Videogaming has seen its fair share of crazy and implausible weapons, but there is no doubt that sometimes the weapons transcend implausible and head straight to crazy town. Today we take a look at 20 of the craziest weapons in videogaming history. Let’s get on to the list.
- Mr. Toots (Red Faction Armageddon)
Mr. Toots is a unicorn. Yep. A unicorn. He’s cute, he’s cuddly, and he shits rainbows of death at your enemies with a lift his tail and a squeeze of his little belly. Rewarded as a New Game+ weapon when players finish THQ/Volition’s Red Faction Armageddon, Mr Toots is able to crush the series staple destructible terrains and buildings with a single flatulent blast. Mr. Toots represents a cute and comical departure from the otherwise more serious storyline presented in this title.
- Penetrator (GTA San Andreas / Saints Row 3)
The Penetrator didn’t make its wild and kinky debut in Saints Row 3, it actually came courtesy of a gimp-suited Carl “CJ” Johnson in Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas. A freakishly large phallic bat, this destructive dong can be wielded (with or without the gimp suit) to beat foes about the face and chest. Not much more to say other than it’s a big purple dick with a bat handle – what’d you expect?
- Captain Nathaniel Joseph Claw (Shogo)
In Monolith’s mecha-shooter SHOGO: M.A.D., protagonist Sanjuro can take a detour from his main path to saving his long-lost brother Toshiro to run through an optional side level to save a pair of NPC’s cat. Upon completion of the level, Sanjuro receives a health buff named “Captain Nathaniel Joseph Claw. The health buff has a name because the health buff is a cute little plush toy pirate cat. When you squeeze Captain Nathaniel Joseph Claw (a throwback to Monolith’s other title “Captain Claw”) he squeaks “Magic Claw!” and does little else other than just being awesome.
- Mario and his Fireballs (Mario Franchise)
Mario is an Italian Plumber. He’s also been a carpenter in the original Donkey Kong, a pharmacist in Dr. Mario, an Olympic competitor in Sega’s recent titles, a soccer player, a cooperative fighter in the Smash Bros. series, and several other jobs. The hitch is that none of these professions would grant our diminutive semi-mute friend the ability to manifest fire and hurl it at his foes. Sure, Mario is granted this incredible power by first eating a mushroom clearly equivalent to his bodyweight, and then a mysterious flower equal in stature, but if you can explain any of that I’d like to hear it. I’m sure the ingestion of mushrooms and certain plants might make you think you can throw fire, turn into a statue, fly with your Racoon tail, turn into a frog, leap across the world in a shoe, and any other number of imaginative feats, but that’d be because you are tripping balls. Unless we are professing that “Italian Plumber” means “fat little drug addict”, then I’m at a loss as to how our beloved video game mascot is able to toss fireballs. Don’t get me started on how they bounce and roll.
- Land Shark Gun (Armed and Dangerous)
Reaching back to a time when LucasArts still published games that were funny, the folks at Planet Moon Studios put together a very funny but very odd game called Armed and Dangerous. Nearly every weapon in the game was odd, but one stood out more than the others. It’d be the one that launches giant “land sharks”. The giant fin swims to the enemy and then a huge shark jumps up and scarfs them down after tossing them about like a baby seal. It’s hard to go back to shotguns and chainguns when you can hurl vicious fish at your enemies.
- Sharq Attaq (Monster Hunter Tri)
Capcom brought Monster Hunter 3 to the United States as Monster Hunter Tri and released it on the Wii. The character in the game is able to use longswords, two-handed swords, hammers, bowguns, lances, and axes. Clearly this short list isn’t awesome enough, so the folks at Capcom decided to bring another Shark-based weapon to this list. Using tickets obtained from the Alluring Dress event quest (of course, duh!), the main character is able to construct and wield a full size (and very angry) Great White shark as a lance, charging through the battlefield and thrusting it violently. While you can’t launch it like the Land Shark gun, there is no doubt an angry shark being thrust at you is pretty likely to make you scream like a little girl. Somehow the other weapons in the game (Teddy Bear, Cactus Hammer, and a flower as examples) just can’t compare.
- Plush toys i.e. Cactuar, Moogle, etc. (Final Fantasy X)
Speaking of Teddy Bears, Final Fantasy X’s resident caster Lulu sports some awesome plush stuffed animals in combat. A vicious Cactuar doll, Cait Siths, Onion Knights, and Moogles round out a soft and cuddly cast of characters that Lulu could unleash on her enemies. Leaping into battle, the little critters unleash Hell on her foes by running past them, using a slot machine in their belly, or (when upgraded) acting as a tiny little limit breaker Ultima Weapon for dealing up to 99,999 damage in a single strike! Yea, Onion Knights are kinda badass like that….cute little guys.
