Asking her parents' permission

[Tokek]

So I'm gonna pop the question to my gf and I figured I'd ask here for some advice on how to ask her parents' permission.

How do I go about doing it?  What should I say?  What questions, if any, I should expect from the parents?

Any inputs are appreciated!

Thanks!

[Austin]

So I'm gonna pop the question to my gf and I figured I'd ask here for some advice on how to ask her parents' permission.

How do I go about doing it?  What should I say?  What questions, if any, I should expect from the parents?

Any inputs are appreciated!

Thanks!

Just tell them that you wanted to let them know of your intent to ask her, and tell them that you would like their blessing.

[PeteRock]

It wasn't too difficult for me because my wife and I had been together for five years before deciding to make it official and I had an amazing relationship with her parents.  Unfortunately I wasn't able to do it in person as they were in Pittsburgh and I was working out of town and leaving from there to go to Disney World to propose and there were no trips to Pittsburgh scheduled anytime soon.  But it was a very pleasant and positive conversation.

I began by asking that both be on a line so they could each participate in the conversation, which already gave them an idea as to why I was calling, and then I simply explained my reason for calling, what I had hopes of doing during my upcoming trip to Disney World, and that I didn't want to do so until I had their permission.  My father-in-law was the first to respond and he said I had his complete endorsement, and my mother-in-law said that her only request was that I would continue to make her daughter as happy as I had thus far.  They then couldn't wait to hear what I had planned for the proposal and were excited about the amount of effort and thought I put into my plan.  

Be honest, be sincere, and speak from the heart.  That's the best advice anyone can give.

[hepcat]

by the way, congrats!

[The Grue]

Just tell them you've been fucking their daughter for some time now and you wanted to make it official.  They'll respect your honesty.

[Gratch]

Made me think of this comic:



Mine was pretty easy.  I tried stammering through the "I love your daughter very much..." speech, until her dad finally said, "I already know what you're going to ask, so just say it".  Was pretty easy after that.

[kratz]

My father in law is the most... I'm not sure how to describe him... curmudgeony? unapproachable? dour?... anyway... <- that, guy on the planet.

The asking for the blessing conversation went like this:

me: where's your dad? i came to talk to him about us.
future wife: he's out running.
me: great

5 minutes pass, and he is coming up the walk

fw: ok, there he is!

...at which point she RUNS out the back door as her father comes in the front door dressed in a sweaty tank top and those itty bitty running shorts that threaten to reveal a nut at any time.

me: hey, um... i wanted to talk to you about asking janean to marry me
him: GAIL! (yelling for his wife)

she arrives

him: Bob just said he's going to ask Janean to get married. do you know anything about this?

Like he caught me stealing cookies or something.

Anyway, according to my wife this single act is origin of his respect for me, so... go get 'em, tiger.

[Purge]

Anyway, according to my wife this single act is origin of his respect for me, so... go get 'em, tiger.

That, PLUS not pointing out that he had one of the boys hangin' out under the drapes.

[Moliere]

I never even considered asking her parent's permission. I found out afterwards that this offended the dad. In hindsight I still wouldn't ask their permission. What's the point? If they had said yes or no I would still have married her.

[The Grue]

That, PLUS not pointing out that he had one of the boys hangin' out under the drapes.

I am still scarred for life from an incident when I was a kid at the Audubon Zoo.  I was looking at the panthers and a dude walks up and puts his foot up on one of the rails.  Out sags some ballage.  Not good.

[The Grue]

I never even considered asking her parent's permission. I found out afterwards that this offended the dad. In hindsight I still wouldn't ask their permission. What's the point? If they had said yes or no I would still have married her.

Yeah, but I guess the point is at least you asked.  I doubt anyone is going to tell a person no.  I asked my wife's mother (father died before I even met her) and all went well from there.

[Tokek]

I've known her for almost 10 years and were good friends even before we dated.  Her family knows me as well as they always invited me over to their family gatherings.

