The following e-mail was sent out to everyone at my wife's law school tonight. I've gone through and removed a few things, but otherwise left it in tact and this is hands-down one of the funniest and saddest things I've ever had the pleasure of putting out on the internet where it doesn't belong.
Greetings Future Lawyers! My name is *excised*, and
I am a 1L in section 1. To cut to the chase, this
email is a school wide broadcast about something I
know is on all of our minds, and something that is
especially close to my heart. Any guesses? That's
right, its the Barrister's Ball. I apologize up front
for my candor, and I know the ball is not coming up
immediately, but I am never one to leave anything to
chance, and the bottom line is, I need a date.
What exactly is a Barrister? (see generallywww.dictionary.com
where it says a barrister is
counsel admitted to plead at the bar and undertake the
public trial of causes in an English superior court;
compare to a solicitor). That is exactly what I am
doing, I am soliciting. Symbolic? Perhaps.
Poignant? Definitely. I know that traditionally men
invite women to dances, but in our everly progressive,
post-modern society, I think that if a woman wants
something, she should go get it.
I am including a picture of myself, and I am sure
alot of you will recognize me from school. I tend to
hang around the faculty offices, but I am up and down
the halls alot.
click to see my picture
After looking at my picture I am sure I have some
takers immediately, and while my looks are sufficient
to base a decision on, I would prefer to have a guy
ask me because of who I am. I have a big heart, and
an open mind. I love poetry, sappy movies, theater, 4
leaf clovers, massages, and romantic dinners. I also
have my wild side though. My parents have a new dodge
caravan that they let me take out on the weekends, and
me and my crew really dominate the downtown area with
it. I like hitting the ball too hard at the miniature
golf course, I don't wait 30 minutes after eating to
swim, and I am not scared of a little unplanned hand
holding. I am looking for a guy who is not scared of
a woman like me, but who looks forward to a spring
evening of spontaneity. I am going to wear a
strapless (calm down guys, I will either wear band-aids
or pasties underneath) dress to the dance that will be
short, but long enough to cover my slip. Closed towed
shoes? You betcha...I didnt watch Mtv's Wade Robson
Project for nothing! I mentioned the minivan earlier,
and my dad already said I could have it for the dance.
It is an '05 model and it has the leather package,
and the dvd player in it, so if the dance is lame we
can watch the English Patient or something.
I know I sent this email to the entire school,
and I have 2 points I would like to make about that.
1. I would be lying if I did not already have a short
list of people I would like to go with, and I would
feel ashamed if I did not give them all shout outs in
a) to the man that used to write the diary of a first
you student who was de-throned in an administrative
coupe' d'tat: I like your style, and I like your
moves. We need to meet.
b) to the 2L who is drives the maroon durango with the
texas a&m sticker on it: Your skater style is
appreciated by the ladies
c) to the recently clean shaven 1L who knows how to
have fun at sba socials, and really doesnt mind a
night in the pokey: you had me at "mortar forker"
d) to the supreme court bound 1L texas longhorn, who
is not afraid to put half a can of copenhagen is his
mouth during class, and sure is not afraid of some
obnoxious eagles fan: keep ME on your short list
e) to the man that drives the hummer, and the man
that rides the grey motorcycle with the flame paint
job: can we talk about the possibility of you both
going with me at once?
2. I know alot of girls got this email, so if you all
know anyone that might like to go with me, feel free
to pass the word along. I gone to alot of dances
alone, and I am not going to let that happen this
time. Carpe Diem!
Guys, we are all in this togethers, so feel free to
email me back with questions, comments, suggestions or
viruses. - *name excised*
Having seen the picture in question (which will not be PM'd to people) I can say that she's average at best, and far from "all that & a bag o' chips." Consider this my little contribution to Internet Humiliation for the evening.