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Author Topic: I dont want kids - a relationship killer  (Read 7857 times)
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dedewhale
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« on: May 10, 2008, 10:59:20 AM »

I am 37 years old...and been dating at 39 year (soon to be 40) old women for a year and a half now. I have always thought that maybe someday I would want a family. But now as time progresses I have really decided that I enjoy my life to much the way it is and that I am not ready or willing to make the life style change of marriage or children.

I told my women last night that my mind has changed and that it is not 100% etched in stone but this is how I feel....and of course it led to disassterous consequences. She started crying and yelling, "why am I wasting my time?"

I told her it is not a waste but these are my thoughts, and I am being honest and need to share...I love you and want to be with you but if are thoughts dont align, I think it is only fair that I allow you the space to make your decision on how you want to proceed.

I feel like crap, that I feel of have just dropped an anvil on someone I care about so deeply. It just seems like my thought pattern is so different then everyone around me. Why do so many, especially women, define themselves this way?

Uggg, I just want to eat and eat copious amount of food right now!
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Mithridates
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« Reply #1 on: May 10, 2008, 01:16:05 PM »

Well, better to tell her now rather than to get married and have kids and be in a situation you are unhappy with. smile

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helot2000
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« Reply #2 on: May 10, 2008, 01:28:32 PM »

Quote from: dedewhale on May 10, 2008, 10:59:20 AM

Why do so many, especially women, define themselves this way?
The difference is that for you, it is a choice.  For her, it is a biological imperative.  As men, you and I will never comprehend just how deep seated this desire is.  Then there are her friends and family all asking, when are you going to have a baby? 

dede, when my wife and I married in our 20s, we agreed that we would not have children.  As first borns, we both did a lot of child rearing in our families and that soured me on the idea of having children.  In our 30s, everything changed.  That biological clock starts to tick for my wife and we started talking about having children.  Then we hit a snag called infertility and my wife became almost inconsolable.  It nearly destroyed her so I have a guess at what your gf might be feeling. 

As someone who once was dead set against having kids and someone who has to work hard at being a good parent, I have to say I'm thankful my wife changed my mind and that we were blessed with two kids.  My son and daughter are big PC and console gamers and last night we played Munchkin Impossible.  Today, we'll go to see Ironman.  From a man's perspective, the early years are tough (poopy diapers and all) but it gets easier and better from there. 

Seriously, good luck.
« Last Edit: May 10, 2008, 02:30:02 PM by helot2000 » Logged

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Crux
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« Reply #3 on: May 10, 2008, 01:29:33 PM »

As someone who was always somewhat ambivalent towards the thought of having children but is now thoroughly delighted at having his first child due in a few days, what exactly about having kids is such a negative thing for you?
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« Reply #4 on: May 10, 2008, 01:30:17 PM »

Well, it's because kids are awesome.

The bottom line about having kids comes down to selfishness (and I don't mean that in the you're a bad person kind of way so don't read it that way).  You like your life the way its. Children take time, resources and time and resources to raise and deal with.  That's a lot to sacrifice.

Now, I'm sure, 99% of people will say the benefits more than outweigh the sacrifices and I am one of those that has no doubts about that- but children are not for everyone. However, you need to think about the fact that her time to bear kids is running low and also think about whether you would be okay in 10 or so years knowing that your window is probably closed too and do you want to go throughout life without them?

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ScubaV
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« Reply #5 on: May 10, 2008, 01:35:55 PM »

I guess that's the way things are heading culturally, but it seems a little late to be worried about kids at 40.  I'd like to have kids someday too, but I'd probably draw the line around 35 if I hadn't had kids by then.
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corruptrelic
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« Reply #6 on: May 10, 2008, 01:48:19 PM »

Quote
Well, better to tell her now rather than to get married and have kids and be in a situation you are unhappy with.

+1 just look at how Al Bundy ended up! I'll never forget that episode where he's riding a motorcycle with two blondes, one on each side, when the camera zooms in on his knuckles where one says "NO WIFE" and the other says "NO KIDS" and he's having the time of his life!  icon_wink

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« Reply #7 on: May 10, 2008, 02:42:39 PM »

Send her my way  icon_razz .....i'd love to have a daughter someday, but my current girlfriend is too old to have any more kids.