I'll call her parents later today to try to schedule a time when I can come by when the both of them are home and ask.

[Kevin Grey]

I had planned on asking his permission but the ring was ready earlier than expected and I was so excited I decided not to wait.  Her mom already knew because I called her about my wife's ring size but she didn't have the chance to tell my father-in-law.  So I ended up asking permission *after* my now wife had already accepted. 

[Creepy_Smell]

Besides my wife quickly running upstairs when we got to here parent's house, the main thing I remember is how even though my father-in-law tried to act tough and protective during the talk, his eyes were happy that I asked him.

[wonderpug]

Congrats, and don't sweat it!

When I asked, I just prefaced it with some general stuff about how much I care about their daughter and then segued into the permission asking.  Actually, I asked for their "blessing" rather than their "permission."  I'm old fashioned and like old traditions like this, but I wanted to do a newer slant that would keep the gist of things while making my wife less like property.

I wouldn't expect any questions or anything, just general hugs and tears and jokes about how the father will break your bones one at a time if you ever do anyth--wait, was that part a joke?

[PeteRock]

I never even considered asking her parent's permission. I found out afterwards that this offended the dad. In hindsight I still wouldn't ask their permission. What's the point? If they had said yes or no I would still have married her.

I did it as a sign of respect toward my wife's parents.  I would have still inevitably married my wife, but I wanted to ask permission as a respectful gesture.  It was more symbolic than anything else.

[Freezer-TPF-]

I'm old fashioned and like old traditions like this, but I wanted to do a newer slant that would keep the gist of things while making my wife less like property.

It's still a good idea, though, to ask whether she has a clear title.

[VynlSol]

So I'm gonna pop the question to my gf and I figured I'd ask here for some advice on how to ask her parents' permission.

How do I go about doing it?  What should I say?  What questions, if any, I should expect from the parents?

Any inputs are appreciated!

Thanks!

Congratulations! It's awesome to see that there are folks out there who value things like honor and respect. Just play it straight and you can't go wrong.

[Purge]

I had planned on asking his permission but the ring was ready earlier than expected and I was so excited I decided not to wait.  Her mom already knew because I called her about my wife's ring size but she didn't have the chance to tell my father-in-law.  So I ended up asking permission *after* my now wife had already accepted. 

Just remember this for your future wife.

[Knightshade Dragon]

I didn't ask Laura's father for anything.  Long story short, when they spotted the engagement ring there was a huge fight about how young she was.  Laura's father was opposed to the wedding (primarily because I was headed into the Air Force - he'd been kicked out of the military earlier in his life) but reluctantly agreed.  He said he'd pay for everything - I insisted that I help.  Well, push came to shove and he wasn't paying any of it in what seemed like a pretty shoddy stall tactic.  I had Laura move in with my sister until I could get an apartment, I moved her to Florida where I was stationed, and I said "Wedding is in 3 days" to her family.  Her mother, aunt, and a cousin showed up.  They were warned by my groomsmen (all of them martial artists, some of them black belts) that they had better not cause any trouble on my wedding day or try to ruin it in any way or they'd be removed.  I had to pay for 100% of the wedding, reception, and honeymoon.  Needless to say it was a very VERY tense time for us and the family had some serious hate for me for a while.

Fast forward a while and they see that we are really happy and they've all calmed the hell down.  Now I'm the son that Kevin (Laura's dad) never had and we get along famously.  That first 5-7 years were rough with her family.

Save yourself the trouble - just man up and ask. 

[IkeVandergraaf]

So, um, how young was she?

[Tokek]

Well, I just called their home but no one was home so I left a message to call me back to set up the best time I can come over.

I'm pretty sure that's a big giveaway.

[Geezer]

So I'm gonna pop the question to my gf and I figured I'd ask here for some advice on how to ask her parents' permission.

How do I go about doing it?  What should I say?  What questions, if any, I should expect from the parents?

Any inputs are appreciated!

Thanks!

