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Author Topic: Almost Genius... The Autobiography of Drazzil  (Read 3075 times)
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Drazzil
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« on: December 23, 2004, 06:07:04 AM »

This started out as something else, but I thought, its been a long time since I did any writing, and I always did want to get my autobiography down on paper, of the digital kind at least.

I was born on November the twenty second, 1982, In Hopkins Minnesota. I was born about three months early and the doctors did not think I would live. My heart had a massive hole in it and kept stopping, and the doctors kept me on caffene and for the first month or so I couldn't really even be held.

My mother did a lot of travelling (for reasons that would become obvious later on) and so in my first two years I moved from Minnesota, to New Mexico, then to California.

As you can Imagine, I had a very unusual early childhood. I can remember visiting the hospital several times. I was told I almost died of Spinal Meninjitus when I was in New Mexico. Probabally from drinking the water. I dont remember any of this, aside from visiting the doctor, and not being able to move my neck, and later, being in a hospital gurney, and trying to touch a keypad.

From New Mexico, We moved to San Fernando Valley, Where myself and my mother lived in a trailer park for about a year. I remember a little of this time, I remember my cat being taken to the pound because of a sick fuck of a trailer park lady who called the pound on him when he was outside. (I seem to remember cats being verboten in this peticular trailer park). I remember watching wheel of fortune. I remember buying dates from an older mexican lady, I remember talking to and being friends with a girl of about nine. I remember paying rent to an older man who was sick with hepititus.

My first encounter with CPS or Child Protective Services came about at this time as well. Some neighbors thought I was being beaten because I always had bruises on my body, but it was because I was into damn near everything and I was very clumsy. I was playing and bumped my head on the table when I was playing as my mom was talking to a few CPS agents and my mom said "see?" That ended that.

The trailer park in which I lived was eventually condemned, and my mother frantically tried to find a new place to live. I understand she had some trouble and eventually, she found a housing project that would take her in San Bernardino.

I dont remember much about the trip, save that it was on a Greyhound Bus, and that when we arrived there, there was glass all over the floor in the house and I cut my hand on a piece.

I dont remember much about the time between the ages of two and eight. I remember fights and conflicts with a family of black people that continued for a long while, I remember being home schooled, and being able to do long division in my head. I remember my mother chasing an imagined "inheritance" all over southern california. I remember her saying there were cameras everywhere...

My childhood ended at the age of 8 when I was taken away from my mother, because she was judged mentally unfit. No one bothered to send me a fucking memo that what she had told me about cameras being everywhere and other imagined rantings was false either. They just slammed my ass into a childrens phyco ward. From the childrens phyco ward I moved to a series of group homes. Everyone thought I was bat shit crazy of course.

The first of which being the Redlands Diagnostic Shelter.

My time here was surprisingly pleasant, Most of the staff cared about the kids and genuinely wanted to help them. I remember doing arts and crafts and painting and watching fun movies and a big breakfast every sunday. With a few notable exceptions, most of the kids weren't bad either.

The Group Home I entered was not so hospitable.

The first set of "foster parents" in this home were mostly wonderful. They were loving and really went out of their way to make us feel welcome. This was to end as the older gentleman of the pair had a heart attack and went out on disability. The next set of overseers were not nearly as nice or as caring. The lady wasent bad at all but the man was an abusive asshole who lorded his power over us with an iron fist, he was physically and mentally abusive to myself. I hope he rots in hell for an eternity for what he put the kids through, me in peticular.

I went home for a short while when I was ten. I enrolled in an urban public elementry school, where I was made fun of for being a little chubby, not that attractive and most of all white. I couldn't learn in this enviroment and thus started the evil cycle of "special education" .

Between the ages of 10 and 12 I was in a foster home and a group home. The foster home was very nice, and beside the fact that the foster parents were churchgoing, I had a good time. Upon further introspection, if I had it to do over again, I would have stayed here permantly, I didnt really want to go home. The foster parents loved me, and I loved them.

The next group home was the worst hell I had ever been through, it was all black, barring me, and a six year old who came in later. The group home was run by an african gal by the name of Mavis. Who was, upon hindsight, an awful, horrible, wicked evil slimebitch of a woman.

She didn't give a shit about the children under her care, we had no soap, no shampoo and staff that were totally unconcerned about our welfare. This woman was so entirely sick and evil that she took the money that the state gave her for our christmas presents and spent it on her own children. The only thing us children got for christmas was some cookies because a staff member felt sad for us and brought them in. One of the children accused me of being a satan worshipper (and being the best I could be to be a devout Jehovah's witness this horrified me to no end) and lo and behold, one of the staff believed the little bastard and proceeded to inform me that I was going to go to hell.

