on: April 16, 2010, 05:38:04 PM »

Quote from: DamageInc on April 16, 2010, 05:35:18 PM

Quote from: Purge on April 16, 2010, 12:47:59 AM

What do you call a fish with no eyes*?

FSH

*i's

What do you call a dear with no eyes?

No idea

What do you call that same dear with no legs?

Still no idea

What do you call that same dear with no genitals?

Still no f%*kin' idea

that only works if you mispronounce idea and live in the south slywink
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Ridah
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« Reply #15 on: April 16, 2010, 05:38:43 PM »

Quote from: kratz on April 16, 2010, 03:49:34 PM

Apparently jokes are only funny if they are dirty.

That's why I'm in a predicament.
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Sean Lama
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« Reply #16 on: April 16, 2010, 05:39:12 PM »

While standing in line in front of St. Peter, a man notices that while people being sent to heaven walk through the pearly gates by themselves, the Devil takes the hell-bound and throws them down into the pit of hell himself. Odd as it may seem, he doesn't throw them ALL down, and some are being tossed in a pile to his side.

Unable to contain his curiosity, the man in line asks the Prince of Darkness why he has a separate pile to which the demon replies:

"They're from Vancouver; they're still too wet to burn."
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« Reply #17 on: April 16, 2010, 05:43:46 PM »

How do you put an elephant in a refrigerator?

Spoiler for Hiden:
open the door
put the elephant in
close the door.

How do you put a hippo in a refrigerator?

Spoiler for Hiden:
open the door
take the elephant out
put the hippo in
close the door.


The mighty lion, king of the jungle, calls forth all of his subjects to him to make an announcement. He notices a trunk waving in the back just as he begins to speak, so he asks what question the elephant has.

To which the elephant replies:
Spoiler for Hiden:
Oh, I have no question, your majesty; I just wanted to tell you not to wait for the hippo - someone left him in the fridge.


This works well to segment during your speech... pair the first two, and save the lion one for the end. smile
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« Reply #18 on: April 16, 2010, 05:49:42 PM »

Bob and Frank are returning home from a fishing trip.  A dear runs out into the road and the driver swerves to miss it, hits a tree and both men are killed.  Bob wakes up and he realizes he is in heaven.  One day as Bob is doing his angel work of cleaning clouds and tuning harps he see St Peter.  Bob says "Hey Pete where is my buddy Frank I haven't seen him".  St. Peter replies well you know not everyone gets to heaven Frank is in the other place.  Bob asks if he can see Frank to make sure he is ok.  St. Peter parts the clouds and Bob see's Frank.  Frank is sitting in a lounge chair with a beer in his hand, naked woman on his lap, and a big screen TV with football on it in front of him.  Bob asks St. Peter if he could speak to Frank to which St Peter replies "You can go down and talk to him but its a one way trip".  Bob thinks for a minute and says I want to be with my buddy.  Next thing Bob knows he is in a lounge chair with a cold beer, naked woman, and big screen TV in front of him right next to Frank.  Frank asks "what are you doing here?".  Bob replies " I looked down on you from heaven and wanted to join you after what I saw".  Bob then realizes its very hot and goes to take a drink from his cold beer; he asks Frank" Hey Frank there is no hole in this beer?".  Frank replies "there is no holes in the women either, hell ain't it".
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« Reply #19 on: April 16, 2010, 05:52:20 PM »

A man is driving when he sees an orangutan sitting on the curb. Not knowing what else to do, he puts it in his passenger seat and continues on. He stops at a gas station and the attendant comes out. Seeing the odd scene before him the attendant asks, "Hey buddy, why do you have a monkey in your car?" "Well, he was just sitting on the side of the road; what d'ya think I should I do with him?" "That's easy," the attendant replies, "just take him to the zoo." "Good idea, I'll do just that", the man says, and drives off.

A week later the same guy pulls up to the same gas station. The attendant comes out and sees the orangutan in the passenger seat. It is wearing a swimsuit, zinc oxide on its nose and is holding a towel. "Hey buddy", the attendant shouts to the man, "I thought you were taking that monkey to the zoo?!?" The man yells back, "Yeah, well we had so much fun then that we're going to the beach this week"!
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« Reply #20 on: April 16, 2010, 07:04:27 PM »

An old miser is dying. He calls his doctor, his priest, and his lawyer to his bedside. "I know they say you can't take it with you," he says, "but I'm going to." He hands them each an envelope. "Those envelopes each contain $100,000 cash," he says. "Throw them in my grave when they bury me. Then I can take it with me and not leave it to any of my greedy heirs."

The old man dies, and the doctor, priest, and lawyer attend the funeral. Each throws an envelope into the grave. Afterwards, they have a drink at a nearby bar.

"I have a confession to make," says the doctor. "I took $20,000 from the envelope before I threw it in the grave.  Malpractice insurance premiums are killing me, and the health insurance companies take forever to pay me."

"I have a confession to make as well," says the priest. "I took $50,000 out of the envelope before I threw it in.  People aren't tithing as much to the church any more, and we're going broke. I don't want to have to fire employees who have been with the church for decades."

The lawyer shakes his head. "Gentlemen, I'm ashamed for you. Why, I threw in a check for the full amount!"
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« Reply #21 on: April 16, 2010, 07:23:20 PM »

What's the generic drug name for Viagra?