Just tell them that you wanted to let them know of your intent to ask her, and tell them that you would like their blessing.

 

[Knightshade Dragon]

So, um, how young was she?

Well, when we got engaged she was 16.  When we got married she was 18 and 3 days.  And no, she wasn't pregnant.    We are going into year 13 at this point.  Not too shabby for a guy who swore he was never gonna get married.

[Moliere]

I did it as a sign of respect toward my wife's parents.  I would have still inevitably married my wife, but I wanted to ask permission as a respectful gesture.  It was more symbolic than anything else.

How can it be a sign of respect when you would have married her anyway and admit its just a symbolic gesture? To respect her parents means breaking off the engagement if her parents are against it. Also, how come the guy's parents are never consulted?

[GargoyleBoy]

So I'm gonna pop the question to my gf and I figured I'd ask here for some advice on how to ask her parents' permission.

How do I go about doing it?  What should I say?  What questions, if any, I should expect from the parents?

Any inputs are appreciated!

Thanks!

Just tell them that you wanted to let them know of your intent to ask her, and tell them that you would like their blessing.

Let me second this and add:

Be sure you ask for blessing, not permission.  Some women are very picky about this.

[rickfc]

Well, when we got engaged she was 16.  When we got married she was 18 and 3 days.  And no, she wasn't pregnant.    We are going into year 13 at this point.  Not too shabby for a guy who swore he was never gonna get married.

Wow...I'm going to have to agree with the dad on the 'too young' part.  I mean, in hindsight, you guys have been married for a while now and all, but if some guy came and asked my daughter to marry him at 16, I'd probably rip his nuts off.

Edit:  I don't mean this in any way, shape or form as a disrespect to you, your wife or your marriage.  I hope you didn't take it as such.  Hats off to you for lasting as long as you have.  Many people who make the decision to marry well into their 'adulthood' barely make it past 5 years, so 13 years is quite the accomplishment.

[rickfc]

How can it be a sign of respect when you would have married her anyway and admit its just a symbolic gesture? To respect her parents means breaking off the engagement if her parents are against it. Also, how come the guy's parents are never consulted?

Traditionally, the men are the ones in charge and making the decisions, therefore there's no need to consult their parents.

[Ironrod]

The Bride of Ironrod would not give me permission to ask her father's permission. It was un-feminist. She didn't let him "give her away", either. Since we had been living in sin for four years by that time, I don't think this rocked his little world too hard.

[TK-421]

I never asked her parents and in fact I never even asked her.

I was in California going to Navy "A" School and she was in North Dakota living with her parents.

Shortly before her 18th birthday, I mailed her my credit card and told her to go pick out a wedding ring.  

About five months later I was home on leave and we got hitched in the county courthouse.  

Eighteen and a half years later we are still happily married and giving each other plenty of lovin'.

[The Grue]

How can it be a sign of respect when you would have married her anyway and admit its just a symbolic gesture? To respect her parents means breaking off the engagement if her parents are against it. Also, how come the guy's parents are never consulted?

There are lots of signs of respect which are symbolic gestures that people follow even if they don't fully believe in them.  In the south it is rude to wear a hat indoors, for instance.  I don't agree, but I don't wear a hat indoors when around my step-father-in-law.  I do it out of respect for him.

[Bob]

Wow. I didn't know people still did this.

It never came up for my wife and I. I think if I had asked my father-in-law for his blessing he'd have said something like "where are you hiding the time-machine?"

[kratz]

I did it as a sign of respect toward my wife's parents.  I would have still inevitably married my wife, but I wanted to ask permission as a respectful gesture.  It was more symbolic than anything else.

How can it be a sign of respect when you would have married her anyway and admit its just a symbolic gesture? To respect her parents means breaking off the engagement if her parents are against it. Also, how come the guy's parents are never consulted?