The next (and last time) my mom went crazy, I went into the care of an Elder of the Jehovahs witness faith who, I must say, was in his own right, probabally the most evil and  pharisitic person I have ever met in my life. The only good thing I can say about the fat douchebag is that he tought me how to tie a tie.

He mentally abused me constantly, would deprive me of meals for the smallest infraction, threatened to sic his dog on me for a flippant comment, and even after I left his "care" after about a month, he actively tried to keep me from holding any position in the Jehovah's Witness church. He wouldnt even let me answer questions in his book study class and even went as far as to call me an "apostate"... Funny... Its because of assholes like him, of which I met many of, that I mostly meet the definition of his term today...

Life is funny like that.


Middle school through high school was an absolute hell. Hindsight being twenty twenty, If I had it to do over again, I would do things differently. I would have taken Karate classes, worked out, socialized, dated (I probabally would have worked through that whole ugly thing) and if my mom didn't like it, I would have said fuck her and went back into the CPS system or declared myself an emancipated minor or someodd such, Im sure something would have worked out. As it was I believe highschool was just useful for the fact that it tought me english and history, and set me off being a Jehovah's Witless, but more on that later

As it was, I was teased constantly, I was overweight, had no self esteem, had no (or few) friends, was terrified of physical conflict, and was humiliated constantly... If I had it to do over again I would have learned how to fight, I would have worked out, I would have beaten the first guy to say boo to me half to death... But I suppose the past is the past. I've pretty much let it be.

I didnt get much shot at "regular" classes save in my senior year, as the remedial classes didnt teach me shit. I was very behind, especially im math. I still struggle with math today.

As I went through high school I went through a gradual process I have come to refer to as "Losing my religion" Through the infulence of the teachers who cared enough to be my only real friends during high school, I learned a lot about the world beyond the Jehovahcentric point of view One peticular math teacher took me under his wing and became a father figure to me. He didn't ACTIVELY or even passively try to point out the fallicies of believing in my religion... I just somehow just found his points of view to be more logical... From about the time I was 13 or so, I found the Jehovah's Witness religion, and religion in general, increasingly pointless and stupid...

I honestly dont get how people can devote their lives to a God they have never seen. When I was in group homes and in foster homes, I never felt god's hand in my affairs... I prayed constantly, and never felt the peace or happiness people say comes from feeling the presence of God. finally at around fourteen or so, I finally decided not to beleive in God... Now because I was under my mothers thumb I felt had to go through the motions to keep her happy and to keep her from taking away the things I had (mainly TV and games) but I always thought it was a load of shit... Needless to say I faked a lot of headaches to get out of going to meetings and whatnot. I never got Christmas or Birthdays, to this day I have only had one birthday and no christmas. All my christmas presents I have bought for myself... At least this way I get exactly what I want I suppose.

By the way, I dont menton my mother or my relationship with her more then I have to, I dont like my mother. I really dont. I have a poisonous relationship with her that is declining as time goes on. I want to get out of the position of needing to live with her as soon as possible.

Where was I? Oh yes... I graduated in the Class of 2000 with Honors.

I spent an uneventful year and a half slacking and loafing off my mom, working a security guard, at sears for a few days (was fired for making a few stupid comments) and as a janitor for a week.

The only real eventful thing to happen during this time was that I was attacked by two black guys for walking down the street while white. I think this worked out for the best, as previously I was extremely overweight and out of shape, and weighed almost 240 pounds. I've been doing Karate for about six months now and I lost thirty pounds. Im still a whitebelt (because this is the first major physical activity I have ever done and I am rather uncooridinated) But I will continue to work hard at it. I enjoy the classes and Twi Kwon Do will be a part of my life for the rest of my life. This I can state for a certanty.

I work for a theatre cleaning theatres and doing customer service. I love my job, I really do. I work extremely hard. I am respected and very well liked by most save one person who wont talk to me at all (I basically told the managers he was domineering during the time he trained me,and I think it got back to him), and two managers (One of whom thinks I am a wierdo and one who doesen't like me just because he's really an asshole sometimes)

I go to a local community college, I am still woefully behind in math because I didn't really learn/remember anything from my high school math classes. Add to this, the fact that I stupidly skipped math for about two years when I failed a college math class. Add to this, I have a short term memory problem that involves the manipulation of numbers, affecting basically math and me remembering where I put my wallet, keys and other important shat.

