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Eel Snave
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« on: January 01, 2015, 04:48:39 PM »

So my marriage is on the rocks. We've been married 11 years now, and I've realized a few things:

1) The only reason we ended up together is because I pitied her when we met because she had a bad father growing up.
2) Also, we were in the same religion. Now I no longer am.

That's pretty much all we had in common.

However, we have a child, and after I told her that I wasn't in love with her and realized that I never really was, she found out that she's pregnant. For real, I saw the pregnancy test and everything. So, now I have a problem.

Here's what I want to know: Those of you who've had relationships that have lasted a while, have you ever gone through this? Is this a failing on my part? Am I a shithead for even considering leaving, especially considering the circumstances? I love my child more than anything, and I don't want to feel like I'm abandoning him.

Shit, what do I do?
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Ironrod
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« Reply #1 on: January 01, 2015, 11:53:59 PM »

Geez, man, that's a hard question. In the 35 years I've been with my wife, I've fallen out of and back into love a couple of times. 31 years ago I got up in front of all of my friends and family and solemnly vowed to stick with her for life, no matter what. I still take that seriously so I have a high threshold for divorce -- basically, "I changed my mind" doesn't cut it. Absent abuse or infidelity we are yoked for life. In my experience, if you wait out the bad times, better times eventually return. But she and I have always been friends and still are.

You say that you never loved your wife to begin with, so that's a different situation. And we never had children, so that's another different situation. I don't know what advice to give you except that staying together for the sake of the children usually doesn't make anybody happy. Shared custody seems to work out pretty well for most people...but I don't have any personal experience with that.

Do you like your wife at all? Might you be able to love her with some effort? Does she like/love you? "Get counseling" is an obvious answer if the underlying emotional connection is there.
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Gratch
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« Reply #2 on: January 02, 2015, 06:38:26 AM »

Tough situation.  I'll mostly just do a "ditto" on what Ironrod said, especially about the high threshold for divorce.  Mrs. Gratch and I have had our fair share of issues over the 17 years we've been together (including a religion issue very similar to yours), but giving up or splitting up has just simply never been an option.  That said, the idea of not being in love with my wife is completely foreign to me, so I'm not sure what to tell you on that front.

You mostly need to communicate with her.  See if there's some common ground you can start from.  See if there's a possibility of rebuilding.  Does she feel the same, and just want to call it quits?  Get a professional to talk to about it.  Good luck man.
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Harpua3
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« Reply #3 on: January 02, 2015, 11:07:49 AM »

Okay here it is! I believe that's, to some extent, pretty normal. As the others have mentioned, my situation isn't like yours but... Sure, there has been times when I think fuck this, I'm out! But, it hasn't happened. Yet. There are things that always make me know that despite some problems, which everyone has, I'm really in the best seat in the house so to speak. I recently quit my job because it was driving me crazy. She TOLD me to do that. I've been playing a shit ton of music recently and have some biggish shows booked in and out of town. She is cool w that. I've been stressed bc I haven't even begun to figure out what I'll do next. She says, " enjoy the holidays, you'll figure it out". After band practices a few of us precede to get hammered so I stay at my keyboard players house, if I let her know what's up, no problem.

Sure, I realistically could find someone younger etc., but why when this beautiful woman in everyway possible is about as close to perfection for me would I do anything deferent. Trust me, I... We have discussed this before, and we are in some fucked up way, meant to be together.

I also agree there is a thershold. At the end of the day, you need to be happy. Therapy might a good option to try so you can both be happy whichever way it falls. Some things work and some don't. If I knew all the involved factors trust me I'd share.
« Last Edit: January 02, 2015, 11:09:51 AM by Harpua3 » Logged
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« Reply #4 on: January 02, 2015, 02:07:49 PM »

My wife and I had some pretty heavy discussions in the past week or so- getting some really hurtful things on the table. Admittedly, most of them are my fault.  I am so optimistic right now about how we've recalibrated some things so that we will continue to grow and grow back together that I'm bursting with a joy I haven't known in a long time.

It will take an incredible amount of work.

Three things that differ from you:

1. We've never even considered divorce and never will. We promised that to each other long before we were married.

2. We are diving back in full hearted into seeking God again. Not with the scraps of our time, but as a priority and together.  I still contend that you truly need to seek Christ absent the lies of your former religion.

3. I am madly truly deeply in love with my wife and always have been.  You say you're not and never have been. Frankly, I think you're full of shit.  I think you're going through a patch where it's not what it is supposed to be in your head, or you've changed and are becoming more selfish.  No offense.