You did the right thing by telling her, though. She deserved to know.

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NetGuy
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« Reply #8 on: May 10, 2008, 02:43:43 PM »

One that that really caught my attention in your post was your gf saying "Why am I wasting my time?"

That bothers me.  To me, serious relationships involve two people who really want to be with each other.  You gf's comment makes it sound like she's only using you as a tool to acquire children.  :-/  That would BOTHER me.  In fact that's what bothers me about women and children in relationships in general.  It certainly *seems*, from an outside view, like the priorities in most women's life are:
1) children
2) children
3) children
.
.
.
x) significant other.

I'm just too selfish for that frown  Not sure I could handle not being the most important person in my gf/wife's life.

I also noticed one of the replies mentioned that there was a lot of pressure from friends/family asking when women are going to have kids.   So f'ing what?  Living your life to please other people is never a good idea.  If them asking is bothering you or adding to your stress level tell them to respect your wishes and mind their own business.  

To make you feel a little less alien, I don't have any sort of burning desire to have children either... I just don't.
see.
the.
appeal.

However, I haven't totally ruled  it out.  I might have one down the road (certainly no more)
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dedewhale
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« Reply #9 on: May 10, 2008, 02:44:53 PM »

Quote from: Crux on May 10, 2008, 01:29:33 PM

As someone who was always somewhat ambivalent towards the thought of having children but is now thoroughly delighted at having his first child due in a few days, what exactly about having kids is such a negative thing for you?

I am not saying I hate kids but I am not ready for them. I am really enjoying my life, and I dont know if I want to have someone dependant upon me right now, not sure if that will change ....but as of now I can not commit to that. I dont think I have a need to be defined by prodgeny, the same need which drives so many people.

I have had in the past had conversations with my girlfriend about children and I have stated that I am not ready but I would not be against adopting and adopting an older child down the road. She was against that and wanted her own biological child. So for us it became another timing issue and is she wont adopt then she probably has to have one soon.

I feel like crap and I feel like I have hurt someone I care so much but I am just being honest and trying to make an intelligent decision right now.          
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dedewhale
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« Reply #10 on: May 10, 2008, 02:48:32 PM »

Quote from: NetGuy on May 10, 2008, 02:43:43 PM

One that that really caught my attention in your post was your gf saying "Why am I wasting my time?"

That bothers me.  To me, serious relationships involve two people who really want to be with each other.  You gf's comment makes it sound like she's only using you as a tool to acquire children.  :-/  That would BOTHER me.  In fact that's what bothers me about women and children in relationships in general.  It certainly *seems*, from an outside view, like the priorities in most women's life are:
1) children
2) children
3) children
.
.
.
x) significant other.

I'm just too selfish for that frown  Not sure I could handle not being the most important person in my gf/wife's life.

I also noticed one of the replies mentioned that there was a lot of pressure from friends/family asking when women are going to have kids.   So f'ing what?  Living your life to please other people is never a good idea.  If them asking is bothering you or adding to your stress level tell them to respect your wishes and mind their own business.  

To make you feel a little less alien, I don't have any sort of burning desire to have children either... I just don't.
see.
the.
appeal.

However, I haven't totally ruled  it out.  I might have one down the road (certainly no more)

the "why am I wasing my time: line irked me a lot too....my reply is because we love each other and will continue to, and  spending time with each other is important.

I did tell her at the beginning that I could see starting a family some day, but my mind has changed and I am not so keen on that right now...mind could change again.

By the way, my girlfriend got really upset last week at a friend because that friend said that she should be having children and what is doing. So other peoples opinions do way on her mind, heavily
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« Reply #11 on: May 10, 2008, 03:10:17 PM »

Congratulations on getting that out in the open. Either she will choose to go on under those terms, or she will not, but a serious incompatibility will be resolved one way or the other.