I think it's a sign of respect to say that you want to involve the people who have, until this point, been the ones primarily concerned with her well being and happiness (depending), and rather than an actual asking of *permission*, it's saying "This is what I'm going to do, but it's important to me that I involve you, as her parents, and that you are happy with what is going to happen."  If they aren't happy with it... tough shit, we're all adults who can make our own decision, but it's important to show that you recognize and respect their feelings about your plans with a member of their family.

Oh, and I forgot the best line from my story... when I said I wanted to marry her, the very first thing her dad said was 'Does Janean know about this?'

[Graham]

I was going to ask my now father-in-law, but I had gotten the ring on a Thursday, she was graduating college on Friday, and I was going to ask her at the graduation party on Saturday.  Well, that Friday I call a nationally syndicated talk-show to ask for advice if I should do it at the graduation party because she hates to have all the focus on her.  The host gets the bright idea for me to propose to my wife on air while I'm in my car on the way to her place before her college graduation.  I tell him that it's not a good idea because I haven't asked her father yet.  He was like, "C'mon, it'll be fun!"  Well, that's how I proposed.

In the long run, he didn't mind that I didn't ask, but I wanted to.  It was better for me to ask her this way though because she would have killed me if I asked at the graduation party.  Free Lobstergram FTW though!

[depward]

I asked my fiancee's father over the phone... he knew it was coming.  I would have liked to talk to him in-person, but he lives over in Colorado.

And yeah, I'd go for asking for a 'blessing' compared to a 'may I marry your daughter?' or 'permission.'

They'll be some questions, for sure.  I was asked what I liked about his daughter, where I saw myself in five years, all of those kinds of questions...

[rickfc]

I was asked what I liked about his daughter...

I would have to bite my tongue not to say something along the lines of 'her bodacious ta-tas'. 

[Moliere]

How can it be a sign of respect when you would have married her anyway and admit its just a symbolic gesture? To respect her parents means breaking off the engagement if her parents are against it. Also, how come the guy's parents are never consulted?

There are lots of signs of respect which are symbolic gestures that people follow even if they don't fully believe in them.  In the south it is rude to wear a hat indoors, for instance.  I don't agree, but I don't wear a hat indoors when around my step-father-in-law.  I do it out of respect for him.

Exactly! Thank you for proving my point. You respect him so you follow his wishes to not wear a hat indoors. How can you respect the Father if you marry his daughter against his wishes? Otherwise it would be the same as asking him if its ok to wear your hat indoors, he says no, and you wear the hat anyway. Hey, what the hell, you asked out of respect, but you didn't like the answer so you did it anyway.

[hepcat]

If you want the father to wholeheartedly support your request for his daughter's hand in marriage, simply show up at his place and tell him, "Listen, I could be your son-in-law...or you could say no and deal with an alternative....LIKE THIS!" and then whip out MY picture.

...after he regains consciousness I'm sure he'll greet you with open arms, a heartfelt hug and most likely a blank check.

[Moliere]

I think it's a sign of respect to say that you want to involve the people who have, until this point, been the ones primarily concerned with her well being and happiness (depending), and rather than an actual asking of *permission*, it's saying "This is what I'm going to do, but it's important to me that I involve you, as her parents, and that you are happy with what is going to happen."  If they aren't happy with it... tough shit, we're all adults who can make our own decision, but it's important to show that you recognize and respect their feelings about your plans with a member of their family.

Don't you see your own contradiction? You pretend to care about her parent's feelings and then say "tough shit" if they give you the wrong answer.

[The Grue]

Exactly! Thank you for proving my point. You respect him so you follow his wishes to not wear a hat indoors. How can you respect the Father if you marry his daughter against his wishes? Otherwise it would be the same as asking him if its ok to wear your hat indoors, he says no, and you wear the hat anyway. Hey, what the hell, you asked out of respect, but you didn't like the answer so you did it anyway.

What I was getting at was not wearing the hat even though I think I should wear it is the same as asking the person to marry their daughter even if you don't care what they answer.  I did something out of respect even if I didn't agree.  I wasn't talking about the end result.