Also, 'not having anything in common' is easily fixable. But you have to be willing to work at it.
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th'FOOL
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« Reply #5 on: January 02, 2015, 03:42:48 PM »

I've always maintained that the key to any relationship is how much of the other person's shit you're willing to put up with.
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« Reply #6 on: January 02, 2015, 04:17:23 PM »

I don't post here much, but I'll offer my 2 cents anyway.

Love and like are two different things.  You can absolutely love someone without liking them.  Love is an action.  It is something you do whether you currently like someone or not. 

Like is a feeling.  Personally, I believe everyone doesn't 'like' their wife at some point, but that is always changing. 

Regardless of your current level of like, you made a commitment to love your wife when you get married.  Love is an action, not a feeling.
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Harpua3
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« Reply #7 on: January 02, 2015, 05:24:31 PM »

Quote from: th'FOOL on January 02, 2015, 03:42:48 PM

I've always maintained that the key to any relationship is how much of the other person's shit you're willing to put up with.
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SkyLander
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« Reply #8 on: January 04, 2015, 08:19:30 PM »

I would argue a marriage counselor would be good to go to.
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« Reply #9 on: January 05, 2015, 06:15:15 PM »

Quote from: dobberhd on January 02, 2015, 04:17:23 PM


Love and like are two different things.  You can absolutely love someone without liking them.  Love is an action. 

I would argue that you're describing the physical act and not the kind of love that should result in a marriage in the first place.
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« Reply #10 on: January 05, 2015, 08:49:56 PM »

First thing to realize is that you are no abandoning your child IF you chose to leave the relationship. This point cannot be underscored - please realize this.

I'm going to be honest with you as you have some 'similar' things in your relationship that I have experienced.

I was married for 12yrs and have a son too.

I married for the wrong reasons and knew this from day 1 but stuck it out because:
  • I did not want to be my parents (failed marriage)
  • I did honestly think that I was in love
  • Other BS that you tell yourself to stay in it
I waited WAY TOO LONG to pull the plug on the marriage and as a result all 3 of us suffered. But I can tell you with the utmost honesty and assurance that it was the best decision in my life. There was no infidelity, drugs or booze or any of the Hollywood drama you may have read or heard about with other couples.

Did it hurt? Sure.
Was it scary? Sure.
Did I come out on the other end? (still a process) Yes
Do I get along with my ex? Yes

Looking back would I make the same decision to end the marriage? Yes

She has gone on to meet another man and is happy and I have been in a relationship with another woman for the past 6-7 months. It took me just over 2yrs to be 'ready' to date again and in that time I learned a great deal about myself.

Don't waste any more of your life is my advice. You may continue to experience (as I did) more and more resentment towards her and grow further and further apart.


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rittchard
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« Reply #11 on: January 06, 2015, 12:40:04 AM »

Quote from: ATB on January 02, 2015, 02:07:49 PM

3. I am madly truly deeply in love with my wife and always have been.  You say you're not and never have been. Frankly, I think you're full of shit.  I think you're going through a patch where it's not what it is supposed to be in your head, or you've changed and are becoming more selfish.  No offense.

Also, 'not having anything in common' is easily fixable. But you have to be willing to work at it.

I thought these were some very interesting points. Both of these ideas ("never in love" and "nothing in common") seem to be similar thoughts I hear from friends (and myself I suppose) any time they ostensibly are looking for a way out.  You can really convince yourself of anything when you are trying to justify a position.  Time and circumstance have a funny way of skewing our perspectives to focus only on the bad memories, so I would echo the sentiment of seeking counseling and really figuring some things out.  Try to put yourself back in time; something drew you to your wife at some point - enough to want to get married - and it's hard to believe it was only out of "pity".  I've had discussions with one of my best friends who seems to constantly be on the brink of divorce, and it's very interesting to me how over the years, as things have not gone well, how he will rewrite history in his head.  I challenged him a couple of times and it helped him realize feelings and details he had conveniently forgotten. 

Now maybe none of that matters because you are truly, utterly unhappy, and the only solution is to get out sooner rather than later.  But personally I would want to be certain it's not that you have just convinced yourself of that because it's an easier route to take.  I think one of the best ways to gain clarity is to seek professional guidance.  I used to be reluctant, but in later years I found it extremely useful to have an unbiased party to talk to and help provide an alternative perspective.  If you don't talk about things, it's very easy to get stuck in your own head.  (Sidebar: one of my favorite "exercises" a therapist mentioned to me was to try this: when your partner is telling you something, just completely focus in on him/her and do nothing but actually listen to what they are saying.  It can be a jarring experience, because it makes you realize how time can make you pretty much indifferent to what they are saying, and then you wonder how much damage that does to a relationship.)