I was lucky to find a non-breeding girl while I was still in my early 20s. Such women are exceedingly rare, and even her resolved faltered a couple of times over the decades -- that biological imperative is not easily denied. But 30 years later we are still together, and -- against all the pressures to the contrary -- we remained happily child-free.
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Dan_Theman
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« Reply #12 on: May 10, 2008, 03:11:31 PM »

Interesting.  I'm a single dad, for those who don't know.  My son is the center of my life, and I wouldn't have it any other way.  That said, kids aren't for everyone - depending on what you're trying to accomplish in life, they can effectively stop your momentum toward a goal.  To some that's acceptable and to others it isn't, and that's just the way people work.  My life would be quite different if I didn't have my son, and by the metrics of some people it would be "better," but not by my own.  It's just a question of what I value most.  I don't begrudge those who choose to not have kids, and in fact I'm thankful they don't force themselves into that situation because I suspect there's a greater chance they'll face more challenges as parents and the kids may suffer for it.

Unfortunately, I've seen the issue drive apart many couples, married or not.  I've yet been able to find the silver bullet to slay this lycanthropic beast of a relationship killer.
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« Reply #13 on: May 10, 2008, 03:50:29 PM »

Quote from: NetGuy on May 10, 2008, 02:43:43 PM

One that that really caught my attention in your post was your gf saying "Why am I wasting my time?"
His gf is soon to turn 40.  Her chances of having a child are fading fast, assuming she has a chance at all. 

Quote
The probability of having a baby decreases 3-5 % per year after the age of 30, and at a faster rate after 40. Unfortunately, as women age they also have a higher chance of miscarrying.

Look at it from per perspective, NetGuy.  She would like to have a child and this was once open for discussion.  Dede changed his mind and said he doesn't want kids.  His gf has few choices.  She can stay with Dede and accept never being a mother.  She can leave Dede and try to find a man who wants kids before her biological clock expires.  Or she can go to a clinic and try to become a single mom.  She will have to decide what is most important to her and the one thing she doesn't have a lot of is time. 
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Crux
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« Reply #14 on: May 10, 2008, 03:58:46 PM »

Quote from: dedewhale on May 10, 2008, 02:44:53 PM

I am not saying I hate kids but I am not ready for them. I am really enjoying my life, and I dont know if I want to have someone dependant upon me right now, not sure if that will change ....but as of now I can not commit to that.

If I had a dollar every time I said "I'm not ready" to my wife when she brought up the possibility of having kids, I'd be able to eat a nice lunch somewhere biggrin

Seriously though, even when we decided to start trying, I didn't feel ready. I especially didn't feel ready when we were successful on our first attempt. It has been a gradual process here for me of going from "I'm not ready" to "I can't wait". And that is no lie.

I really wasn't ready to have a child. I was too content with my life the way it was, and wasn't ready to change. My wife is a few years old than I am, and her biological clock really forced me to make that choice before I would have otherwise. And I couldn't be happier for it.

My question to you is: when WOULD you be ready?
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dedewhale
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« Reply #15 on: May 10, 2008, 04:13:13 PM »

Quote from: Crux on May 10, 2008, 03:58:46 PM

My question to you is: when WOULD you be ready?

that is the million dollar question. I dont know....I may never or I may tomorrow. I just dont know, but the way I do things is I dont force it.

This morning I went to look at a horse....at the end the partner said to me, "so do we have a deal, I have other interested buyers?" I looked at him and said I am not ready to make a decision. But you see the difference is if I make a mistake, who am I impacting? Nobody but me. if I make a mistake with a kid, I am not only impacting two prescious lives (my gf/wife and the innocent child), but I am impacting my family and those around me. I cant not make that decision right now.

Yes I may never be ready, but that decision is one I can live with and if I make a mistake feel there are other ways I can prfoundly nurture a needing children around me (adopting, volunteering or donating).  If I make a mistake the other way (boy did I screw up).

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Crux
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« Reply #16 on: May 10, 2008, 04:18:34 PM »

Question then becomes, why aren't you ready? Is it because you don't think you could be a good father? Or because you don't want to change your lifestyle?
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dedewhale
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« Reply #17 on: May 10, 2008, 05:39:17 PM »

Quote from: Crux on May 10, 2008, 04:18:34 PM

Question then becomes, why aren't you ready? Is it because you don't think you could be a good father? Or because you don't want to change your lifestyle?