- Hand Cannon Foam Finger (Dead Space 2)
As Isaac Clarke descends into madness, battling vicious human corpses risen from the grave called Necromorphs, he uses kinetic powers, laser-powered cutters, plasma cannons, and even a handheld Graviton Accelerator, but nothing equals the awesome power of a sports-themed giant foam finger. If you manage to beat the game on the Hard Core difficulty setting you are awarded the “Hand Cannon” – a weapon with the highest damage, highest rate of fire, and unlimited ammunition for your New Game+ experience. The fact that the sound effect is “Pew pew pew!” just makes it absolutely epic.
- Happy Bubble Blaster (Just Cause 2)
Avalanche studios and Eidos made a game called Just Cause that aped a few other decent open world titles at the time, but the sequel just buried the awesome needle all the way to 11. The storyline focused on…uh…well, the way I played the game it focused on getting the grappling hook to latch onto vehicles as soon as possible and then attaching people to a harrier jet like Junebugs on kite strings and flying them behind like streamers. As awesome as that is, it doesn’t compare to the oddity of the Happy Bubble Blaster. The neon pink and green toy gun spits soapy bubbles at the enemies of Panau island, causing no damage, but bringing joy and cheer to all the good little boys and girls.
- Experimental MIRV (Fallout 3)
The Fat Man is obscene. It launches a handheld mini-nuke, obliterating everything in its path in a glorious cloud of fire and ash. Somehow, even though it’s obscene, it’s simply not ridiculous enough – enter the Experimental MIRV. Stolen away in the National Guard Depot, the Experimental MIRV can only be found if you unravel the mystery found in the Keller Family Transcripts which are scattered in five distant points in the wasteland. Once you collect all five of the transcripts, you’ll gain access to the Depot, granting you a weapon that can launch up to 8 Mini-Nukes at a time. Essentially a Nuclear Shotgun, the weapon does a level of damage that could only be described as excessively excessive.
- Armageddon (Ultima series)
If you know what VAS KAL AN MANI IN CORP HUR TYM means, there is a good chance you are an Ultima Dragon. While the words may have changed throughout the games, the results remain the same – the complete and irrevocable destruction of the entire world, minus the caster and those immune like Lord British, Baitlin, and the Avatar. The only point of this spell (which requires painstaking research and digging to find) is to completely eradicate Britannia, meaning the game essentially cannot be completed. It’s the in-game equivalent of taking the DVD out of tray and snapping it in half. The lore of the previous games have steadfastly reinforced that this spell should never be cast, but Electronic Arts and their complete bungling of Ultima IX fully destroyed this series with it as the tool to end the conflict between the Guardian and The Avatar. The spell didn’t just destroy Britannia, it destroyed my childhood – thanks EA!
- RYNO V (Ratchet and Clank Future: A Crack in Time)
Though every weapon is odd in this game series, the RYNO V tops the crazy cake. While other games on this list might have awesome weapons, how many of them have their own theme music? Unleashing missiles in a chaingun-like fashion, and containing several thousand rounds of ammunition, the RYNO V plays the 1812 Overture from Tchaikovsky as it blows up everything in your path.
- Cthulhu (Scribblenauts)
H.P. Lovecraft probably didn’t have any idea about handheld gaming, but his most vicious and evil creature to spring from his mind, dread Cthulhu, managed to log some claws-on experience. Summoned from his dark house in the mighty city of R’lyeh under the water, Cthulhu is capable of beating absolutely every creature in the game, including God (on a skateboard). In this case, he comes with a tophat and a saddle. With over 22,000 words that can be used to solve the numerous puzzles in the game, the fact that the Lord of the Deep Ones is included just speaks to how fantastic Scribblenauts really is.
- Wabbajack (The Elder Scrolls: Skyrim)
A Daedric Artifact of Sheogorath, this magical staff is completely unpredictable in nature, transforming creatures into lesser versions of themselves, or better yet, random creatures or NPCs. In a swirl of red smoke you can turn humans into chickens, mudcrabs into humans, Argonians into sweetrolls, Daedric Princes into goats, and fearsome dragons into cute little rabbits. Sure, it can cast other random spells like fireballs, lightning, or even healing, but it’s the ability to sew true chaos in the environment that really sells this crazy-stick.
