I need a very loud, wirelessly operated, work-related device

[wonderpug]

My cube is near a conference room.  I'm tired of politely asking people to close the door so their conversations, bad jokes, bad anecdotes, and volume up to 11 speakerphone conversations don't bore their way through my skull.  I'm also tired of impolitely asking people.

It's time to fight back.  There is a shelf right next to the conference room door on which I could place some kind of really loud, obnoxious electronic device.  My leading idea is to find a circa 1980s dot matrix printer on ebay.  Door left open?  Printer starts printing.  Door closes; I turn off printer.  People need to be able to pass through the walkway between me and the shelf, though so we'll have to use proton torpedoes so we'll have to be able to trigger it wirelessly and avoid making a trip cord.

Are there modern day dot matrix printers that can be wirelessly triggered?  A way to jury rig an old one?

Anything else loud come to mind?  I need to keep up the pretense that the loud obnoxiousness is necessary and work-related, so I can't just stick a bagpipist on the shelf and call it a day.  With the dot matrix printer, I was thinking I could have some TPS report-looking-things at the ready.

[Purge]

A 14.4 modem would also do. Especially if you set some of its codes to time out too quick so it keeps redialing and reinitializing. Oooo, to a FAX machine!

[PR_GMR]

How about shredder? That could do it.

[wonderpug]

How about shredder? That could do it.

Ooh, that would've been perfect if we didn't have a clear company-wide policy to use giant communal shred bins.

[Purge]

Set up a fax machine, override its codes so that its handshake is external. Then get a cell phone hooked up to it and dial in.

Or, set up a speaker in the room with the mic outside. Whenever they get too loud, they create their own feedback loop.

[Kagath]

Wireless fart noise maker. Turn it up and hide it in the conference room.

[Jag]

Fax machine is a good idea. What about a massive, loud fan.

You could also put your own speakerphone on max. I can PM you my number if you want me to yell business related tidbits over the phone

"I SAID THE TOMPKINS ACCOUNT NEEDS SOME ADDITIONAL WORK!!"

Another idea is to see if your company would install a door closing device on the door of the conference room so the door closes on its own.

[wonderpug]

Another idea is to see if your company would install a door closing device on the door of the conference room so the door closes on its own.

I did actually pursue that avenue to no avail.  Getting petty is the only option left.

[hepcat]

Another idea is to see if your company would install a door closing device on the door of the conference room so the door closes on its own.

They did...it's called a Wonderpug.

[rshetts2]

Another idea is to see if your company would install a door closing device on the door of the conference room so the door closes on its own.

Getting Petty is the only option left.

Brilliant.  Get Tom Petty to let it rip.  You wont even need wireless, he can just start wailing American Girl at the appropriate time.

[Purge]

He'll get as far as "...and America too...." in Free Fallin', and that door will be closed.

[Harkonis]

I like the idea of just playing Tom Petty songs really loudly whenever they leave it open.  This leaves you open to say you were just being Petty.

You can program floppy drives to play them so it seems more work related...

[PR_GMR]

Tom Petty. 

[TK-421]

How about shredder? That could do it.

I could definitely use the work.

[Purge]

How about shredder? That could do it.

I could definitely use the work.

You keep telling the Turtles that they'll pay, but you never follow through. Get a job, ya bum.

[Isgrimnur]

Or at least hire an Accounts Receivable company.

[CeeKay]

just get some friends and start doing this in front of the door:

[WorkingMike]

http://www.amazon.com/ThinkGeek-98C52-Annoy-a-tron/dp/B0013JCSKC

not remote triggered, and would probably annoy the shit out of you as well, but it's pretty good for driving friends and/or colleagues nuts

[rittchard]

I've been told I'm very loud, so put me on speakerphone while we play a game of Hero Academy and I can be super obnoxious and drive people insane.  I'll even use my super gay voice if it becomes necessary.

"Die, Britney!!!"

