I'm ready to die. I'm 32 and I have nothing. Every man my age looks like man, I still look like a boy. People poke fun at me and I laugh it off like a jester, I know I can't grow a beard, I know I weigh less than a normal person, I know I can't bench press my body weight... I know I'm a failure. Laugh at me. It's funny. The fact is, I know I'm going to be alone forever. People who are more attractive with hearts tell me it'll get better but that is coming from their experiences, it gets better for people who LOOK like men and have women who want to be with them. This is another Christmas alone. My family even left me behind.
I hate everything so much. Hate it. Ignore me though, this is my typical post crying about how life is unfair. I know it... I just hate it. move along.
I've been there, Spar.
Sure, none of my symptoms were the same, but I can feel that mindset. I was 25, weighed 365lbs, and my only social interaction besides work was online. I was trapped in a loveless marriage and was headed for an early grave. I did have family though, and that made a difference.
I'm sorry to hear that yours doesn't see your pain and do the right thing. Your GT family does, though, and perhaps the best thing for you to do is connect with some people, online even.
Perhaps picking up SWTOR, and play some MMO's with some GT'ers. It's a crutch to get you past this feeling and a season that accidentally singles out lonely people. You *can* turn your perception of yourself around. One of the quickest ways to change your outward appearance is to go to a tanning salon and just enjoy 10-15 minutes of warm UV light, and while you're at it get a tan. It's amazing how you looking a little different can shift a mindset. Don't expect miracles, but it might give you a boost.
There are people here who can help you in overcoming the physical training issue - just because you may not have a genetic disposition for bulky muscles doesn't mean you can't train for something. Ask around, start a thread and share what you like and what you feel your limitations are.
As to the facial hair? It sounds like you're looking to hide. Laugh that shit off, man. No one needs a beard in today's society, unless you're planning on hopping aboard a viking ship. It sounds like your humour is your defense - you're judging yourself so harshly that other people can sense it, methinks.
But this all really boils down to the attracting a mate, doesn't it? It's more fucked up when you're in it than not- personality conflicts, compromises - it's not all roses buddy. A woman will *not* fix your confidence issues, and may well either take advantage of it, or at the very least, sink you lower than you are now (even accidentally). You, at this time, are not just alone - you are totally unburdened from someone elses opinion or interests. You have a clear path for which you may walk the way you choose. You should work on what YOU want to see changed inside you, rather than getting hung up on the mating aspect of life. If you want to attract a girl, there are several things you *should* do.
1) Never, EVER, count your shortcomings again, and certainly not to others (except maybe here, where we'll forgive that kind of shit)
2) There is no point in lamenting that which you cannot change, but that which you're unhappy with isn't all "unchangeable". Figure out what it is that CAN be changed.
3) Seek counselling, but take it with a grain of salt. Advice from a psychiatrist can go a long way, but listen to the underlying messages rather than just the little steps they'll lead you through.
4) Pick up a "how to date chicks" (David DeAngelo, etc). While the content isn't going to work word for word, it does help build confidence and understand the female reaction.
5) Until you're confident in yourself, AS yourself, do not get into a committed relationship.
That means two things:
1- if you aren't confident in yourself, any relationship you build will not be founded on Sparhawk The Man, but instead, Sparhawk The Damaged and may not turn out well.
2- you need to go out and find what it is *you're* looking for in a mate. The first girl to bat her eyes at you is no substitute for getting to know someone and figuring out that connection. You can't do that if you haven't figured out who you are.
And trust me, I envy your life some days.
Lastly, I agree with Laner, and all the other GT folks encouraging you to talk to a suicide prevention hotline (or even religion to help you past the darker days, but I'd be careful about "faith" as a solitary means to guide your life - my 2c).
You're in your prime, and there is not a single goddamned reason you've listed that you can't be happy, AND find someone you can be happy with.
I've worded that deliberately.