Mycoxaphalin
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« Reply #22 on: April 16, 2010, 07:30:28 PM »

You have to cross a river full of crocodiles. You have a bucket, a tube and a paperclip. How do you cross?

Spoiler for Hiden:
You swim across. All of the crocodiles are at the lion king's meeting, wondering where the hippo is.
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« Reply #23 on: April 16, 2010, 07:44:42 PM »

what's Brown and Sticky?

Spoiler for Hiden:
A Stick


What's Orange and sounds like a Parrot?

Spoiler for Hiden:
A Carrot


what do you call a woman who stands in the middle of a Tennis Court?

Spoiler for Hiden:
Annette


what do you call a woman with a Slate on her head?

Spoiler for Hiden:
Ruth
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« Reply #24 on: April 16, 2010, 07:48:05 PM »

Wow... these remind me of my dad, particularly the orangutan and elephant in the refrigerator jokes.  He told the same corny jokes over and over again, like they were the funniest thing ever. smile
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« Reply #25 on: April 16, 2010, 08:00:03 PM »

What do you call a paraplegic man in a swimming pool?

Spoiler for Hiden:
Bob

What do you call a man hanging on a wall?

Spoiler for Hiden:
Art

What do you call two men hanging above a window?
Spoiler for Hiden:
Kurt and Rod

What do you call a one legged woman?
Spoiler for Hiden:
Eileen

What do you call a row of rabbits jumping backwards?
Spoiler for Hiden:
A receding hare line.

What do you call a man with 4 rabbits shoved up his ass?
Spoiler for Hiden:
Warren

What do you call a guy hiding in a Juniper Patch?
Spoiler for Hiden:
Russel

What is brown and falls out of trees?
Spoiler for Hiden:
Dead Monkeys


Oh, wait... you said GOOD joke.

Sorry, got nothing for ya. Tongue
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« Reply #26 on: April 16, 2010, 08:10:46 PM »

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon and says, "I'm looking for the man that shot my paw!"
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« Reply #27 on: April 16, 2010, 08:14:31 PM »

a man walks into a bar.
Spoiler for Hiden:
he says ouch.

a peanut walks into a bar.
Spoiler for Hiden:
it was a salted.
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« Reply #28 on: April 17, 2010, 06:39:58 AM »

A guy goes into a dentist's office. The dentist says, "How can I help you?"

The guy says, "I'm a moth."

The dentist says, "Excuse me?"

The guy says again, "I'm a moth."

The dentist says, "I think maybe you should be seeing a psychiatrist, not a dentist."

The guy says, "I saw a psychiatrist."

The dentist says, "So what are you doing here?"

The guy says, "Your light was on."
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« Reply #29 on: April 19, 2010, 09:45:41 PM »

Quote from: drifter on April 16, 2010, 05:49:42 PM

Bob and Frank are returning home from a fishing trip.  A dear runs out into the road and the driver swerves to miss it, hits a tree and both men are killed.  Bob wakes up and he realizes he is in heaven.  One day as Bob is doing his angel work of cleaning clouds and tuning harps he see St Peter.  Bob says "Hey Pete where is my buddy Frank I haven't seen him".  St. Peter replies well you know not everyone gets to heaven Frank is in the other place.  Bob asks if he can see Frank to make sure he is ok.  St. Peter parts the clouds and Bob see's Frank.  Frank is sitting in a lounge chair with a beer in his hand, naked woman on his lap, and a big screen TV with football on it in front of him.  Bob asks St. Peter if he could speak to Frank to which St Peter replies "You can go down and talk to him but its a one way trip".  Bob thinks for a minute and says I want to be with my buddy.  Next thing Bob knows he is in a lounge chair with a cold beer, naked woman, and big screen TV in front of him right next to Frank.  Frank asks "what are you doing here?".  Bob replies " I looked down on you from heaven and wanted to join you after what I saw".  Bob then realizes its very hot and goes to take a drink from his cold beer; he asks Frank" Hey Frank there is no hole in this beer?".  Frank replies "there is no holes in the women either, hell ain't it".

Haha, this one is awesome! It's too dirty to use but I like it.
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« Reply #30 on: April 20, 2010, 01:51:42 PM »

Quote from: wonderpug on April 16, 2010, 04:09:32 PM

A guy walks into a restaurant and orders four tacos, but the Mexican waiter only brings him three...

Well played, sir.  Well played.
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« Reply #31 on: April 20, 2010, 01:54:09 PM »

Quote from: El-Producto on April 16, 2010, 07:23:20 PM

What's the generic drug name for Viagra?

Mycoxaphalin

It's also marketed under Mycoxaflopin.
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« Reply #32 on: April 20, 2010, 02:31:34 PM »

Quote from: Gromit on April 20, 2010, 01:54:09 PM

Quote from: El-Producto on April 16, 2010, 07:23:20 PM

What's the generic drug name for Viagra?

Mycoxaphalin

It's also marketed under Mycoxaflopin.

one of my co-workers, who is at times a walking pharmacy, is going to hate you for that one when I write it down and tell him he should check it out next time he goes to the pharmacy.  considering he fell for the April Fool's joke the OSU newspaper printed on the front page it should be like shooting fish in a barrel  icon_twisted
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