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Author Topic: Happy Tell a Joke Day!  (Read 608 times)
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CeeKay
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La-bibbida-bibba-dum! La-bibbida-bibba-do!


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« on: August 16, 2009, 05:03:51 PM »

A middle eastern king was down on his money and began to sell off his valuables. The last of these was the Star of the Euphrates, at that time the most valuable diamond in existence. He went to a pawnbroker who offered him 100,000 rials for it. "Are you crazy?", said the king. "I paid one million rials for this gem! Don't you know who I am?"

The pawnbroker replied, "When you wish to pawn a star, makes no difference who you are."


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Moliere
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« Reply #1 on: August 16, 2009, 06:43:31 PM »

3 old ladies are sitting on a park bench when a flasher comes up and opens his trench coat. The first old lady has a stroke. The second old lady has a stroke. And the third old lady couldn't reach.
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DarkEL
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« Reply #2 on: August 16, 2009, 07:28:23 PM »

Geek Joke

A SQL query goes into a bar, walks up to two tables and asks, "Can I join you?"
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Booner
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« Reply #3 on: August 16, 2009, 07:53:16 PM »

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom.

A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming.

"What's all the screaming about in there?" he yells. "You're scaring my customers!"

"I'm just sitting here on the toilet," slurs the drunk, "and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my nuts."

The bartender opens the door, looks in, and says, "You idiot!

You're sitting on the mop bucket!"
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naednek
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« Reply #4 on: August 16, 2009, 09:42:54 PM »

Larry was late getting home from his accounting job. 
When he arrived, his wife asks, "what took you so long?" 
He said, "I stopped and got a tattoo." 
She asked of what and where. 
He replied, "a dollar bill on my penis." 
She asked, "why would an accountant get a dollar bill tattooed on his penis? 
Larry said, "Well, you know I like to see my money grow.  I like the way it feels in my hands.  I like to play with my money and the next time you want to go shopping and blow a few hundred bucks, you can stay home and blow them here."
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Hiccup
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« Reply #5 on: August 17, 2009, 12:39:07 PM »

A cop comes around a curve in the road and sees a bad accident.

A man and a woman both dead from a car crash. The accident seems to have no explanation but he looks up on the hill and sees a monkey waving his arms at him as if to say something.

The cop says, "hey monkey ... you know what happened?"

monkey: Motioning with his arms drinking a bottle of some kind
cop: "They were drinking?"
monkey: Nods head vigorously
cop: "What else?"
monkey: Mimes smoking a joint
cop: "They were smoking dope?"
monkey: Nods head vigorously
cop: "There must have been more. This is a very strange accident. Monkey! What else?"
monkey: Mimics sexual relations
cop: "They were screwing?"
monkey: Nods very vigorously
cop: "This still doesn't make any sense. Hey monkey! What were you doing to know all this?"
monkey: makes motion as if he were driving and looking behind him

#2
A man reads in the paper of a white gorilla in a zoo far away, and he decides that he has to see it. Because he's afraid of flying, the journey will be a long and arduous one but he simply cannot resist. He sets out on his trip and travels by car to the docks, and catches a boat across a huge ocean. After weeks of sea travel he arrives at the other side and takes a train to the zoo.

When he sees the white gorilla he can't believe his eyes, it's the most beautiful thing he's ever seen. He simply must get a closer look, so he goes to the zoo manager and begs to be allowed into the gorilla's cage.

After much arguing the man finally persuades the manager to let him in to the gorilla's cage, but before he does he tells the man that whatever he does he must not, under any circumstances, touch the white gorilla. The man agrees and is led to the cage.

He tiptoes into the cage and is amazed, the gorilla is even more beautiful close up than it was from a distance. The white gorilla just sits quietly and looks at the man. After a while the man gets use to being so close to the gorilla and it seems so peaceful and calm that he starts to think that there can't be any harm in touching it. He slowly moves closer and closer to it, all the time the white gorilla just looks calmly at him. He reaches out his arm and gently touches the gorilla.

Just as his hand makes contact the gorilla jumps up and starts roaring. The man turns and runs to the exit, getting there just before the gorilla. He leaps through the door and the keepers slam the door just in time.

The gorilla pulls at the door and to the man's horror the bars start to bend. The man runs out of the zoo and to the train station and jumps on the train, which as luck would have it is just leaving. He glances back and can see the gorilla chasing after the train, but not gaining on it. The train arrives at the docks and the man quickly scampers aboard the boat.

The boat leaves and the man thinks he's safe at last. He relaxes and starts to enjoy the leisurely cruise back across the ocean. The day they're due back in port he's walking on deck when he sees a small shape in the water trailing behind the boat. He can't make it out so he borrows a pair of binoculars from someone. He focuses on the small shape and is horrified to discover that it's the white gorilla, swimming behind the boat.

The boat then arrives in port and the man hurries through customs and rushes to his car. He drives off just in time to see the gorilla climbing out of the ocean from his rear view mirror. He drives as fast as he can to his house and runs in locking the door behind him. All the time being followed be the huge white gorilla. The gorilla starts pounding on the door and having seen what it did to the cage at the zoo the man knows it won't take it very long to get in. He runs from room to room trying to think of a place he can hide. He hears the door shatter and dives into a wardrobe and pulls the door closed behind him. Outside the gorilla is going mad trying to find the man, he's ripping things up and tearing out doors. Finally he comes to the wardrobe the man is hiding in and rips the door off. The gorilla sees the man and smiles, reaches out a massive hand and gently touches him and says...

"Tag, you're it".
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naednek
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« Reply #6 on: August 17, 2009, 05:09:50 PM »

You are traveling in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a
double decker bus and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at
the same speed as you.

In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car
and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at
ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling
at the same speed as you.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Spoiler for Hiden:
Answer:
Get off the children's Merry Go Round, you're hammered.
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sgoldj
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« Reply #7 on: August 17, 2009, 05:48:27 PM »

An amphibian goes to a bank to borrow money for a house.  The only thing he has for collateral is a kitchy tiki statue.  The officer in charge, Ms. Patricia Whack, brings the application to the vice president with her concerns..... no solid income, no real collateral, etc.

The VP looks over the statue and says:
"Its a knick-knack, Patty Whack.
Give the Frog a Loan."
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CeeKay
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La-bibbida-bibba-dum! La-bibbida-bibba-do!


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« Reply #8 on: September 02, 2009, 02:43:17 PM »

sure, Joke Day 2009 has come and gone, but this was too good to pass up:

Hola, happy hump day! Here's a joke, courtesy of Ensaine.

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father.. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration... 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew, And his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'

'Four months vacation and five good leads.'
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