Life is funny that way... The way the craps shoot come up sometimes. I am blessed with enough intelligence to know that I want something better then working mininum wage slave jobs, but Im not exactly sure I have enough intelligence to make this happen. A truly frustrating position to be in. A lot of the people at work think Im slow, because I cant always seem to communicate what I want to effectively, and some times people need to repeat things several times for me to catch it. Im bad at directions. But then people actually LISTEN to me talk, and they realize "Oh shit, this guy is the smartest person in the room" Or at least I would like to think thats what they say... Anyway.

I recently passed a college math class, after three tries, two years and much frustration. I am proud of myself, I was going for computer science, but now I know that I must pick something else, Im not sure what Im going to go in for... Suggestions would be apprecaited, dare I say, welcomed with open arms, and a ticker tape parade... Well, welcomed at least.

Im going to train register at work soon, Im hoping I haven't made a horrible terrible mistake work wise. Im also looking for another job, something better with health benefits.

I am unlucky by nature, I dont gamble for this reason, The universe seems to have made me a bullseye for wierd occurance and mostly bad luck... I know that Im not nuts, I dont hear voices, and some of the wierd that thats happened to me, I have witnesses to.

I swear to the Jesus Christ I dont believe in that if I told the average person half of the shit that I have experienced, I would be comitted...

Again...

So thats it, thats all I have to say about that...

Was it good for you too?
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Daehawk
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« Reply #1 on: December 23, 2004, 06:25:17 AM »

No offense Drazz but I swear that sounds like what Kahless would write.

If not then Ill say it could be a lot worse but yeah that was pretty sucky...your past I mean not your story. Chin up.
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Drazzil
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« Reply #2 on: December 23, 2004, 06:26:49 AM »

I have not made any of this stuff up. This is all me.
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« Reply #3 on: December 23, 2004, 07:31:55 AM »

Ignore the naysayers.  Keep writing, Drazzil.
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« Reply #4 on: December 23, 2004, 08:30:55 AM »

That was interesting reading Drazzil.

You asked for input on what you should do, so I'll offer mine.  It strikes me that someone with your background, who has been through so much and yet hasn't give in to overwhelming rage, is someone who is a true people person.  I think whatever you do, it should be something that puts you working with other people.

The instances where you were picked on are not representative of how you will fare in the professional world. School, and I imagine group homes, are very cliquey cultures where skills or training count for nothing. In the adult world, your education, training, experience, and work ethic will be what defines you and I believe you will be happier when you see this.

The one thing that troubles me, not that I'm asking you to speak more of it since I'm NOT the type to pry, is your attitude towards your mom.  If the implication I'm getting, that she has/had mental health issues to deal with, is true, your attitude towards her seems very harsh.  If that's true then she is not to blame for it, and therefore not to blame for anything that results from it, such as your childhood, she's as much a victim of it as you have been.  Once again, let me stress I'm presenting this as only something to think about, I'm NOT asking for you to elaborate at all.  You have more knowledge on this than I do and if I'm way off base just ignore me, I mean no offense.
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dbt1949
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« Reply #5 on: December 23, 2004, 09:12:14 AM »

It's odd but to the people who know me the best they think I had a strange and somewhat bad childhood. But compared to so many others I've heard about mine doesn't seem so bad. :wink:
I've known quite a few others with similar stories to yours Draz and they all pretty much turned out okay as adults.Still issues from childhood of course but by going to counselers can get most of that straightened out.
You still have a lot of rage in you but I think you'll turn out all right.You're working very hard to be "normal" despite having a screwed up childhood.You're very intelligent and I think can make something of yourself.
Good story and good luck with your life! :wink:
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Ye Olde Farte
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« Reply #6 on: December 23, 2004, 12:16:31 PM »

I recently passed a college math class, after three tries, two years and much frustration. I am proud of myself, I was going for computer science, but now I know that I must pick something else, Im not sure what Im going to go in for... Suggestions would be apprecaited, dare I say, welcomed with open arms, and a ticker tape parade... Well, welcomed at least. <<<<<

One thing I learned when going to college is more what I didn't know than what I actually learned. You have to know enough to be able to ask the right questions. Finding out you don't have the aptitude for something is not a waste of time. To the contrary, everybody has limits and if you know what yours are, it will save you lots of lost time and frustration in the future. That crap about being able to do anything you want if you try hard enough is movie BS. From the moment we are born we have severe limitations and are forced to and from things by circumstance. You just have to do the best you can, and realize that ultimately your own happiness is what is important and what you are striving for. I also discovered after taking college level C programming that I just didn't have the ability in math. They make everybody take every subject but it is very rare to find a person who excels at both math and social studies type subjects. It takes different thought processes. Those few who can, usually do so at the price of not having any social ability at all.