- - -

To answer the original question, from what I've heard, it seems very common to couples who have been together for extended periods of time.  It's easy to take things for granted.  I don't think you're a shithead for considering leaving, but I do think you should take a moment to truly consider everything.  It's possible, as an example, this is just a "fight or flight" reaction and you are simply overwhelmed with the prospect of having a kid and having that define your future.
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« Reply #12 on: January 07, 2015, 02:09:35 AM »

As i mentioned before, my wife and I had a pretty big flare up at the end of 2014.  A lot of it had to do with the way that I (almost always) unintentionally make her feel...less than and/or prove her side of a decision.  Other areas included how selfish I've become with my time.

During this HEATED back and forth she said a few things specifically that resonated with me.  So now, every day I ask her three things before we go to sleep:

1. Have I made you feel loved today?
2. Have I made you feel cherished today?
3. Have I led you spiritually today?

These three questions and the impacts they've had on how i approach everything in the relationship have renewed an amazing sense of joy in our relationship.  It's pretty awesome and I praise God fo rit.

I think if you can get past the revisionist history (as rittchard so amazingly put it) that you never loved her and start asking these questions to her things will be illuminated in your character (and hers) and how you treat her that will allow you to heal and reunite.



« Last Edit: January 07, 2015, 02:12:37 AM by ATB » Logged
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« Reply #13 on: January 07, 2015, 04:58:54 PM »

I like the revision line, too. An important counterpoint.

But, as someone who believes that the only proof of a spiritual world is based on the the way the universe reacts to positivity, I could see myself resenting someone who was a hardcore religious fanatic.

When you stepped away from that religion, I think you knew this was a likely consequence. Is she willing to accept you as a free-thinking person?

I lived for YEARS walking on eggshells. It is no way to live. You, and they, need to be able to be themselves. This is where recalibration (as ATB mentioned) would need to happen, and it can't just be lip service. This is where the hard work is.

Regardless, bes t of luck, and be grateful for the experiences you've had and continue to have.
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Gratch
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« Reply #14 on: January 07, 2015, 08:06:45 PM »

Quote from: ATB on January 07, 2015, 02:09:35 AM

So now, every day I ask her three things before we go to sleep:

1. Have I made you feel loved today?
2. Have I made you feel cherished today?


I really like this.  I need to be far more proactive with these in my marriage as well, as I tend to really take her for granted.  This sort of daily affirmation will be a really good place to start.

Thanks for this input ATB.   thumbsup
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rittchard
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« Reply #15 on: January 07, 2015, 08:59:43 PM »

Quote from: Gratch on January 07, 2015, 08:06:45 PM

Quote from: ATB on January 07, 2015, 02:09:35 AM

So now, every day I ask her three things before we go to sleep:

1. Have I made you feel loved today?
2. Have I made you feel cherished today?


I really like this.  I need to be far more proactive with these in my marriage as well, as I tend to really take her for granted.  This sort of daily affirmation will be a really good place to start.

Thanks for this input ATB.   thumbsup

Very nice!  But as I mentioned before, you might even want to start with something even simpler/easier: just try actually listening to your partner with your full attention; they probably crave that more than anything else on a day to day basis.
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« Reply #16 on: January 07, 2015, 09:35:10 PM »

Here's a question - how does she feel about you? If there is nothing coming your way there is little incentive in prescribing to ATBs Rx.
(although it is nice - just don't tell him that) icon_lol
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« Reply #17 on: January 07, 2015, 11:32:48 PM »

Quote from: rittchard on January 07, 2015, 08:59:43 PM

Quote from: Gratch on January 07, 2015, 08:06:45 PM

Quote from: ATB on January 07, 2015, 02:09:35 AM

So now, every day I ask her three things before we go to sleep:

1. Have I made you feel loved today?
2. Have I made you feel cherished today?


I really like this.  I need to be far more proactive with these in my marriage as well, as I tend to really take her for granted.  This sort of daily affirmation will be a really good place to start.

Thanks for this input ATB.   thumbsup

Very nice!  But as I mentioned before, you might even want to start with something even simpler/easier: just try actually listening to your partner with your full attention; they probably crave that more than anything else on a day to day basis.