- Knights of the Round (Final Fantasy VII)
This weapon has a disturbing path to get it. The most powerful summon in Final Fantasy VII, this power can only be obtained when you’ve bred a Golden Chocobo and travelled to a hidden island. Unleashing 13 medieval knights, this summon causes incredible damage to the entire enemy party over the course of a 2 minute and 20 second unskippable cutscene. The disturbing part comes with the incestuous breeding of a great many Chocobos to get the required Golden Chocobo. Choco Billy at the Chocobo farm will rate the outcome of your forced-breeding program, passing judgement as either “Good”, “Great”, and “Wonderful”. Any of the five ratings below these three mean the Chocobo won’t yield the required offspring, meaning they are essentially destined for whatever approximates the Final Fantasy equivalent of a KFC. You’ll end up making a lot of wings and thighs before you’ll make a Gold Chocobo.
- Hair Dragon – (Bayonetta)
I don’t know what creator Hideki Kamiya was smoking when he came up with the concept for Bayonetta, but I can tell you that the (ha! puns!) titular protagonist has hair that can turn into knives, clothing, and a giant dragon. Yes, a dragon…made of hair. It’s not enough to have a hair dragon, it’s also important that you have matching stilettos with guns in the heels. The bespectacled ninja earns top honors for her furious footware, but it’s her follicle fire-breathing that earns her a spot on the list.
- Jarate – (Team Fortress 2)
The sniper is my favorite class to play in any shooter, but the sniper in Team Fortress 2 has an added edge – Jarate. Jarate is granted to talented snipers who managed to snag all 11 achievements, and its use is as as vile as it is effective. You see, Jarate is “Jar-based Karate”. That is to say that it is a old fashioned mason jar filled with urine, complete with two-part screw-on lid. When thrown, the urine tints the victim’s vision yellow, causes the victim to take additional damage, and can short out spy cloaking devices. I’m not sure they will look at you with a lot of thanks in their urine-soaked eyes after the fact, but you can even use it to extinguish teammates that are on fire. While drinking the contents won’t grant you flying sidekicks and palm strikes of death, throwing this weapon may induce vomiting.
- Wheelchair Tank – “Blitzkreig” – (Dead Rising 2)
Everything in the Dead Rising series is a weapon. From placing road cones on the heads of zombies, to coating your gloves with motor oil and setting them on fire, there is no doubt that the weapons are a doorway to incredible amounts of unrelenting fun. Topping the list of crazy though is the Blitzkreig. By combining an electric chair and up to three machine guns, you can create a rolling wall of lead-slinging fury that mows down zombies in a way that speaks to me at my most base level. While I do still wish I could strap a pair of chainsaws to the sides, there is no doubt that the Blitzkreig lives up to its namesake.
- Baby / Guitar – (Um Jammer Lammy)
Kick, punch, it’s all in the mind – Um Jammer Lammy is the sequel to the rhyme-busting PaRappa the Rapper. The protagonist of this title, the left-handed guitarist for her band MilkCan, ends up in Hell (well, in the International version – in the US version she’s on an island) where she spots some babies playing roulette in a casino. She does the only thing that makes sense – she grabs a baby and plays it like a guitar. While it’s not a weapon per-se, it’s just too damned weird to not make this list.
- Nick – (Lollipop Chainsaw)
If you read my review of Lollipop Chainsaw you know that the game is pretty messed up in general. Early in the game your boyfriend Nick is bitten by Zombies and Juliet uses a voodoo spell to keep him alive. Riding in whatever the ass-equivalent of “Shotgun” is, Nick hangs out on Juliet’s tail bouncing around and complaining until you get the opportunity to plop him onto a headless zombie for a short minigame. As you progress through the game Nick not only comes to grips with his body-free state, he actually becomes somewhat apathetic about it. It has to be seen to be believed – just be warned that you get a shameful achievement for trying to peek up the young zombie hunter’s skirt. Enjoy your badge of shame!
So here we are at the bottom of one of this cornucopia of conflagration, bevy of baby strumming, hexed-head handling, poultice of piss launching, shark-spear striking, and bubble blowing blaster filled list. With my decades of gaming, I think this sums up some of the more strange and obscure weapons I’ve seen, but it is certainly not a comprehensive list. Join in our forum discussion to outline any of the oddities I may have missed or placed them out of order, and we’ll see you on the battlefield – I’ll be the guy with a giant foam finger yelling pew pew pew and casting Armageddon at you.