Martial arts is fine if you want to improve your physical condition, but it's no better than a good exercise program. It's great for self esteem, if you need it and take it the right way. What it is not going to do for you is enable you to get through any situation in life using pure force. This is movie crap too. Martial arts is just one method of fighting, so is street fighting. I would take a good street fighter who has actually been in fights over any martial artist who has only been sparring any day of the week. I had one guy tell me he was a black belt in karate right before I stomped his ass. I never had a day of martial arts training. It has a lot more to do with knowing your limitations so you don't get into something you aren't capable of getting yourself out of. More importantly, having confidence and courage. Often, just standing up and being willing to fight if necessary is enough to end a problem if you do it forcefully and with confidence. Besides if a situation arises where you need to make a stand, you should make that stand whether or not you will win or lose. Although it would be nice to win. :lol:

I have a degree in education and have done some teaching and worked in the computer field for many years. You say you have trouble expressing yourself, but you write extremely well and have an outstanding vocabulary and use of grammar. You would be surprised, your life isn't that much different than most people's. My parents were so bad I would probably have been better off nearly anyplace than I was with them.  There is a demon parable from Faust which says would you live your life again if you knew what would happen and couldn't do anything to change it? The guy said no. The demon then said, then why did you have children? All parents want more for their kids than they had but ultimately it is like throwing a kite into the wind. You can guide it a little, but the kids usually end up just like their parents or worse.

Maybe teaching would be good for you? If you have the temperment for it.
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« Reply #7 on: December 23, 2004, 12:28:18 PM »

If the implication I'm getting, that she has/had mental health issues to deal with, is true, your attitude towards her seems very harsh. If that's true then she is not to blame for it, and therefore not to blame for anything that results from it, such as your childhood, she's as much a victim of it as you have been.<<<<<

This is absurd. If somebody is completely mentally deficient they should be institutionalized or treated against their will. However, if they aren't completely mentally deficient they bear some of the responsibility for not seeking treatment for themselves if they needed it. Also, there are levels of mental illness that make you disposed toward doing something but that doesn't mean you will or have to. You have a choice. My mother had a rough childhood, however because of her I had a worse one. However, I didn't create children and then force an even worse one on them. I broke out of the cycle. It CAN be done if you want to badly enough. I never even recieved any sort of mental treatment. Not professional anyway. Nobody regardless of their mental condition deserves a pass on all their behavior.
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« Reply #8 on: December 23, 2004, 12:37:07 PM »

I am unlucky by nature, I dont gamble for this reason, The universe seems to have made me a bullseye for wierd occurance and mostly bad luck... I know that Im not nuts, I dont hear voices, and some of the wierd that thats happened to me, I have witnesses to. <<<<


I feel like this too sometimes. I would never risk anything of any importance on a coin flip if I had any choice. However, you haven't been alive long enough to know whether you have good or bad luck generally yet. :lol: In small things I have bad luck but in the big ones I generally have good luck. I have had good luck with my health, I haven't had anybody close to me die. I have never been in a serious accident nor been seriously injured. I have never broken a bone. My teeth are good, for my age anyways. :lol: These are the things that determine whether you have good luck or not, not the cards you get on a given draw.
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« Reply #9 on: December 23, 2004, 12:58:11 PM »

Quote from: "vagabond"
Martial arts is fine if you want to improve your physical condition, but it's no better than a good exercise program. It's great for self esteem, if you need it and take it the right way. What it is not going to do for you is enable you to get through any situation in life using pure force. This is movie crap too. Martial arts is just one method of fighting, so is street fighting.


Just have to throw 2 cents in here and disagree with this whole paragraph. Bad martial arts is only good for fitness and exercise. And there are plenty of bad martial arts schools out there. It is not a waste of time if you find a decent school and have the will to train properly. Sure it is 'just another way of fighting'. However, you are taught to fight systematically by people who are experts at it. "Street fighters" learn the hard way so their lessons are painful and effective, but also limited.

Quote
I would take a good street fighter who has actually been in fights over any martial artist who has only been sparring any day of the week.


Then you're crazy. That's like saying you'd take anyone who has actually played stickball over Ichiro if he only ever hit batting practice. Whoever wins a fight comes down to a combination of natural abilities, knowledge and experience. Greater experience doesn't automatically equate to victory. And while there is no complete substitute for a real fight, light to moderate contact sparring goes a *long* way to bridging the gap. Combined with the greater knowledge a decent martial artist has, normally it is more than enough.

Quote
I had one guy tell me he was a black belt in karate right before I stomped his ass. I never had a day of martial arts training.


