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Author Topic: ASK SUPERHIRO! 11/22/04 SPECIAL THANKSGIVING EDITION  (Read 694 times)
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SuperHiro
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« on: November 22, 2004, 06:17:24 PM »

Welcome to another edition of ASK SUPERHIRO!

Today's panelists are SuperHiro and Singer David Lee Roth



Today’s letter:
Quote
Dear Superhiro and Singer David Lee Roth,
Well Thanksgiving is coming up, and once again I'm concerned about the same old problem.  Make no mistake, I love my family.  And for the most part Thanksgiving is a wonderful time to enjoy everone's company, trade old stories, and share in our great love of christ!  But there's always one problem that keeps coming back, and it gets worse with each passing year.

I have an Uncle, "Edward", who really likes to drink.  And I mean DRINK.  He really likes to guzzle that devil booze!  And when he gets intoxicated, he gets downright nasty.  Two years ago he got into a fight with my father over some weird thing involving a babysitter (that happened years ago!).  Said it was "disgracing the family name".  He then proceeded to preach at the rest of us saying how we've all fallen from the lofty standard he and his brothers set for us.  He spent the rest of the night crying in the bathroom.  And last year he got it into his head that the turkey was his beloved "Marilyn", with whom he had a long standing affair unbeknownst to anyone.  He refused to let anyone touch it, and things got really awkward when he demanded conjugal relations!

Please help, how can I handle this situation?

Douglas H. K______
Boston, MA
[/b]
Quote

Douglas-
We always have that one relative that's frankly really embarassing for the rest of the family.  If I may share, I have an uncle who's tells the funniest stories, but they're always funny for the wrong reason.  One time he told a story about how he and his brother found a little family of abandoned baby bunnies, and they raised them in their mom's room.  They all eventually died.  Unfunny right?  Nope, the last line of the story was, "My mom didn't do anything to help the bunnies..."  *silence* "... she just watched them die."

Okay, that was a horrible example, I love my uncle for that exact reason.  You sound like you dislike your uncle.  And that's okay.  You can try not serving any alcohol, or you can simply arrange for one relative to watch his intake.  Visit one of the many alcoholism sites on the internet and stage an intervention.  For a quick and fun solution, I suggest you tape him when he goes on a bender, and post that video on the internet.  That'll teach that old drunk bastard.

-SH
[/i]

Quote

 
Hiddy Hiddy ho!

WOW! Wizzy wam wam wozzle!  Sounds like you're in a real problemo amigo!  But don't worry dude, the Rothster is here to help out a friend in need!  Because a friend in need is a friend indeed YOW!  Here we go with the advice for the cool dude with the drunk uncle.  Bozdee bozdee bop billy bop!

First off, I wouldn't recommend getting into a confrontation with this cat.  Sounds like he can easily go from a happy dancing drunk who speaks nothing but gibberish to a violent nasty drunk.  Man I know what it's like dude.  Back in those glory daze, nearly 20 years ago, I was a total boozehounding dude like your uncle!  And let me tell you my man my man, you mistake your bandmate for a hot frizzy haired burnette groupie with a slightly stringy but raging hard body ONE TIME and you pay for it the rest of your fucking life.  YOW!  Your uncle is going to do that eventually, and when he does he'll spend probably a good 15 years putting water in his gasoline and apple juice to make it last longer!  You have to save him dude!  QUIT RAVIN AND GIT 2 SAVIN!  Your save can mean the difference between your uncle hitting on the beach with all da honies and getting woken up to get off the beach (because 'normal', 'clean' people who don't 'sleep on the beach smelling like alcohol and covered in their own vomit' want to use the beach.  The waves are for everyone dude!) by Officer Friendly!

Savin' drunks that don't want to be saved is mighty hard work, not 2 mention thirsty work!  U have to figger out y ur uncle is slamming the J.D. so hard.  There's always some sort of deeper meaning to every drunk's actions man! WORD UP!  He's not slamming tequila "fanny-bangers" because he loves the taste of agave!  He probably has some deep emotional problems.  One day he might have looked in the mirror and instead of seeing a man in the prime, saw a piece of slime!  Maybe he got sick of seeing a twisted parody of himself in the mirror, so he hits the Beam YOW ZING WOW!!  Maybe he drinks to blind himself to the fact that he is no longer the sexual tiger he once was.  Instead of a lion, he's limp and cryin'!  

Hey dude!  Maybe I could come over to Thanksgiving and help you out!  You have no idea how helpful the Rothster is, not to mention hungry!  Man I've love to have some of that Boston turkey, mmmm mmmm mmmm.  Anything is better than stealing your own child's Similac just so you can get your protein.  YOW!  I can totally help your uncle get back on the straight track!  And that's the straight dope!  Man I can tell your uncle all sorts of stories to get him off the juice.  Let me ask you, you do want a grown man to break into nursing homes posing as an ugly female nurse so he can steal those glucose bags from the old people?  If you don't, you'll invite me over!  Man Thanksgiving in Boston! WOW ZING WOW.  The food there has to be better than the food over at that soup kitchen down the street!

Happy Thanksgiving dude! Call me!  Biddly biddly pop zingoooooo!!!!!

Sincerely,
David Lee Roth


Join us Next week for more of your gaming and relationship questions answered by SuperHiro and his weekly guest columnist!
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mb737
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« Reply #1 on: November 22, 2004, 06:38:43 PM »

Dear SuperHiro,

  I thought you said you weren't Japanese?  What's up with that?  How many kittens do you have, and do you keep one in your pocket at all times like I do?

  May the man not fizzle your wizzle!
  U._._. the G_____


  PS  I can't do that guy justice!  He was the King!
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Jeff
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« Reply #2 on: November 22, 2004, 07:23:29 PM »

Superhiro ... you had me at "Welcome..."

And damn, DLR is gettin' to be OLD! Makes me feel old Tongue
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SuperHiro
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« Reply #3 on: November 22, 2004, 07:38:22 PM »

This one was pretty hard to write.  Because my normal writing voice is just way too sophisticated for DLR.  

So big props to Slurms McKenzie (Futurama), Gil (The Simpsons), and Bloom County (for the term "tequila fanny-bangers").
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