"Oh no you di'nt, sailor boy!"

"I'm gonna kill your spear chick!"

"That's not a spear in my pocket, sweetie!"

(door closes)

[Purge]

http://www.amazon.com/ThinkGeek-Micro-Sonic-Grenade/dp/B004QZ181U/ref=pd_sim_t_6/187-3528504-2252367

[Caine]

Are you any good with duct tape?  Can you get access to some flexible tubing?  How far away is this room from the nearest men's restroom?

* this may be against the Geneva convention. 

[Kagath]

http://www.amazon.com/Liquid-Assets-Novelties-LLC-Mister/dp/B000OCEWGW/ref=pd_sim_t_2

Depending on how close this is to your desk. Just wander by to the watercooler each time they are starting to get loud and drip a drop somewhere.

[Harkonis]

99% of these suggestions are missing the 'appears as if it's a legitimate office requirement' aspect I think.

[wonderpug]

You're missing the appear as legitimate office requirement aspect!

[Purge]

Fax machine.

Photo Copier.

Organ grinder (CeeKay variety).

Or you could start a conversation between two co-workers, and troll them so they start arguing loudly (as you slink away).

We call it "Timmy-Go-Boom!" in our office. We have one guy who's buttons are about this easy to push...

[Kagath]

99% of these suggestions are missing the 'appears as if it's a legitimate office requirement' aspect I think.

You aren't going to tell me people don't fart in the office. Cause that sure as hell isn't the case with any office I've visited. Buncha damn gas bags.

[rittchard]

You're missing the appear as legitimate office requirement aspect!

I'm pretty sure playing Hero Academy with me appears as a legitimate office requirement.

[PR_GMR]

Just call it a day and stand there, John-Cusack-style 'Say Anything' with a big ole boombox, everytime they start a conference with the door open.

[CeeKay]

Just call it a day and stand there, John-Cusack-style 'Say Anything' with a big ole boombox, everytime they start a conference with the door open.

you have to be careful with the power of the boombox though.

[Harkonis]

You're missing the appear as legitimate office requirement aspect!

I am not, but my suggestion certainly is

[Montag]

I propose a white noise generator.  Our HR person has one and I really hate it.  She cranks it up at her open door.  Yes, an open door.  I wonder if I am damaging my hearing when I am near the thing.

[wonderpug]

I propose a white noise generator.  Our HR person has one and I really hate it.  She cranks it up at her open door.  Yes, an open door.  I wonder if I am damaging my hearing when I am near the thing.

Ooh.  This has the potential for some high grade passive aggressiveness.  "I'm sure you won't mind if I turn this on to help alleviate all the noise you're making."

[pr0ner]

I propose a white noise generator.  Our HR person has one and I really hate it.  She cranks it up at her open door.  Yes, an open door.  I wonder if I am damaging my hearing when I am near the thing.

Ooh.  This has the potential for some high grade passive aggressiveness.  "I'm sure you won't mind if I turn this on to help alleviate all the noise you're making."

 

[morlac]

Just pick up your phone and have a fake, loud conversation with your Dr. about your as yet unidentified skin fungus.  Door will be shut in .2 seconds.

"Yes Dr., it's pussing again."

"Umm huh, I see."

"Is It contagious?"

"Hmmm, Oh my."

"Well i do really need to finish these TPC reports and my desk is unfortunately right next to the conference room but, yes I will keep contact down to a minimum"

[Harpua3]

Pretend you are a swinger and have lots of fake conversations on the phone about it. Wait, you might really just hear MORE things you really don't want to hear.. I'm sensing this plan could easily backfire..

[Harpua3]

Or the Tom petty thing..

[Punisher]

German Shepard... You can say that you are instituting new security protocals.....You can also train it to attack people on command and when they balk, just tell them that they must have smelt suspiciuous

[wonderpug]

I've got Mass Effect on the mind enough that your post first made me think of Commander Shepard with a German accent.