Err... greater than 70% odds this guy was some random joe just trying to scare you, or he was from some rent-a-school. All of the true black belts I've known wouldn't ever bother telling someone they had a black belt right before a fight. 1) Why give up the element of surprise and let your opponent know to expect kicks, and 2) You never know what the other guy knows. If he is a martial artist too and knows what style you practice he can be more prepared for certain things. Btw, I have a Magneta belt with pink polka dots. Do you believe me too?

Quote
It has a lot more to do with knowing your limitations so you don't get into something you aren't capable of getting yourself out of. More importantly, having confidence and courage.


This is very true. That's another reason why most true martial artists don't fight. Because they realize no matter how good you are random things can make a situation very bad very fast, so they avoid it altogether when possible. And also because they have trained, they have confidence, which breeds courage. That confidence makes people back down a lot of the time.

I'll just say very quickly that of the few real fights I've been in, I've been hit only once - a glancing blow to the forehead that I didn't even feel until the next day when I had a slight bruise that I couldn't actually see. And I've never had to kick anyone or even pull any 'real' martial arts moves. Came down to being able to stay calm because of all the practice, use my blocks and punch the other guy in the face and solar plexus a few times. Usually one *good* hit to the solar plexus will end any fight against 95% of the population.
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vagabond
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« Reply #10 on: December 23, 2004, 01:37:22 PM »

I'll just say very quickly that of the few real fights I've been in, I've been hit only once - a glancing blow to the forehead that I didn't even feel until the next day when I had a slight bruise that I couldn't actually see. And I've never had to kick anyone or even pull any 'real' martial arts moves. Came down to being able to stay calm because of all the practice, use my blocks and punch the other guy in the face and solar plexus a few times. Usually one *good* hit to the solar plexus will end any fight against 95% of the population.<<<<<

It was not required that you come to the defense of the martial arts. I also don't want this to be a back and forth about it either. We can start another thread about that.

There are 3 kinds of fights, one the shoolyard kind where at the first sign of any real harm the fight gets broken up and both sides know this. Two, one in which real harm must take place in order for the fight to end. Third, a fight for your life. The abilities and skills needed for these fights are not the same. That is one problem I have with formal martial arts is it treats them all the same.

I have been attacked by two people at once with knives. There is nothing you can tell me about actually fighting that I don't already know. I have never had a fight take longer than a minute, usually 15 seconds and it is over. I rarely have been scratched in all these engagements. I am not a big guy and have never been in a fight with anybody smaller than I. Matter of fact, my worst nightmare is not a huge guy coming after me, it is somebody just a little bigger, a little faster, a little stronger. I have ended most fights of the first or second type by smashing the persons lips. Young men are very concerned by their looks and knowing they are going to look like they got pounded in the face for a month makes them want to stop fighting really fast. However, I was always making an effort to do as little damage as possible to end the situation. Hitting somebody in the solar plexus could kill them.

Partly why I talked about martial arts is because people are deluded into thinking they work like they do in the movies. A grown man punches another in the mouth and it explodes and your lips come apart. There isn't another punch after that. They don't punch each other ten times and then have a little scratch on their face after. Bruce Lee was 130 pounds soaking wet. Was he good at martial arts? Sure he was. Could he take on two guys twice his size at once in a real fight? Very doubtful and certainly not ten or a hundred at once. Anybody can be overpowered, even by those with no fighting skills at all.  

You can be trained for war but that is not the same as fighting when the guy in your foxhole's head comes apart. Only 30 percent of men in war even fire their weapons at all. They were all highly trained and screened beforehand. It is the difference between having veterans and green troops. This is something you cannot duplicate in martial arts nor can you know how you will respond beforehand. I could know for certain a person was good at martial arts prior to fighting and it wouldn't affect how I treated the fight one iota. It's irrelevant.
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dbt1949
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« Reply #11 on: December 23, 2004, 02:31:52 PM »

As someone who actually fought in VietNam I find your insights into fighting.......interesting. Please continue.
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Ye Olde Farte
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« Reply #12 on: December 23, 2004, 02:36:00 PM »

http://consolegold.com/forums/viewtopic.php?t=3850

So we don't de-rail I opened discussion in another thread.
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« Reply #13 on: December 23, 2004, 02:49:24 PM »

Quote from: "dbt1949"
As someone who actually fought in VietNam I find your insights into fighting.......interesting. Please continue.
<<<<

I am not saying this about you personally but in general. The maximum number of soldiers in Vietnam was 500,000 of which no more than ten percent were actual combat troops. The vast majority of the 50 thousand that were actual combat troops never saw any combat at all. Most of them sat wherever and practiced shooting guns. However, despite these factual numbers I have yet in my life met somebody who will admit to having been in the rear with the gear, despite the fact that is where over 90 percent of them spent the war. Also, a good reason why they will say they were in combat but won't actually talk about any details.