I think I would be a very good father. It is purely a lifestyle thing.
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« Reply #18 on: May 10, 2008, 05:55:39 PM »

The male biological clock does not have an alarm. Or if it does, it's got a good snooze alarm. Maybe you can trade in your 40-year-old gf for two 20s.  icon_wink
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« Reply #19 on: May 10, 2008, 06:33:13 PM »

Quote from: Ironrod on May 10, 2008, 05:55:39 PM

The male biological clock does not have an alarm. Or if it does, it's got a good snooze alarm. Maybe you can trade in your 40-year-old gf for two 20s.  icon_wink

This is my plan should the current girlfriend's alarm ever hit.  Younger models have less miles on that odometer.

In all honesty dede, it's a good thing you got it out in the open.  You're right, it is a lifestyle choice.  Part of that choice is limiting your dating/relationship choices because as everyone has stated, most women DO want kids.  If I was ever to become single again and actually interested in a girl beyond a few dates, it would certainly be one of the first things brought up in conversation.  For me, it's a deal killer - you want kids, we can't be together.  For you it might be a shade of gray.  For others it may be the other way around.

Stick to your guns if you're sure it's what you want.

gellar

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« Reply #20 on: May 10, 2008, 07:01:26 PM »

I am currently thinking about this as I am a couple years from the dreaded thirties. When I was 21, I wanted to be married and have at least one kid by 30. I am neither married, nor anywhere near ready for kids (in all fairness, the marriage thing is not my choice, but thats another story). So...do I still want kids? I dunno-if I remain a career bachelor as I am threatening to do, probably not, no. If I get in a serious relationship around this age, well it gets harder to find ANY woman whose biological clock is not ticking, and if I am starting over in a relationship, I am not rushing into marriage, and god help me if I do get married, I want at least a couple years to have fun in married life before completing setting my life aside for kids.

Anyways, I don't really have a point beyond the fact that I am very ambivalent about having kids anymore-and the reason is that I am not sure if and when I am going to be willing to give up enough of myself and my time to be the best father I can be.
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« Reply #21 on: May 10, 2008, 07:28:22 PM »

I married at 30 and had 3 kids. I couldn't imagine my life without them. That being said I totally respect someone who doesn't want to have kids, for what ever reason.

Now at almost 54, the wife and I are already talking about how much fun it will be to have grand-kids one day. None of my children are married yet(23,21,19)


Today I asked my two boys to help me with a run to the local land-fill. We're moving in july and have been in this current house for 10 years. So I rented a 14 foot truck and got rid of 10years worth of junk. I had so much fun with my boys doing this I just knew the choice to have kids was a good one.(the odd days I thought different, not too many, but like anything you have bad days and wish you'd made other choices)

You did the right thing laying the cards on the table. Yes its sad for your girlfriend, especially if she loves you. But doing the right thing doesn't always mean the easy way.
Don't feel guilty in the slightest bit if you don't want to have children. No one said you have to define your life by being a parent. But for some of us, thats what life is all about.

I hope you guys can work it out, if not you still did the right thing.

All the best.
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« Reply #22 on: May 10, 2008, 07:45:51 PM »

dede - why does she feel she needs to have a child?  Is it because she just "wants to get her genes out there", or is it because she wants to have a child that she sees develop into a wonderful member of society.  You actually sound like you're more ready for a child than your gf.  Seems like an increasing proportion of our society just have them "on accident" or "want a baby cuz their friend has one".

Also, there are important things to consider like if something happened to oen of you (illness etc).  I'd always planned on having children because I love them, but my terrible health meant it just wasn't going to be possible.
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« Reply #23 on: May 10, 2008, 07:57:02 PM »

I'm about your age and have a similar point of view.  Luckily, my family isn't make a big deal about it.  However, I've also generally been dating women who already have had kids so that it isn't a big issue.

You know what you want out of your life and shouldn't care what other people think in that regard. 

