[feelings] Cancer, death and Dad (long)

[Isgrimnur]

My condolences.  By all means be there for your family, but remember to take the time you need to deal with it for yourself.  I can't imagine that I would be much use to anyone if I were in your shoes.

[lildrgn]

Much thanks to everyone. For anyone interested, I've blogged extensively about it. Now, here's a question:

For whatever reason, I am not a wreck. I don't think I'm in denial, but I have yet to break down. I cried about 20 sec with the kids this morning when I broke the news to them. I think I may break down tomorrow when I see my brother and his family from Ireland, more because they simply couldn't be here and I'll be sharing my bro's pain.

So what now? I want to cry. I want to grieve. I want to sob but it isn't coming.

It's maddening! I miss my dad and I feel like nothing has happened.

[cheeba]

So what now? I want to cry. I want to grieve. I want to sob but it isn't coming.

It's maddening! I miss my dad and I feel like nothing has happened.

You are grieving. Grieving is a process that is different for everyone. At the moment "it" might not be coming, but that does not mean what you are feeling right now is wrong or right or should be changed. Maybe you've not yet accepted that your father is dead. Maybe you're drained and currently can't show much emotion yet. Maybe you won't even grieve at all like you expect. Don't worry about it and just go through the process. Just remember that the funeral is there not for your father, but for you and family and friends. It is designed to help you through the grieving process, give you some finality.

When my family friend who was essentially my grandmother died I was sad and cried a bit at the funeral. I loved her to pieces. When the service at the funeral was over, and there was the procession of people past the casket, I reached out and touched her (closed) casket. The emotion and tears all came pouring out. I needed that tactile experience to reconcile her death.

It's different for everyone, as I said. Don't worry about how you are grieving or whether you are mourning properly or anything like that. Just be there for your family and friends, celebrate your father's life, remember the good times (and you will remember the bad as well), and it will come.

[Ironrod]

For whatever reason, I am not a wreck. I don't think I'm in denial, but I have yet to break down. I cried about 20 sec with the kids this morning when I broke the news to them. I think I may break down tomorrow when I see my brother and his family from Ireland, more because they simply couldn't be here and I'll be sharing my bro's pain.

Like cheeba said, everybody does it differently. My dad's death was such a tension reliever that it was weeks before I finally exited crisis-management mode and really felt his absence. What set me off was the thought that we'd never play cards again. 16 years later that thought still gets to me.

My mom died of alzheimers. Her mind had been gone for so long that her body's dying felt like an afterthought. I didn't break down over that until literally months later.

Just let yourself feel what you feel, and don't worry about whether it's "normal".

[kratz]

If everyone else is having a hard time keeping it together, I could see you subconsciously 'deciding' to be strong for your family.

Don't feel bad about it.  There aren't rules for grieving.

I read your blog this morning, and it sounds like it was a rough time.  Sorry you had to go through all of that, but it sounds like you are really there for your family.  Feel good about that.

[lildrgn]

Guys! I cried a little today! It sucked, but it was good.

I'll probably lose it tonight when my bro comes in from Ireland.

You guys/gals are good people. I<3 you. Even mean ol' Kratz .

[Giles Habibula]

Guys! I cried a little today! It sucked, but it was good.

The day my dad was diagnosed as terminal, I got a bit choked up, but never cried....Until I got in my car and headed home from the hospital. Suddenly, out of nowhere, I lost it, and cried like a baby, pounding the steering wheel and screaming, "Not my daddy, not my daddy!" Good lord, I was 45 at the time, and felt like a small child again. It lasted about 5 minutes, and then was gone. But it did help. When he died, I didn't even get emotional or choked up at all, while the rest of the family was crying all over the place. I felt like an ass for being so 'disconnected' from their grief. I still don't understand it, but it goes to show you that as others have stated, everyone grieves in their own way. I thought my family would think of me as 'cold' for not showing much grief, but they were totally understanding.

Sorry if I derailed. I was only going to post my condolences, but that story felt the need to come out.
In any case, you have my sincerest condolences. Stay close to those you love.

[Crux]

Sorry for your loss.

[Caine]

i didn't catch this until rick's post.  man, i am very sorry to hear about this.  it's good that you have been able to grieve.  the first step is always the hardest.  i'll buy you a round one of these nights. 

take care gwon.