This said it is highly unlikely your above statement is true. It might be, but it's like somebody getting on here and saying they knew Bruce Lee personally. It's possible but highly suspect. Even if true it is even far less likely you actually were in hand to hand combat with anybody or even shot anybody for that matter. So, that statement does not make you an expert on combat by any means. I also don't know if you were really interested. It came across to me as you being sarcastic for some reason.
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dbt1949
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« Reply #14 on: December 23, 2004, 02:52:00 PM »

Quote
This said it is highly unlikely your above statement is true.
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Ye Olde Farte
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« Reply #15 on: December 23, 2004, 03:14:09 PM »

Quote from: "vagabond"
Quote from: "dbt1949"
As someone who actually fought in VietNam I find your insights into fighting.......interesting. Please continue.
<<<<

I am not saying this about you personally but in general. The maximum number of soldiers in Vietnam was 500,000 of which no more than ten percent were actual combat troops. The vast majority of the 50 thousand that were actual combat troops never saw any combat at all. Most of them sat wherever and practiced shooting guns. However, despite these factual numbers I have yet in my life met somebody who will admit to having been in the rear with the gear, despite the fact that is where over 90 percent of them spent the war. Also, a good reason why they will say they were in combat but won't actually talk about any details.

This said it is highly unlikely your above statement is true. It might be, but it's like somebody getting on here and saying they knew Bruce Lee personally. It's possible but highly suspect. Even if true it is even far less likely you actually were in hand to hand combat with anybody or even shot anybody for that matter. So, that statement does not make you an expert on combat by any means. I also don't know if you were really interested. It came across to me as you being sarcastic for some reason.

vagabond all I can say is don't jump into the deep water unless you are sure you can swim.  If you'd spent any productive time at Gone Gold instead of trolling you would have had the pleasure of reading the dbt1949 biography thread.  And you would know what you were talking about instead of coming off sounding clueless.
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« Reply #16 on: December 23, 2004, 03:26:45 PM »

vagabond all I can say is don't jump into the deep water unless you are sure you can swim. If you'd spent any productive time at Gone Gold instead of trolling you would have had the pleasure of reading the dbt1949 biography thread. And you would know what you were talking about instead of coming off sounding clueless.<<<<

You are the one making assumptions about things you know nothing about. I never was on gone gold. I have already talked to Ron about this, and he assured me this wasn't going to happen and if it did he would take action. You just made some trouble for yourself there pal. Ron has been notified and sent a copy of this.
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« Reply #17 on: December 23, 2004, 04:16:52 PM »

Well, Ron will either do the right thing or he won't. I have no fear that none but a very small minority might actually and truly think I have been some sort of problem on the boards and not a good contributor. So form your own opinion if I am suddenly missing. If I have to put up with being harrasssed by the moderators again, I will remove myself.
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« Reply #18 on: December 23, 2004, 06:32:34 PM »

Quote from: "vagabond"
Well, Ron will either do the right thing or he won't. I have no fear that none but a very small minority might actually and truly think I have been some sort of problem on the boards and not a good contributor. So form your own opinion if I am suddenly missing. If I have to put up with being harrasssed by the moderators again, I will remove myself.


You are the worst kind of troll. The self-important, ignorant, laughably obvious type.

Is this a personal attack? Yes it is. I expect Ron or Warning to give me a stern talking to.

First, your insistence that you are not ElderGamer from Gone Gold has worn thin. Multiple people have pointed out consistencies in your posting style, you conversational tone, your grammar, your abrasiveness, and more. If that wasn't enough, I imagine that many of our moderators could probably easily compare IP's if they remember you from Gone Gold.

Nevertheless, none of this is important, or indeed even my business until you insulted the DBT. You just dont do that. Not about his involvement in Vietnam you ungrateful wretch.

Please respond in whatever kind you choose.

Ron, sorry to let you down with this, but it needed to be said.
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« Reply #19 on: December 23, 2004, 06:39:18 PM »

Oh, and Drazzil, my apologies for the derail. I read your story, very interesting, hope things are picking up for you. You really do seem to be in a better mood and less sorry for yourself lately, and I hope you keep up the good work.
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« Reply #20 on: December 23, 2004, 06:41:36 PM »

o....k.  how bout we get back on topic now eh?  whether or not someone served in actual combat or whether someone was a troll or not, was not the purpose of draz' post.   let's just move on.  life is too damn short as it is

as for draz, i know exactly how you feel regarding luck in life and difficulty with math.  i've always felt i had bad luck in small matters and good luck in critical ones.   despite my best efforts, i've never broken a bone or been in a major accident.  i've survived death once, when i got so sick my blood pressure dropped to 70 over 40, so weak i couldn't walk straight.  what makes this event lucky is my dad was staying with his girlfriend at the time and i had the house to myself.  a friend of mine came over to hang out and when he saw me, he got a neighbor to help.  i was in the hospital for a while as they pushed fluids into me via IV.  quite an odd experience if you've never had one.  at another time, i knocked myself unconscious after i hit my head on a 3/4 in dia bolt.  tore a strip of flesh out of my scalp and needed stitches.  i still don't know how long i was out and it's a good thing i woke up on my own.  it would have been a few hours before anybody found me.  