That said, a lot of guys end up having kids before they are "ready."  Sometimes agreeing to have kids becomes a requirement for the relationship to continue.  Only you can know if your desire to stay with your girlfriend is more important than your desire to stay kid free. 
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dedewhale
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« Reply #24 on: May 10, 2008, 07:59:02 PM »

well I am not sure what her entire motivation is. She really wants them. She has had a couple relationships one 10 year which did not produce children, but I dont think she was trying. But I always think at those times she felt well it will be later in life, now that she is facing 40...there is very small window for later in life.

Well I have not heard from her since our talk. I left her a voicemail and sent a text to check up on her but I know her and she has not been handling stress very well and probably lying in her appartment in a depression. It just tears me up when she is sad....her problems become global and she barely functions.
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« Reply #25 on: May 10, 2008, 08:19:19 PM »

Don't be surprised if she is pissed instead of depressed.

She has a big decision to make.
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« Reply #26 on: May 10, 2008, 09:36:29 PM »

Now that I'm in my 50s, and seeing some of my older friends fall by the wayside, I occasionally wish that I had adult children to help me out from time to time. That feeling will probably strengthen as I myself lose vigor. There's no guarantee that your children will care for you in your dotage, and it was not worth the 20+ years of deprivation required to get there. I never wanted to live the responsible parental lifestyle and would have been miserable doing it. (By "parental lifestyle" I mean holding a secure, high-paying job, owning a too-big house and driving too-big cars, worrying about the school system, scheduling my days around childhood activities, having to vacation in child-friendly places -- all the normal stuff that most people seem contented with, or at least resigned to.)   
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dedewhale
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« Reply #27 on: May 10, 2008, 09:47:25 PM »

Quote from: Zekester on May 10, 2008, 08:19:19 PM

Don't be surprised if she is pissed instead of depressed.

She has a big decision to make.

I would welcome pissed or angry
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« Reply #28 on: May 10, 2008, 11:13:05 PM »

being single is a far superior choice to being stuck in an unwanted/burdensome relationship
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« Reply #29 on: May 10, 2008, 11:29:18 PM »

Quote from: hitbyambulance on May 10, 2008, 11:13:05 PM

being single is a far superior choice to being stuck in an unwanted/burdensome relationship

Wise words.

The right relationship is the best situation to be in. Single is better than being in a bad relationship, as that would make two (or more) people miserable instead of, at worst, one. icon_wink
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« Reply #30 on: May 10, 2008, 11:30:34 PM »

Quote from: Ironrod on May 10, 2008, 09:36:29 PM

Now that I'm in my 50s, and seeing some of my older friends fall by the wayside, I occasionally wish that I had adult children to help me out from time to time. That feeling will probably strengthen as I myself lose vigor. There's no guarantee that your children will care for you in your dotage, and it was not worth the 20+ years of deprivation required to get there. I never wanted to live the responsible parental lifestyle and would have been miserable doing it. (By "parental lifestyle" I mean holding a secure, high-paying job, owning a too-big house and driving too-big cars, worrying about the school system, scheduling my days around childhood activities, having to vacation in child-friendly places -- all the normal stuff that most people seem contented with, or at least resigned to.)   

or in my case, the stuff that I found made life worthwhile and meaningful.

Because I did it for someone else other than myself. That has always brought me the greatest satisfaction in life. Its when I was single and selfish that I was also the most loneliest.

To each his own.
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« Reply #31 on: May 11, 2008, 12:47:50 AM »

Quote from: NetGuy on May 10, 2008, 02:43:43 PM

One that that really caught my attention in your post was your gf saying "Why am I wasting my time?"

That bothers me.  To me, serious relationships involve two people who really want to be with each other.  You gf's comment makes it sound like she's only using you as a tool to acquire children.  :-/  That would BOTHER me.  In fact that's what bothers me about women and children in relationships in general.  It certainly *seems*, from an outside view, like the priorities in most women's life are:
1) children
2) children
3) children
.
.
.
x) significant other.

I'm just too selfish for that frown  Not sure I could handle not being the most important person in my gf/wife's life.

I also noticed one of the replies mentioned that there was a lot of pressure from friends/family asking when women are going to have kids.   So f'ing what?  Living your life to please other people is never a good idea.  If them asking is bothering you or adding to your stress level tell them to respect your wishes and mind their own business. 