Heh.  I sell 7 Habits of Highly Effective People training for a living.  You think I would have figured out that whole Habit 5 ("seek first to understand, then to be understood") thing by now.  smile
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« Reply #18 on: January 08, 2015, 12:57:10 PM »

Quote from: Gratch on January 07, 2015, 08:06:45 PM

Quote from: ATB on January 07, 2015, 02:09:35 AM

So now, every day I ask her three things before we go to sleep:

1. Have I made you feel loved today?
2. Have I made you feel cherished today?


I really like this.  I need to be far more proactive with these in my marriage as well, as I tend to really take her for granted.  This sort of daily affirmation will be a really good place to start.

Thanks for this input ATB.   thumbsup

<cough> you left off the most important one. slywink
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« Reply #19 on: January 08, 2015, 02:53:24 PM »

Quote from: ATB on January 08, 2015, 12:57:10 PM

Quote from: Gratch on January 07, 2015, 08:06:45 PM

Quote from: ATB on January 07, 2015, 02:09:35 AM

So now, every day I ask her three things before we go to sleep:

1. Have I made you feel loved today?
2. Have I made you feel cherished today?


I really like this.  I need to be far more proactive with these in my marriage as well, as I tend to really take her for granted.  This sort of daily affirmation will be a really good place to start.

Thanks for this input ATB.   thumbsup

<cough> you left off the most important one. slywink

I don't think he did.

Leading someone else, in any aspect, is not a dynamic that works for a lot of people. Were I to ask the woman I'm dating if I'd led her on *anything*, I'm pretty sure she'd resent it.

Does your wife ask you the same questions? Is she responsible for fulfilling a different set of criteria, and how often does she "lead" in that regard?
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« Reply #20 on: January 08, 2015, 06:23:51 PM »

Quote from: Purge on January 08, 2015, 02:53:24 PM

Quote from: ATB on January 08, 2015, 12:57:10 PM

Quote from: Gratch on January 07, 2015, 08:06:45 PM

Quote from: ATB on January 07, 2015, 02:09:35 AM

So now, every day I ask her three things before we go to sleep:

1. Have I made you feel loved today?
2. Have I made you feel cherished today?


I really like this.  I need to be far more proactive with these in my marriage as well, as I tend to really take her for granted.  This sort of daily affirmation will be a really good place to start.

Thanks for this input ATB.   thumbsup

<cough> you left off the most important one. slywink

I don't think he did.

Leading someone else, in any aspect, is not a dynamic that works for a lot of people. Were I to ask the woman I'm dating if I'd led her on *anything*, I'm pretty sure she'd resent it.

Does your wife ask you the same questions? Is she responsible for fulfilling a different set of criteria, and how often does she "lead" in that regard?

Also ATB seems to be ignoring the fact that Lee's wife is Jehovahs Witness and he is not anymore. So him leading her spiritually is next to impossible at this point. People with differing religions are able to be in loving marriages all of the time so it seems to me Lee could do it too, he just can't have "god" as the most important thing in his relationship. In fact it really shouldn't be in it at all. A love for one's spouse has nothing to do with religious beliefs as far as I'm concerned.
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Harpua3
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« Reply #21 on: January 08, 2015, 08:35:33 PM »

While I disagree with some of the stuff being said here, this is a wonderful exchange of dialog.
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« Reply #22 on: January 09, 2015, 12:57:06 AM »

Quote from: Scraper on January 08, 2015, 06:23:51 PM

A love for one's spouse has nothing to do with religious beliefs as far as I'm concerned.

Well obviously a secular position.  A Christian would say it has EVERYTHING to do with it...hence why I think it's the most important one.  I'd still let you buy me a beer if we ever meet.   Fabulous

Wait. WRONG ICON. WRONG ICON!

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Lee
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« Reply #23 on: January 09, 2015, 01:10:00 AM »

As someone who sucks at relationships, I can't imagine asking a SO those questions. Shouldn't you just do the those things you need to do without asking?
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« Reply #24 on: January 09, 2015, 01:49:02 AM »

Quote from: ATB on January 09, 2015, 12:57:06 AM

Quote from: Scraper on January 08, 2015, 06:23:51 PM

A love for one's spouse has nothing to do with religious beliefs as far as I'm concerned.

Well obviously a secular position.  A Christian would say it has EVERYTHING to do with it...hence why I think it's the most important one.  I'd still let you buy me a beer if we ever meet.   Fabulous

Wait. WRONG ICON. WRONG ICON!