i haven't had good luck regarding lost relatives.  my grandfather died right after i was born, hit on the sidewalk by a drunk driver.  my uncle was hit as he tended to his car-struck dog and dragged for several hundred yards.  they never caught the driver, and it's assumed he was drunk too.   one of my grandmothers died the morning after i went to visit her.  she called to me as i slept in the next room, and i was the one who called for help.  my great-grandmother died when i was living with her, after a long illness.  i was one of the first people to see her gone.  my second grandmother had a stroke, but she fought through the rehab and made a fairly full recovery.   life has made an episode of ER out of me.  

my overall childhood was one of moving around and different "new moms", as my dad was and is not very good with women.  parents split when i was 5.  he's good enough to get their attention and date for a while, but neurotic enough to make anyone go crazy.  he's also prone to both anger and depression.  unfortunately, i learned the behavior long ago, and i still work at it today.  when i think of how happy i am with my wife, it actually bums me out.  i could see something like what happened to him happen to us.  i see that if i follow his footsteps, i would lose her, and rightfully so.  i love my parents and have been given a chance to know a great stepdad, who taught me more than he knows.  in that, i see my parents' divorce as something positive.  

i don't want to leave this on such a bad note, so i'll say this.  in everything we do in our lives and everything that happens, some good can come of it.
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« Reply #21 on: December 23, 2004, 06:56:24 PM »

Draz, sorry your thread got so badly derailed, hopefully we can keep things on track here.

you wrote:

Quote
I am blessed with enough intelligence to know that I want something better then working mininum wage slave jobs, but Im not exactly sure I have enough intelligence to make this happen.


First of all, knowing as little about you as I do, I'd have to say you're a pretty intelligent person. I can tell that from the way you write. You write beyond your age. Now, I'm not referring to your writing skills, but as to the way you "speak" in your writings.

secondly, making something happen in your life, has less to do with intelligence, and a lot more to do with perseverence, and not quitting. Not that I'm an expert on achieving much in life, but I do believe it's got a lot to do with sweat and hard work, in getting what you really want.

I think you are doing pretty darn good considering your background, mother issues, bouncing around between foster homes, etc. In a lot of ways, I envy you, and your willingness to keep at it by staying in school, getting through that math class no matter what it took (3 tries), and taking karate to improve your body and your mind.

My advice would be to use school to achieve something practical, career-wise. Then you'll be able to move out from your mom's apt. I also recommend you keep writing ... not necessarily publicly, but keep writing. It seems to be a good outlet for you.

Thanks for sharing your story.
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« Reply #22 on: December 23, 2004, 07:16:48 PM »

Yea Drazz, What JJ said.  Keep at it, dont give up.  You've come a hell of a long way in a short amount of time.  Knowing you want better and understanding you CAN have better is the hard part.  Now just get out there and make it happen!
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« Reply #23 on: December 25, 2004, 05:22:05 AM »

Draz, a few of my own suggestions-

1. dont listen to people who try telling you to patch up your relationship with your mom.  For one thing, it probably wont happen, and for another, you will be putting tons of time and energy into worrying about someone other than yourself.  Be good to yourself, do good by yourself.  If your mom wants to make right by you, that will take effort from her, not you.  IMO, for what its worth, you need to look out for you.  This comes from my own 20 years of banging my head against the wall listening to the bullshit advice from people who dont know anything about my mother.

2. try playing to your strengths, not your weaknesses.  You can write and have a good mastery of the language.  Try working with that.  Try journalism, creative writing, or a few other directions, and see what you like.

3. you can improve your memory, but it takes work.  What helps me most is to repeat things to myself several times.  Also, for complex stuff, MAKE SURE you write things down and take notes.  My memory used to be excellent, but has gotten bad in the last few years.  My solution was to get more organized.  A -fantastic- way to do this is to get a PDA.  You can get a low end (or even better, a used) Palm Pilot for very cheap.  I now habitually put anything worth remembering inside it.