To make you feel a little less alien, I don't have any sort of burning desire to have children either... I just don't.
see.
the.
appeal.

However, I haven't totally ruled  it out.  I might have one down the road (certainly no more)

I disagree with the first section of your reply.  Having a family is a huge factor in forming a marriage.  You must think is this the person I would want to raise a child with?  I do not mean to disparage those who do not want to have children.  I have no problem with that view.  I also applaud dedewhale openly stating his opinion.  The question of children/no children is a critical issue with a marriage.  Expectations must be stated and understood.
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« Reply #32 on: May 11, 2008, 01:32:16 AM »

It's a very hard thing to know for sure.  I had never been around children for the majority of my life and those drove me crazy.   Well my gf made it very clear that her alarm was bonging and having a child was the most important thing.  I didn't take it too well because it was really brought up in the way that the child was much more important than me.

So at 34 she ambushed me and I found out on New Year's Eve that we were going to have a child.  We were married in February and I was terrified for the next 9 months.  A child at 35...am I going to be a good father?  Is this going to be a good thing??

Well, 8+ years later and it's the best thing that ever happen to me.  I know that you hear it from every parent but truthfully; children are amazing.  You think that you know love with your wife/gf...but wait until you see your child born and growing up in front of your eyes...and they have such unconditional love.

I was in a very similar situation but would not change it for the world.
« Last Edit: May 11, 2008, 01:35:11 AM by WYBaugh8 » Logged
Arnir
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« Reply #33 on: May 11, 2008, 06:17:09 AM »

It sounds like both of you have some decisions to make.  No one should be forced to become a parent if they don't want to.  And if you don't want to give up your lifestyle for a child then you shouldn't do so.  Your girlfriend, if she really wants a child, should say thanks but no thanks and get rid of you.  Many women feel that a child is integral to a fulfilled life.  Not all, but many.  If the two of you can't support each other, it is better to find people who can.  I have serveral friends thinking about these issues and many of them think about the "what if" factor 20 years down the road.

"Why am I wasting my time" isn't a big deal to me, or at least to my understanding it.  It sounds like she took the news as a body blow and reacted emotionally.  Of course, did she mean wasting her time trying to have a child, wasting her time with you or just wasting her time on Earth?  Some very important distinctions there.  Hopefully she didn't mean the latter.  Some open communication is necesary, but, of course, she needs to talk to you for that to happen.

Which would you consider to be worse: a life with her and a child, or a life without her?  Seems like that is an important question to answer.
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« Reply #34 on: May 11, 2008, 12:46:05 PM »

Quote from: dedewhale on May 10, 2008, 05:39:17 PM

Quote from: Crux on May 10, 2008, 04:18:34 PM

Question then becomes, why aren't you ready? Is it because you don't think you could be a good father? Or because you don't want to change your lifestyle?

I think I would be a very good father. It is purely a lifestyle thing.

If it is just a lifestyle thing, and you're telling yourself  'in another year or five' then you should sit down and think about it seriously, right the heck now. Again I can't tell you how ultimately unready I was to change my lifestyle. It was the one thing I dreaded most about the thought of having children. I wanted to travel more first. I wanted to play games more. I wanted to just be able to do whatever I wanted more. But I love my wife. I truly love her. And I knew it would break her heart if we didn't have kids. I also knew it would be really selfish of me to cause that for her just so I could delay what I did want and live selfishly for another year or three.

And I cannot begin to tell you how much my perceptions have changed in the last 9 months. Now I want to travel even more... so I can share it with my daughter. I can't wait til she grows up enough to play video games with. Really I'm just super-excited for her arrival in the next day or two. It hasn't just been a life-changing experience so far... it has been a ME-changing experience.