 The drink that never ends.
Did you just hit on me?  stirthepot
« Last Edit: January 09, 2015, 10:28:08 AM by Scraper » Logged

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« Reply #25 on: January 09, 2015, 03:06:14 AM »

Quote from: Scraper on January 09, 2015, 01:49:02 AM

Quote from: ATB on January 09, 2015, 12:57:06 AM

Quote from: Scraper on January 08, 2015, 06:23:51 PM

A love for one's spouse has nothing to do with religious beliefs as far as I'm concerned.

Well obviously a secular position.  A Christian would say it has EVERYTHING to do with it...hence why I think it's the most important one.  I'd still let you buy me a beer if we ever meet.   Fabulous

Wait. WRONG ICON. WRONG ICON!

 The drink that never ends.
Did you just hit on me? :-*

1. Did he make you feel loved today?
2. Did he make you feel cherished today?
3. Did he lead you spiritually today?
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« Reply #26 on: January 09, 2015, 05:12:24 AM »

Quote from: Lee on January 09, 2015, 01:10:00 AM

As someone who sucks at relationships, I can't imagine asking a SO those questions. Shouldn't you just do the those things you need to do without asking?

I don't intend on actually asking the questions, as I think that would be somewhat  silly. I like the idea, however, of keeping those questions in mind as guiding principles for the relationship.  My intent is to change my behavior and act in a way that I know she would answer yes to both questions (the spiritual one is a non-starter for us) if I were to ask.
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« Reply #27 on: January 09, 2015, 01:12:49 PM »

A great way to find out how someone feels you treat them is to ask.  Just saying.

I'm no expert obviously. YMMV.
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« Reply #28 on: January 09, 2015, 03:52:04 PM »

Sorry Lee, we hijacked your thread.

Any updates from your end?
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« Reply #29 on: January 09, 2015, 03:56:47 PM »

Quote from: ATB on January 09, 2015, 01:12:49 PM

A great way to find out how someone feels you treat them is to ask.

I think this is true.  Asking them a predefined set of questions may seem sort of ridiculous to us on the outside of the situation, but if ATB and his wife are trying to exit a rough patch and this is an exercise that makes them aware of the things they feel are important to keep in mind to strengthen their relationship, I don't think it's a crazy idea.

I'm curious why the god question is *the* most important one, though...  I just ask that as someone who has been in strong with the same woman for 21 years without there ever being any god involved and wondering what you think I'm missing.  I certainly don't feel a lack, and if it were the most important thing, I would imagine I'd notice after all this time.  

I'd say a really important questions to ask myself might be 'did I do my share of the housework today?', and 'did I change my share of poopy diapers today?'  Statistically, I think those are things that are identified most often as keys to happy relationships - sharing of housework and child rearing.

To the OP... it's one thing for love to wax and wane, that's normal, but if you truly feel it has never been present, then I don't think extracting yourself is the worst thing you could do.  It will obviously be hard and will have an impact on your lives and the lives of your children, but staying in a loveless marriage will also have an impact.  If you are miserable all the time, how can you possibly be the best parent you can be?  The thought of not living with my kids every day murders me, though, so I understand how hard it is to make that decision.  Good luck.
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« Reply #30 on: January 09, 2015, 04:15:28 PM »

Quote from: kratz on January 09, 2015, 03:56:47 PM

Quote from: ATB on January 09, 2015, 01:12:49 PM

A great way to find out how someone feels you treat them is to ask.


To the OP... it's one thing for love to wax and wane, that's normal, but if you truly feel it has never been present, then I don't think extracting yourself is the worst thing you could do.  It will obviously be hard and will have an impact on your lives and the lives of your children, but staying in a loveless marriage will also have an impact.  If you are miserable all the time, how can you possibly be the best parent you can be?  The thought of not living with my kids every day murders me, though, so I understand how hard it is to make that decision.  Good luck.

I completely agree with this. You can look at it from a mid life crisis point of view and say "you only live once". Do you really want to spend it with someone you truly don't love and have never loved? This isn't to say that I think Lee should get a divorce. BUT if he truly never loved her then I would say he deserves to go out and find love, the same goes for her. At the same time I could not handle the thought of my children living in a different home than me.  

The thing I can't understand is why someone would stop loving their wife because of differing religious beliefs. If you loved them prior to the difference then you should still be able to love them after the difference.
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Eel Snave
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« Reply #31 on: January 11, 2015, 06:51:56 PM »

Well, let me back up for a moment. The religion change isn't as simple as "We were both Catholic, now I'm Lutheran." We were Jehovah's Witnesses, and all of my friends were Jehovah's Witnesses. It's a cult, which I never realized until this past year. For those not in the know, the JWs demand FULL obedience to everything they teach. No questioning, no talkback. Just do what we say.