4. this may or may not help you, but my memory (and other health issues) have been improving a great deal lately after I purchased an air purifier.  Im not sure, but I may have had undiagnosed asthma or some kind of alergies.  In the last three weeks, Ive felt better than I have in, literally, at least three years.  My roommate also got one, and him and his girlfriend also feel quite a bit better.  

Im thinking the air inside many of these older buildings may be very bad, and considering there arent any tests or anything for these kinds of environmental effects, it wouldnt surprise me in the least if this were a widespread problem.


Anyway, its good to hear things are going well for you.  You also might look in to speaking with a therapist, if for no other reason than to help you maintain your self confidence, and work through any issues related to your childhood.  I also had a very unhappy childhood and adolescence, and looking back, going to theraphy during my 20s could have been a great help.  I did pretty good, considering I started at zero, but I still never got past the point where I am doing more than just getting by, rather than prospering.  Having someone there to help me make positive changes to my attitudes would have been a great help.

Its difficult, especially when you spend your youth feeling unliked or unattractive, to form positive relationships.  Make sure you keep people around you who make you happy to be you, and avoid negative people.  That even applies toward people on internet forums  :wink:
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« Reply #24 on: December 25, 2004, 06:24:58 AM »

Ron, sorry to let you down with this, but it needed to be said.<<<<<

Extreme example of the pot calling the kettle black. A bit of advice I doubt you will take. If you have to apologize for something while you are doing it, you might want to reconsider doing it in the first place.

I was trying to give Drazzil honest help and advice. Those who derailed it are the trolls not I.
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« Reply #25 on: December 25, 2004, 06:32:00 AM »

1. dont listen to people who try telling you to patch up your relationship with your mom. For one thing, it probably wont happen, and for another, you will be putting tons of time and energy into worrying about someone other than yourself. Be good to yourself, do good by yourself. If your mom wants to make right by you, that will take effort from her, not you. IMO, for what its worth, you need to look out for you. This comes from my own 20 years of banging my head against the wall listening to the bullshit advice from people who dont know anything about my mother. <<<<<

This is a tough one. I have never reconciled with my mother. I haven't even seen her in 8-10 years and haven't talked to her much either. However, I did make attempts at times that were unsuccessful. This mainly depends on whether the person you are trying to reconcile with wants to, and will take responsibility for the wrongs they did on you. It's possible you could gain something helping somebody without them actuallly being willing to do anything on their part to help you. My mother currently has a debilitating mental condition. I am faced with the problem now that if I wait any longer, I have no more opportunities. However, I still haven't decided whether or not to try again. I might not regret it now too. But, I might regret it later when I am her age and possibly in her condition.
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« Reply #26 on: December 25, 2004, 09:17:24 AM »

secondly, making something happen in your life, has less to do with intelligence, and a lot more to do with perseverence, and not quitting. Not that I'm an expert on achieving much in life, but I do believe it's got a lot to do with sweat and hard work, in getting what you really want. <<<<

I agree with most of what you said. But, saying this is the same as saying in order to get someplace you have to start walking and not stop.

To me the key to making something happen in your life is to figure out what "something" is. Most people equate success purely with how much money you make. Most people who pursue intellect have little or no concern for money.

One of my brothers got an MA in business then found out he hates being in business. The unibomber had a degree from both MIT and Harvard I think. My other brother has a good job, works 70 hours a week, lives in a 300K house and feels like he is a success. I wouldn't trade places with him for all the money on the planet earth. His wife is a horsefaced, controlling psycho. I can't tolerate her presence for 10 minutes and neither can anybody else.

Most investment companies take 5.7 percent straight off the top in order to manage your money. If they were really giving you good investment advice they would tell you to get the hell out of their office. But, people pay this so they don't have to manage their own money and act like they are a success. Under 5 percent of the population of the US has over 100K net worth. If you live in a middle class neighborhood, they all probably have a negative net worth regardless of what kind of car they drive or what their job is. It's not how much you make, or act like you make or anything else. It's who you are. It's your integrity and your honor.
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« Reply #27 on: December 25, 2004, 03:07:32 PM »

Hey Drazzil,  congrats for coming out of your youth whole.  In many ways my childhood was better than yours and in any ways it was much worse.  I could have turned out pretty bad myself but I refused to give in.  I have held on to 3 philosophies to get me by.  Believe in yourself and your ability to accomplish anything if you truly apply yourself , treat everybody the way you would like to be treated ( unless youre masochistic)  and dont be afraid to fail once in awhile.  We truly learn as much or more from our failures as we do when we suceed.   If you allow a fear to fail to control you, you will stagnate, afraid to try anything new.  It takes guts to put your life story out there for everyone to critque.  Heres hoping your story eventually has a happy ending.  Oh and Merry Christmas!
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