Now I'm not saying it would be identical for you. I'm not saying you should do this because I did it. I *am* saying if you truly care about this woman, then you need to sit down and think about what it is you want out of life. Because if she's a part of that want, you had better be ready to either lose her completely, or even worse, not lose her but have her heart-broken for the rest of her life.
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« Reply #35 on: May 11, 2008, 02:08:52 PM »

Children carry disease.
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« Reply #36 on: May 11, 2008, 02:56:26 PM »

Quote from: Arclight on May 10, 2008, 11:30:34 PM

Quote from: Ironrod on May 10, 2008, 09:36:29 PM

Now that I'm in my 50s, and seeing some of my older friends fall by the wayside, I occasionally wish that I had adult children to help me out from time to time. That feeling will probably strengthen as I myself lose vigor. There's no guarantee that your children will care for you in your dotage, and it was not worth the 20+ years of deprivation required to get there. I never wanted to live the responsible parental lifestyle and would have been miserable doing it. (By "parental lifestyle" I mean holding a secure, high-paying job, owning a too-big house and driving too-big cars, worrying about the school system, scheduling my days around childhood activities, having to vacation in child-friendly places -- all the normal stuff that most people seem contented with, or at least resigned to.)   

or in my case, the stuff that I found made life worthwhile and meaningful.

Because I did it for someone else other than myself. That has always brought me the greatest satisfaction in life. Its when I was single and selfish that I was also the most loneliest.

To each his own.

Yes, it's purely a matter of opinion. I knew very early on that I did not want to live that life -- whenever anyone would say "...when you have children of your own..." I always answered "I'm not going to have children." I didn't even like children when I was one. Maybe that's genetic. I'm descended from a long line of people who didn't have children.  icon_lol
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« Reply #37 on: May 11, 2008, 06:20:18 PM »

It took guts to tell her - congrats to you! If she absolutely has to have a man who wants kids and you don't, then it's time to part ways.

Don't give in to her wishes if they aren't yours also. It'll only lead to misery in the future.

P.S. Does she even know if she is capable of having kids? Everybody assumes they can and many find out otherwise. She may lose you and then find out someday she can't have kids and could have had you!
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« Reply #38 on: May 11, 2008, 08:10:10 PM »

As another who doesn't want kids, I've been through this exact scenario a few times.  Suffice it to say that I am certain that I don't want kids and that society *generally* thinks this is an odd choice, but I know what's right for me and ultimately I can't compromise my life (or that of at least two other people) on the hope that "...it's all different when you have your OWN kids..."

Anyway, here's an interesting datapoint:

Quote
"People are extremely happy before they have children and then their happiness goes down, and it takes another big hit when kids reach adolescence.

"When does it come back to it's original baseline? Oh, about the time the children grow up and go away."

Explaining why the statistics conflicted with most people's view of parenthood, Prof Gilbert made the unusual comparison to buying a pair of Armani socks.

"When people own Armani socks they can't stop telling you they are the best socks, the most amazing socks," he said.

"(But) I suspect that one of the reasons that people who own Armani socks think they are wonderful is because they have paid $85 for a pair.

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« Reply #39 on: May 11, 2008, 09:27:32 PM »

Quote from: Geezer on May 11, 2008, 08:10:10 PM

As another who doesn't want kids, I've been through this exact scenario a few times.  Suffice it to say that I am certain that I don't want kids and that society *generally* thinks this is an odd choice, but I know what's right for me and ultimately I can't compromise my life (or that of at least two other people) on the hope that "...it's all different when you have your OWN kids..."

Anyway, here's an interesting datapoint:

Quote
"People are extremely happy before they have children and then their happiness goes down, and it takes another big hit when kids reach adolescence.

"When does it come back to it's original baseline? Oh, about the time the children grow up and go away."

Explaining why the statistics conflicted with most people's view of parenthood, Prof Gilbert made the unusual comparison to buying a pair of Armani socks.

"When people own Armani socks they can't stop telling you they are the best socks, the most amazing socks," he said.

"(But) I suspect that one of the reasons that people who own Armani socks think they are wonderful is because they have paid $85 for a pair.



I'm certainly NOT going to say that kids are for everyone. They aren't. In fact, far too many people have kids who shouldn't have kids. Or who didn't actually mean to have kids. I think that those people skew the outlook for the deliberate, well prepared parents who approach it with the right mindset. The well-adjusted parents I know don't just pretend to be happy with their decision to have children. They truly are happy. Of course, the credibility of anyone who compares having a child to buying a pair of Armani socks is suspect at the best of times.
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