Well, one of their main teachings is that if you ARE a JW and you LEAVE the JWs, everyone who still IS a JW must shun you. That includes family. Now, that doesn't include people still living in your house, like my wife. However it DOES include HER immediate family and all of my friends. Also, if you're a JW, you're not allowed to hang out with people who aren't JWs in general.

So, my life, by definition, has to be completely separate from hers unless she quits the cult. She won't quit. She loves it too much.

On top of that, earlier this year I was going to try and gently fade and leave it. I had a lot on my mind, since I learned that everything I had been taught from childhood was wrong. I knew how it felt to be part of the Nazi party in Germany (Godwin'd!), because I kept asking myself, "How did I fall for this? How could I have been so weak?" My wife saw that something was wrong, and asked me, and I told her a little bit. I didn't give her the whole story because I didn't want to drag her out of the thing either. (One thing I learned about cults through all this is that you can't wake someone up unless they WANT to be. Otherwise, the process is extremely traumatic.)

Well, she started snooping. She read my Facebook messages where I reached out to my sister who had left a few years ago and friends that had left too. She read my emails. Then, she told the elders of the congregation about it before talking to me. That resulted in me getting cut off from everyone. She still doesn't understand why that was wrong of her to do, despite repeated attempts to explain it to her.

We've tried, over the years, to find other activities that we have in common, to make the Venn diagram of our lives overlap better. We tried tennis, exercizing, video games, board games, none of them worked. When we're at home we sit around and watch the same few TV series that she thinks are appropriate (30 Rock, Malcolm in the Middle, and Scrubs) or other shows that I have to prescreen to make sure there's no offensive content that would bother her. (Breaking Bad is right out.)

The only thing we have in common at this point, after 11 fucking years of marriage, is that we love our child. That's it. As far as how he should be raised, though, we differ. I want him to be the hell away from the Witnesses. I've taken him to birthday parties, Thanksgiving and Christmases. My wife hates that and gets weepy every time I talk about it. She wants him to be a good little JW, not thinking, just obeying.

Also, ATB, the Jesus suggestion is great, for me! I believe in Jesus! I pray to him on the regular. I don't necessarily UNDERSTAND it, but I do. She, however, would never, ever in a million years pray to Jesus because it's a sin to do so. So there we sit again: On opposite sides of a fence.

So, I kind of made my decision, sadly. We could conceivably stay together if we bother decide to never talk about anything that's truly important and keep our relationship superficial. We did for the last six months or so. That's not how I want to live, though. I don't want to be with a clone of myself, and I know marriage and relationships take a lot of work. But when there's nothing there, what else can you do but cut your losses?
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Ironrod
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« Reply #32 on: January 11, 2015, 07:50:50 PM »

In light of all that new information I'm inclined to agree with you. Short of deprogramming there isn't ever going to be a connection between you again...the barriers are firm and institutionalized. I don't think involuntary deprogramming is a thing for adults, or that it would work out well if it were.

I wonder if the courts consider JW to be a cult. If so that's a big thing in your favor when it comes to custody. 
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Harpua3
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« Reply #33 on: January 12, 2015, 08:13:16 PM »

Ug. Sorry to hear all of that. Doesn't sound promising to stay unfortunatley from my view.
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Roman
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« Reply #34 on: January 13, 2015, 03:41:01 PM »

While not 'awesome news' I am very happy that you made your decision. You will be happier for it now over time.

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Isgrimnur
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« Reply #35 on: January 13, 2015, 03:49:05 PM »

Yeah, given that the religious differences are as bad as they are, plus the breach of your privacy in snooping into your private communications, compounded with talking to others about something that resulted in a foreseeable outcome of shunning, there's not much there to try to rebuild on, I fear.

Obviously, the kid is going to be a major sticking point.  You're going to be tied to her forever through that connection.  But if you decided to punch out, fight for shared custody and make sure you keep the lawyers on a short leash for any breaches of custody arrangements.  You can serve as a counterpoint for your kid to a certain extent, and make sure that there's more than one point of view being demonstrated.

She's made a decision, if even by default, that her religion and that community are worth more to her than you are.  You have to put you and your kid in the first two slots, in whatever order.  While she may put the child first, there's going to be a lot of conflict in what that means to each of you. 
« Last Edit: January 13, 2015, 03:51:01 PM by Isgrimnur » Logged

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